Living in Gray

You're like the hook in my favourite song

2010-03-23T11:19:00.000Z

I like to sing.

Not that I think I'm an amazing singer, just that I like doing it. I especially like singing when I'm on the road, driving to work because it puts me in a good mood. I like to start days with good moods. Which is why I say, never ever, start the day with John Mayer. Though he is a lyrical genius, generally his music just brings me down because then, all I think about are my past relationships and how they hurt, etc. etc.
So I go with rock. Maybe something like anthemic rock. Or even music from Broadway/film musicals. Or nowadays, it has been Glee music because Glee makes me smile, no matter what the song. Lea Michele never fails to make me smile with her beautiful voice.

I don't get the whole stigma about being embarrassed about singing while you're driving. Why should you feel embarrassed? If people laugh, then so what? I feel sorry for them because it just goes to show they're not even brave enough to do it. I do it for my own enjoyment because music is so much a part of me that I really cannot function without a song in my heart. Why is there fear to do the thing you love to do the most? There shouldn't be.

You shouldn't be afraid to do what you want, when you want. Especially if it is something that you love. Because god, don't you just get this awesome feeling rushing inside you when you know you're doing something you love? Don't people want that for themselves? Don't people want that for others?

Because I do. I want that for other people. To know what it feels like to be so consumed with joy and love. To get lost in the throes of cool passion. It's life. It's love. And there is no better drug than that.

I'm ready to know what the people know

2010-03-02T11:45:00.002Z

I took my niece out for a drive tonight 'cause she's 2 and she doesn't actually have any cousins who are near her age and live anywhere nearby. Older cousins maybe but they hang out with her older brothers who are the same age. My older sister's little girls are around her age but she occasionally visits so they hardly get time to bond. It breaks my heart to see her face when they leave and it's like she realizes that she's on her own again. I mean seriously, her only real friend is our driver. And he's about to leave for home, for good.

So I took her out for a drive tonight because my brother and my sister-in-law weren't back yet and my niece just looked so sad, trying to get me to do something. I'm at work all day so all I want to do is just lie down, y'know? But I knew she liked going for a ride in my car so I took her for a short drive 'cause I don't have a baby seat in my car and I'd rather not be on the wrong side of legal. But I took her for a short drive, had a Rascal Flatts CD playing in the stereo, and she was quiet for most of the drive.

When we got home and I saw that my brother and my sister-in-law still weren't back, I opted to park in the driveway and just switch open my sunroof so we could look up at the evening sky. And when I looked up, I didn't know what to feel. The night sky was so completely dark and you could see so many stars dusting its canvas. It took my breath away.

I had a moment of dork when the next thing I thought was a line from The Little Mermaid.

"I just don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things, could be bad."

Now that I'm in the safety of my bed, I think about the stars and I wonder whether there were other people who have felt the same as I did. That no matter how dark life gets, the stars will light our way. And the sun will eventually rise.
This is how I feel whenever I'm on the beach, watching the waves forming from afar, coming together and crashing on the shore. The Earth and Mother Nature can create as much chaos together, but chaos doesn't last forever.

We just have to have faith. Or we get lost in the dark and the chaos.

Taking a break

2009-12-01T02:52:00.006Z

I don't know if y'all have noticed but my blogging has been taking a back-seat lately. It's mostly due to me wanting to spend time away from being online and blogging when I could actually be spending that time more productively like writing that script I keep meaning to write. So I'm declaring my first ever hiatus. But I won't be gone long... I think I just want to take a month or so away from blogging.

Parting thoughts?

It's okay to be sad. And it's okay to be happy. Nobody should make you feel guilty for feeling what you want to feel. But in doing so, have enough compassion in your heart to realize when something you say or do hurts somebody. Be mindful is what I'm saying. When we're completely wrapped up in our happiness or sadness, we tend to be reckless with our words and actions. We forget. It causes a chain reaction of ugly emotions that are ultimately unnecessary.

Life can throw you some serious sucker punches and you will have to take them on the chin. But no matter how strong they are, you will also find the strength to get back up. Have enough faith in yourself that whatever adversities that come your way, you will get through it.

You have to accept the places that life takes you, even when it's somewhere you don't want to be. And you accept it with a strong will. Because if you're just going to be wishing for or moaning about things, then you're failing the test. You can falter and you can want to give up as many times as you feel, but the fact that you don't and you just keep going, without complaint, you're letting life know that nobody messes with you.

Happy December every one.
Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy New Year.
I hope you will receive everything you ever wanted, and that I hope that at this end of the year, you find yourselves in the company of those that love you with all their hearts. And my wish for you is that this next year will bring you much joy, laughter and love. No matter what you think you know, you deserve it.

With all that I am, I wish you love,
Az

No one ever really wins in heartbreak warfare

2009-11-12T11:12:00.000Z

I feel sad at the very lack of love that I've been seeing recently. I feel empty and drained so I try to find some semblance of love. I can't find it within me because I have used it up. I have used it up and now I need sources of love to fill me again. I know I am more than capable of love but I can't love if I have no love to give.

I guess it's almost like feeding off the love you receive and then giving it right back. I don't understand really how it works sometimes. That we can receive love, and then we send it right back out. Like love doesn't have much time to accumulate inside of you because it's just flowing continuously. Kind of like a river. Forever flowing.

I think that, at this moment in time, the thing that I am filled with is just hurt. I don't know why but I know it's mine. My own hurt for something that I don't know. For something that for the moment doesn't have a label or a name. Is this the downward spiral that we must endure before we find ourselves coming back up?

Libba Bray blogged that this is the price we pay for caring. The grief that we feel, almost day to day. Yet again, confirming this school of thought that there is always going to be another shoe, waiting to drop.

It sickens me, I guess. That we seem to chomp at the bits when we discover some scandalous gossip, like it's the very thing we live on. It sickens me more when we're the ones producing said scandalous gossip for others to spread out.

I get that there is hate and envy and anger. But I just don't get why people just can't turn the other cheek. Feuds, grudges, wars... Pointless, pointless, pointless. I don't get why we have to know war and hate to know peace and love. I don't get that. There are many people in the world who never hate or war, and they turn out to be the most peaceful people in the world.

But then I guess, peace and love could have been all they knew, so why should they think any different? However, there are those who do know hate, and yet they're still so filled with love, you'd never think that hate was ever part of the equation.

It baffles me though that people meet good and kindness with so much... Suspicion and fear. Especially the ones in small doses. Because the ones that are grandeur and well-known apparently make good and kindness seem okay and more acceptable. And apparently more valid.

I don't want people to know my good deeds. I don't care for people to know my good deeds. I know my good deeds. I know whatever good I've done to whomever I've done good to. I don't believe in the thought that one person deserves more help over others. That's why I always have trouble with charities because I know that they have good intentions but I don't understand why people need to know that I am donating and how much I'm donating. My feeling is that once my name is associated with my good deed, my intentions are gone. And I feel dirty. I know I shouldn't because it doesn't make my good deed seem any less than what it is. I guess I just feel wrong in the spotlight. Getting thanks for something that should be the most natural thing in the world.

I can't pick charities. I've donated to a couple but I'm pretty sure if I had all the money in the world, it wouldn't be enough because I wouldn't know which charity to pick. I mean, do I go for kids, or animals? Do I go for countries or nature? Prevention of diseases or research for the cure? How do you pick a cause to believe in, when you believe in all causes? I can't say that my heart is more committed to rescuing children when it hurts at the mere thought of animals are being abused, or are fading into extinction.

I'm not putting down people who know the causes they believe in, dear love no. At least they know. At least they're doing something. I can't do a thing because I don't know. I'm stuck in nowhere land. I know that if people could help everything, they would.

I guess after all this rambling, all I would wish that people would learn to accept the small doses of good and kindness as easily as they accept charity donations. Big or small, good deeds are good deeds. Just because it's more subtle and less in-your-face doesn't make it any less of what is it: Love. And it'd do you good to just accept it. Really.

The future may be all I really need.

2009-11-01T13:45:00.005Z

I’ve been in love a few times, but I have only ever truly loved twice. Y’all know about Ashley, but you don’t know about my first. So here I am to tell you about her. I’m not going to say her name because I want to respect her privacy. And also, it still kind of hurts to say her name. Even if it is in a blog.

We met on a forum for a band that we loved at the time. The forum was just starting and friendships were beginning to form. And amongst the many new friends I was making, I met this girl. She was young, god, so young. But she was this unique mixture of mature and childish wonder that I couldn’t help but be taken by her. At first we kept our conversation in the forum, just having fun and making new inside jokes as we went along. But then we started chatting. And I don’t know but somehow we uncovered this huge discovery-bomb that our like for each other went beyond platonic friendship.

I’d like to believe that I loved her with everything I had. She was my first true love. The first one that made every single part of me, feel something. I had been in relationships before her, yeah, but with her, I constantly felt like I was treading new, unfamiliar waters. With my previous relationships, we went straight to being together, but with her, we were friends first. We built a strong connection first, and we deepened it when we realized how much we felt for each other. So I wasn’t just at risk of my heart breaking by a lover, but a friend too. A best friend.

But my heart did get broken. And it was like a freight train; I didn’t see it coming. We were together just two months shy of a year and a half. We broke up a few days before Valentine’s Day. I remember that because the next thing I knew this guy she had been talking about for awhile (yes, I knew he was trouble from the first moment she mentioned his name but she was adamant that she didn’t want him and I trusted her word) asked her to be his Valentine. She says that he was not the reason we broke up. It was a whole mixture of distance, insecurities and other things coming together to make an explosive combination. They were the same reasons we broke up a few times before. But this time, I knew that she really meant it. It was final. It was one of those moments when my brain took over, rather than my heart. And my brain shielded my heart from hurting too much, making the hurt only come out in small spurts rather than a tidal wave. My own defense mechanism.

It has been four years or so since we broke up, and I have been with others. I was in two serious relationships (Amy and Ashley, respectively) in those four years, and they made me happy. I was actually happy, especially with Ashley. But this is the one that still haunts me. To this day my mind, my heart, my soul; they’re still hurting because of it. Of course with the time passing by, the hurt gets less and less when there are newer things to occupy my focus. Her name and the memories of us, good and bad, go to the back of my mind. But when my concentration comes back to it, when there’s something to remind me of her, if I see or hear anything that would inevitably come back to her, everything aches all over again. I get that feeling in my gut; a feeling like I’m on a roller-coaster going up the track and I’m right there at the top, anticipating the fall, and then experiencing it. Like my stomach is empty but there’s something zig-zagging inside.

I’ve been wondering why I find myself thinking about her a lot in the past couple of weeks. Why I had some masochistic urge to look at the remaining pictures of us that I didn’t want to delete. Something about this time of year has been making me more melancholy than usual. A few days ago, I was cleaning out my hard drive, deleting things I didn’t want to keep anymore and I had a folder called Old Memories. I thought, “Why not, maybe there's something I can delete after all this time.” There were chat logs, poems, messages we exchanged... And they were things I hadn't read in so long. But it wasn't as painful as I thought it'd be. So I kept reading. After a time, I then discovered that come 1st November, is our 6th year anniversary. Not that there is anything to celebrate anymore, but it’s still a date when we realized that we loved each other. And love is always something to celebrate, whether found or lost.

I haven’t spoken to my ex, probably in about two-three years. I’m not going to lie; there have been a lot of moments when I miss her so much that I can barely stand it. But I never try to contact her. I think we did our best to be friends… And I think, for about less than a couple of years, we were doing pretty well on the friends thing. I hate to admit this but, even though we were moving on, with other people and what-not, it still hit me hard whenever she would talk about somebody she was with or liked. It hurt every single time (like maybe a pinch, I guess) but she never knew. Or she never gave an indication that she knew. And I was never going to say anything about it because… She seemed happier. And that was all I ever wanted for her. That is all I will ever want for her.

I go through phases thinking about whether we were a mistake; whether I was a mistake to her. Deep down inside, even though I’ll never think of us as a mistake, there is a part of me that knows how truly wrong I was for her. Sure, we loved each other. Our passion seemed so boundless to me. But it was so crazy, y’know? I remember times when I thought to myself about intense it was. And we let that passion rule us. We really were a couple of crazy kids in love. And it made us idealistic, vulnerable and ultimately, naïve.

But I'm not going to apologise, for loving her, or being with her. I loved her the best I could. I made many mistakes and I know there were a lot of times when I was completely unbearable, but I loved her. I hope she knew that.

I don’t know where she is, or whether she is with anybody. I don’t ask the mutual friends that we know, and I will never ask. I don’t think I have the right to even ask anymore. I only hope with all my heart that she is happy, because of all the people I know, that deserve all the happiness in the world; she deserves it, ten-fold and then some.

I loved you like you loved me
Like something pure and holy
Like something that could never be replaced

And it was wonderful
It was magical
It was everything I waited for
A miracle
And if I should ever fall in love again with someone new
It could never be the way
No, it will never be the way
I loved you

The good, the bad and the ugly.

2009-10-22T02:57:00.005+01:00

I have a somewhat love/hate relationship with the internet. In that, I love that it keeps me connected to the friends I left behind. Love knows, I miss them so much. And sometimes I can't grasp the fact that I can't actually text them to let them know we could meet up in the next hour for a drink.

Another thing I love about the internet is blogging. I love to write. And I love to write things that people will read. And I love it when they comment to let me know they understand how I feel. To let me know that they're going through the same thing. It makes me feel less alone in the world.

I also know that too much internet is definitely not good for me. It actually depresses me to have so much information so easily at my finger-tips. It's one really bad addiction because once I know, I want to know more. And that's not the way things should be. Well, maybe what I mean when I say internet, I mean things like Friendster, Facebook, Twitter and Myspace. I have a lot of fond memories when it comes to these social networking sites.

But what I hate about the internet, no sorry, what I truly dislike about the internet is that people can be so cruel without suffering any consequences. While I believe in the freedom of speech, but there is a line between using it and abusing it. People take liberties with what they say and what they do on the internet like it's a completely different world. So they type things without thought and people get hurt and either retaliate or suffer from some serious emotional damage.

It's been a long time brewing really, these thoughts. And since the popularity of Twitter has risen, it makes me even more wary I guess. Even though I love knowing the intricacies of the thoughts belonging to the people I follow, it bugs me somewhat. Like I know them intimately without actually knowing who they are. That's how it is with Facebook too though. That I would get friends request from people that I don't even know. I understand getting friends request from people I went to school with, people who are friends or family. But really, if you're not going to interact with me, then what's the point?

The internet has always been more famous for porn but really, you don't need to take off your clothes to feel naked to the world anymore. In the internet, everybody is naked.

Angry blog... Shield yourselves.

2009-08-28T06:54:00.006+01:00

I'll be letting this go after this post. I just need to get this out right now.

So you do something nice for me. So I don't say thank you. So you happen to get me on my off day. It's not an excuse but then there shouldn't any excuse for you to make me feel I'm a horrible person. Like I should be murdered or something.

Look, here's my thank you now.

Thank you for making me feel about so big. Thank you for making me realize that traveling thousands of miles, shifting everything around to suit your need, was pretty much a wasted effort. Thank you for letting know me exactly where I rank in your life. I get that you have more important things to think/worry about, but I never expected that I would feel like less. You, of all people. I never would have thought you'd be the one but so there, thank you for making me feel like less.

I don't fucking need this. I don't need my friends holding something over my head just because they did something nice to/for me. So what, you do something nice for me and I'm automatically indebted to you? Like I owe you something back?
No bullshitting because I know this as fact, I do a lot of nice things for my friends. I never expect them to thank me. I do it because I either want to or they asked me. I don't want anything back from them. If they feel obligated to do so, I'm not going to stop them. That's my biggest issue from this ordeal. That they're not even willing to give me a free pass for slipping once.

I don't get this whole thing of doing something for somebody just because they did something for you first. And if you don't do anything about it, you end up feeling guilty about it every time you see this other person. I don't get that. Why should you feel guilty? People should do things for other people because they want to, out of the kindness in their hearts. Not because they want to get a fucking thank you. Getting a thank you should not even be a goal.

I'm rolling my eyes in annoyance, just so you know.

I'm out.

My final week

2009-07-28T02:49:00.003+01:00

So, we begin with Saturday the 18th July. As soon as we arrived at King's Cross, and after saying goodbye to both James and Adam, I taxied over to Paddington. I thought I was pressed for time but when I arrived, all the trains were delayed involving a fatality in Southall. But I eventually got on the train to Plymouth and met with my sister and her landlord who offered to help drive us to the house.
We had Domino's pizza that first night, and man, did I miss the taste of the garlic pizza bread. And also, I greatly enjoyed the very fast broadband. As opposed to now, when the internet keeps getting cut off every few minutes. I was really spoiled, lol.

On the Sunday, I think we stayed in, so that was a nice lazy day when I got to catch up on my laundry. I have to say that I even miss the smell of newly laundered clothes using Persil, haha. Or was it Ariel? I don't remember now.

On Monday, we went to have breakfast at Wetherspoon's with my sister's friends. After that, we went to the town centre where our first stop was March Hair, for my hair appointment. Got my hair highlighted red (again), and cut to a proper style, FINALLY.
And shit, it only cost me 65 frikkin' quid. The cut looks good, and so do the highlights. Yay!
Did some shopping, went to Starbucks for a late lunch. Went to Tesco to get some burger buns for our dinner. Then proceeded to wait for a very, very long time for our bus back to the house.

Tuesday, we stayed in for most of the day, apart from when I had to go to the bank to finally deposit the massive amount of money I had been carrying for the past week and a half, lol.

Wednesday, got on the train to London. Checked in my hotel in Paddington called Indigo Hotel. It's fairly new since it wasn't there last year, and I have to say that it definitely deserves the four-star rating that it has next to its name. My room was small, yes, but damn, the bed was fucking delicious. And the shower, my god, the shower! I wanted to bring it back with me, lol. After I was done checking in, I went back to the station to head to Bristol where I would meet my college friend, Roxanne, her boyfriend (who on first meeting, gave me a strong hug... Major points there dude) and her newborn baby (absolutely gorgeous). We went to have dinner at this Chinese restaurant. Delicious food. VERY filling, lol. Then I stayed the night so I didn't have to rush back or anything.
It was so good to see Roxanne. I think the last time I saw her was early last year. It boggles my mind how things change in the course of a year. And I adore her baby. I foresee myself spoiling that baby in the future, lol.

Thursday morning, I got an early train back to London, where I got changed, had some breakfast, then left for Victoria to get the train to Brighton. Where I would meet another college friend, Joy. I swear the first time I saw Joy, I was thinking how people change over time. She reminded me of this 50's poster where the woman was flexing her arm, wearing that bandanna around her head, you know what I'm talking about? She walked towards me looking like a part of the Pink Ladies, but I have to say that it definitely suits her. She looked good.
We had a good lunch, after which Joy proceeded to pay the bill (because she owed me 10quid from the last time we hung out, two years ago) in pound coins, using her tips from the previous week. Then we had a walk around... Joy took me to Primark so she could buy some underwear, lol. We also went to the Pier because Joy wanted to play in the arcade. I know it's been awhile since I've been there but the arcade areas really looked kind of desolate. Well, there were still people but, much less than I expected as it is the summer holidays and all.
A few hours later, I got on the train back to London, where I finally slept in my hotel bed. I think it's a Queen size bed, and there were a bunch of pillows on it. Not that I actually needed them but man, talk about sweet, sweet comfort Batman.

Friday morning, I stayed in bed and watched some TV. Then had a shower, got ready for my lunch date with another college friend, also my former roomie, Carmen. We were meeting for her lunch hour so we made a date to meet near where she works. We got caught up and everything, and she also volunteered to help me with the shopping on the Saturday. I told her that I was going shopping and that I'd have to go to Selfridges, a place where I had never been in all the time I had been in London, lol. So I was glad that she was willing to help.
After lunch, I went to Borders and HMV. Borders in Oxford Street is closing down, and all the books were just everywhere and that was the first time I ever felt lost in there, lol. Got a few DVDs and I didn't buy any books in Borders. I just couldn't find any of the books I wanted, lol. So I headed back to the hotel to just recharge and get ready for my dinner with a friend I met through my cousin. We had a good time and everything. We would have gone out for a drink but we were both so tired, she from work, and me just from everything, so we left it at that. And I know this might sound surprising but we actually talked business over dinner and I told her I'd think about going into business with her and some of her other friends.

Saturday, my final day. I started early with the shopping, like 9 early. And that might not sound early to you, but to me, 9 AM shopping is just ridiculous. But at 9, I went. I was going to meet Carmen around 12.30 so I decided that the morning shopping would be shopping for me, like new clothes and such. I went to Primark because I didn't want to pay ridiculous amounts of money for some everyday wear. I got done around 11, which is when I headed back to the hotel to dump the bags. I gave myself about half an hour rest before heading back out to Selfridges.
We went to the foodcourt so Carmen could have lunch but after that, I think we pretty much went to every place that Selfridges had, lol. Did more window shopping than actual shopping. It wasn't too horrible an experience, but it's definitely not something I'd willingly repeat. I finally bought some books when we stopped at Waterstones. Bought only three, even though the books I wanted still weren't there at all. Lamefully.
We said goodbye around 4.30 as Carmen was going off to see her friend and I wanted to head back to the hotel and try get started on packing. I was going to meet a university friend, Harriet. We were going to meet some place near her house but I thought it was just too far and I was way tired. She suggested to meet somewhere in the middle, so we met at Charing Cross, bought some Starbucks dinner and ate it in Trafalgar Square. We had an awesome talk, catching up and everything. We saw a big dude, doing some Michael Jackson moves. And then we saw a group of teenagers, break-dancing. It was a very beautiful night in London. We started walking around, decided to walk through Soho. I think next time I come visit, we're definitely going clubbing together, or something.
It was around midnight when we called it a night and got on the bus to head back to our respective places. I finished up my packing around 1, and went straight to sleep.

Sunday morning, I checked out of the hotel early, got my deposit back, then left for Heathrow. I checked in pretty early, went straight to the departure lounge. I had some breakfast and then did some last minute magazine purchases as per requested. The flight to Singapore was pretty smooth, and I enjoyed the many movies that was available to me. I tried sleeping, and I think I got to sleep for a good two-three hours before my ass decided that it was just too restless and in pain to sleep. The flight back here was not as smooth. I slept in the first 45 minutes on the plane then my ass decided once again that it was in pain. Seriously, who designed those airplane seats? I don't care about leg room. Leg room doesn't matter if you feel like you're sleeping on a log.

So here I am, back where I never wanted to be (I'll lament on this in a different post, too tired now to write more, lol). I'm feeling fine, no swine flu whatsoever. But it's only my second day. Oh, and my sleeping pattern has gone to shits. I slept my afternoon and night away yesterday. Woke up at midnight and stayed awake for the rest of the time. And here it is, quarter to 10 in the morning, and I'm still pretty awake. But I am also quarantined.

At least I have the new DVDs to watch.

You'll always find your way back home

2009-07-18T20:08:00.004+01:00

One week in the UK, flown in by Singapore Airlines (meaning transit in Singapore), and no swine flu! Hah!
Even though swine flu is a very big worry over in Asia… Here, not so much, lol. In fact, the only people I saw wearing the masks were Asian.

Before I completely begin this blog, I would just like to make a special mention to Terminal 3 in Singapore Changi International Airport because damn, that place is awesome. I say this because that was the first time I went there and it was huge.

The week before I left, my stomach was in a constant jumble when the thought of going came to mind. Going between excited and terrified that I was finally going back home. Terrified because it’s been so long that I was apprehensive about the things that would have changed in my absence. And excited, well, that doesn’t really require much of an explanation, does it?

When we landed, I felt this sense of ‘rightness’ and I knew even if this holiday turned out not so good, I’d still love it because I’d be home. It took me awhile to find my groove in being back though. I still knew the ways to go but I think my body was still trying to catch up with my mind. After landing, everything else was pretty smooth sailing-ish. Passport check went by quickly, baggage claim took a little longer. Went straight to Heathrow Express to get to Paddington, which is where I had my first cup of coffee (and tuna melt Panini). Jet-lag is nobody’s friend, lol.

It was going to be awhile before I had to meet up with James as our train was at 12 so I decided to hang around for a bit. I topped up my Oyster card, bought my train ticket to Plymouth for the 18th (which is where I am now until the 22nd). Buying a ticket one week in advance still doesn’t help, apparently, lol. Either that or the train prices have gone up, again. Doesn’t matter anyway now.

So I met with James at King’s Cross, where we waited for Adam, and when 12 came, we boarded our train and left for Berwick-Upon-Tweed. The Secret House still looked the same, but the garden looked less bare than it was before. A lot less bare. But it was great. I could feel the effects of being there already working on me.

Now, the reason why I post this a week after the fact is mainly because there is absolutely no internet connection in The Secret House. Which was an awesome thing. Last time we were there, I had my 3G Vodafone thing, but this time, I had nothing. Though James and Pete were doing their best to find some sort of internet connection, lol.

So here is a very short run-down of the day to day things in the Duns:
That first Saturday happened to be the last day of some week long festival thing in the Duns, so they were having some sort of party. We got to hear some music from where we were.
This was also my first time meeting Roz, Pete's girlfriend. She kinda reminds me of Roxanne, actually she reminds me of Roxanne a lot, but that's a good thing, since I love Rox and all. Roz and Pete made Pimm's, and barbecued our food. It was all very relaxing.
I tried to hold off and stay awake but my jet lag won and I went to bed, I think it was about 9. But in a way, it was good 'cause my sleeping pattern stayed the same, of going to bed at about 9/10ish, and then waking up at 6. Which I did.

On the Sunday, we went to Berwick. We walked about, went on a trail thing, it was pretty cool. Even the weather stayed pretty cool for the day, until we went to eat, and it started raining. We found a place to eat, and stayed until it stopped raining. After that, we went back to the house, had another BBQ with Pimms. I think, this was when we watched the movie The Doll Master. And if you know me well, you know that I have a fear of dolls. But I managed to make it through the movie, by making a lot of jokes. Then, we sat down to watch Bill Bailey but I got too tired and just went to sleep early again.

Yes, the whole sleeping early thing is a pattern for the next few nights, lol.

On Monday, we went to Eyemouth, which is on the coast. We climbed up this hill thing and took pictures of the ocean from there. I walked a bit further away from everybody to take some closer pictures of the other side of the hill. It was gorgeous really. Then we climbed down, and walked over the shore rocks. And they were pretty rough rocks. I was afraid that I'd fall over but I managed to get through the whole thing unscathed.
When we walked back, we walked towards the harbour. I lagged a little behind to take some pictures. When I went to catch up with everybody, I saw a hand climbing up the ladder on the side of the harbour, and it was this kid in this wetsuit, and I was like, "What's going on?" I soon found out that this kid, and his other friends, have a thing about jumping over the harbour into the water. And it's not some puny two or three feet of a jump. I'm not even really sure how big of a jump it is, but it's pretty huge. There was this one point, where they climbed up a pole thing, and then jumped from there. I wish I were that fearless though 'cause just watching them do that, gave me some shot of adrenaline.
We also saw some seals, and they were just cute. After that we went on a tour in a ship-museum, that was cool too. The lady that was there brought in her dog, I can't remember her name, but she was a lovely dog.
Then we found a place that does the yummiest fish and chips, though I just could not finish mine at all. After that, we went back, I went straight to bed (see what I mean?), and I think everybody else did some drinking and watching a DVD, lol.

On the Tuesday, after we got ready, Pete drove us down to Glasgow, leaving Roz behind. The hotel that James booked, was inconveniently overbooked because of the Bruce Springsteen concert happening nearby. But it was okay because the nice girl compensated by getting us rooms at the Hilton which was much nearer to the gig that we were going to. So, score. After we settled down in the hotel, we went in search for food, and we went into this restaurant called Ketchup. And they make the hugest burgers I've ever seen. I barely managed to get through mine but I finished it. It was very delicious. Adam ordered this thing called the Colossus, it was pretty huge but Adam got through it rather easily. Laura finally arrived and we all had milkshakes before we went back to the hotel to get ready for the gig.
We got to the venue (using the subway, which I have to say, is tiny), and while it wasn't a long queue, it was still a pretty impressive queue nonetheless. Raggedy Angry were the support, and I definitely cannot say that I'm a fan. But I think that's more due to the fact that I've just passed that part of my life where I would like that kind of music. The Birthday Massacre were awesome though. I haven't listened to their music in effing ages but I still enjoyed it. Chibi (the lead vocalist) is a very cool lead. She interacted with the crowds, and just gave them what they wanted. My small crush had graduated to a full-blown crush because of that. And it became an even bigger crush when she came out to meet the fans after the gig. We waited for all six band members and James (and Laura and Adam, I think) got the autographs of all of them.
Oh yeah, the audience... I'm pretty sure that the 60% of the crowd were lesbians, haha. Everywhere I looked were either gay girls making out or gay girls cuddling, or just gay girls being together. I seriously need to start hanging out with a more gay crowd, lol.
By the time we were done, it was nearly James' birthday and we were on our way to Revolution at the Queen Margaret Union. I think we got in for free because there was somebody who knew Pete. Always good. We drank, we danced (yep, even me), and we had so much fun. And this time, I actually managed to stay up past midnight until about 3. We had to leave the QMU about 2, and we went to get some chips, and walked back to the hotel. The boys came into our room and hung out for awhile, until about 3.

On Wednesday, we got up, got ready and left our stuff in Pete's car. We got breakfast from this place called Crepes a Croissants. I got the crepe with banana and melted chocolate. Heavenly, by the way. After that, we walked around, got on the subway to get to... Hellfire? This shop that Laura wanted to go, to buy something for her friend. After that, we went to Starbucks to hang out for awhile because Laura's bus wasn't until 3. It started raining pretty heavily when we walked Laura to the bus station, where we left her and drove back to The Secret House.

On Thursday, Pete and Roz decided to do their own thing, and went to Kelso. James, Adam and I, on the other hand, went to Coldstream. Another loooooong walk. Despite all the growth we encountered, it was a lovely day. When we went in search for food, it was around 2.45 and we discovered that every pub there stops serving at 2. But luck of all lucks, we found a small cafe that serves yummy sandwiches. A small cafe that also happens to sell some home decor items. It was a bit eccentric but still pretty cool.

On Friday, by the time everybody was awake, it was raining and it was reported to rain all day so we stayed in. Everybody was in the living room, reading, going online, playing games, while I was in my room, writing and reading. Roz cooked up some haggis, which surprisingly turned out to be pretty good. And it tastes familiar to something we have back home, not sure what it was but it was good.

On Saturday, we all got ready, and got on the train down to London. I went straight to the train station, to wait for my train to Plymouth to my sister's place. All the trains were delayed due to a fatality at Southall (somebody fell on the tracks).

And that's it for the week. I'll get to this next week's stuff next Saturday (25th).

Make that change

2009-06-29T05:59:00.005+01:00

The very first real encounter with Michael Jackson that I had was when my music teacher taught us the lyrics to Heal the World. I knew that it was a beautiful song. The message of the song itself was/is so beautiful. It's the one song that music video channels will always end with when making a tribute hour to Michael Jackson.

I'd like to think that Michael taught me the only lesson in the world that is worth learning. That love is all that matters. That when you do the thing that you're meant to do, the very thing that you love, you will shine brighter than the sun.

He also taught me that it's okay to live in your own world. Especially when the real world isn't exactly that great. Despite the fact that people might not ever understand, it's okay. It doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you.
Because nothing is wrong with you.

I still have trouble trying to reconcile with the fact that he is actually gone. I wanted to see him when he was in London for his final tour. I couldn't afford the tickets but I know that the mania would have been phenomenal.

I hope that Michael, wherever he is now, he's finally at peace. Because right now, whatever media circus is coming our way, is going to be anything but peaceful. I have heard snippets of drug abuse, foul-play etc. And to be honest, I'd rather not hear it. We think we're honouring him by doing it, but we're really not.

Frankly, I think the best way to honour him would actually be to make the world a better place. And yet it seems, we're doing everything but that. But we'll get there. Might not be any time soon, but we will.

It's easier to believe in this sweet madness... Oh this glorious sadness

2009-06-22T06:52:00.003+01:00

I think, for the first time in a long time, I'm actually depressed. It feels like one seriously big crash and I try my hardest to make it not seem like it but nothing really seems to be going right at the moment. Everything I see and hear is just bad on top of bad. And it makes me sad because there isn't a sign of it stopping.
People dying, people losing the people they love, people screaming ugly hatred at each other, people ignoring the people getting abused.

I'm just so tired, you guys.

Every day now, I think to myself, "Fuck it. I'm leaving." But I don't. Because I know that that is not how I want to live my life. Running away just because I've reached a new low. Or hiding inside myself just because I'm too damn scared of facing what could be out there. More than anything, I'm tired of that.

I'm tired of being let down by the people I love, even when I don't place any sort of expectations on them. But because of the attachment that I have with them, I still get disappointed. I don't expect better or worse. I don't expect anything. But yet I still feel like I got the wrong end of the stick most of the time.

I'm tired of people being so hateful. Or even the people who pretend to say that they hate people who are hateful. Isn't that just basically the same thing? You tell people to blind their eyes, and deafen their ears, but you still bitch about them? I don't pretend to say anything. Sure, I bitch about people. That unfortunately cannot be helped. But I never go as far as being so hateful.

When I bitch, I bitch about people I know and love. Like my mum, my brothers, my sisters, my friends, my cousins... Hell, I even bitch about my nephews and nieces. Because I know them and I love them. And just because I love them and accept them as they are, doesn't mean they don't throw me completely off my rocker once in a while. Them and me, we are just too different to agree on much.
But these are people I actually know, or interact with on a daily basis. And I'm the kind of person that really doesn't like that much interaction as it is, so I'm bound to go a little insane from too much of it.

The people I don't interact with... Sort of distant relatives, friends of friends, famous people, not so famous people. I get an ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach to even hear anything remotely bad, because I don't know them. And it's not because I can't contribute anything, it's because I don't feel like I'd be the right audience to listen in on that. It's not fair on people who are in the same shoes as me. Because it gives us a foundation, to mull over what kind of person would get other people so riled up that they'd bitch about them. It makes us assume and judge before we really actually know the person because we're only given one piece of the puzzle.

One piece. That's all it takes for anybody to judge.

I don't want to be a buzz-kill because there are those people who enjoy a good bitching. And I don't begrudge them that. I'm not their keeper, they like it, it's their life. But I have a problem when it starts getting ugly and I absolutely need to leave. Or I just shut up and I try to get that ugly feeling away from me.

These are the times that I wish things really could just be black and white. Rather than gray. Rare times.

A heart is not a home without the one who gets you through the storm

2009-06-12T01:28:00.002+01:00

Changed the layout. The red coloured font was starting to hurt my eyes, lol.

I've been back from my four day vacation since Monday/Tuesday and yet I'm still on holiday mode. It's like I need a holiday to recuperate from my holiday. Even though aforementioned holiday was like, the most relaxed I've felt in over a year.

It just goes to show that I really am a beach person. Even though I don't actually swim or do anything remotely aquatic (though I have resolved to re-learn how to swim... since I want to learn to surf and everything, I think knowing how to swim would be kind of vital). But I guess that the reason I love the beach is the same reason why people love it too. It's peaceful and calming influence... And just the fact that with every second of being there, it felt like my broken pieces were getting fixed.

One by one.

This is your life. Are you who you want to be?

2009-05-30T08:21:00.006+01:00

It's now been almost four days since my birthday. I have to say, 25 is looking pretty good. So far.

I was looking at my old blogs from a couple of years ago and I can sort of see how my thoughts have progressed from how they were back then. Like I have stayed on the same path and now I just have more evolved thoughts. More specifically to do with my spirituality which is a life-long process. I still don't believe in a one true religion. I still believe in love, even more so than ever. Love will always be the very thing that guides me. And I am steady in that.

On the day of my birthday, the first song I listened to was 'Meant To Live', by Switchfoot. I know that this isn't the life I want to live and I can choose to change it. But I choose not to change it. I choose to stay and see what could happen from here.
I read earlier today that to be a slave by choice means you are free. Because you had the freedom to choose to be a slave. And that to for it to be by otherwise, would mean that you're not.

So what am I? A slave of circumstances or slave of my own choice?
To be honest, I don't know. Circumstances have lead me to where I am now, but over time I chose to stay. I chose to stay because I wanted to see if I can do this. Being in a place that demands me to not be completely myself, but still be myself regardless of it. Will I survive? I'd like to believe that I will, purely because that is just how we're all programmed. The instinct to survive is inherent in us all. We make the best of what we're given, and just to pray to TPTB that we'll have always the faith, and the strength in us to go on.

Sara Ramirez AfterEllen interview

2009-05-07T08:47:00.009+01:00

AfterEllen: Callie recently came out to her dad and it didn’t go so well. A huge portion of our readership has experienced that, or is gearing up for coming out to family. What was it like to portray that dynamic?
Sara Ramirez: It was really heavy. I was really impressed and grateful it got as much time as it did on the show. It’s emotional any time you risk losing your family. When you cut that umbilical cord you really are on your own. When you have to make a choice to love yourself for who you are and keep your integrity versus appeasing your parents, you must choose yourself first. You must love yourself first. Unfortunately that can mean saying goodbye to a parent. That is frequently the parent’s choice, not the child’s. When a parent gives an ultimatum, they are making the choice.
Even if you don’t have your parent’s support you need to know that there are a slew of people out there who are sometimes better family than your own family. There is an alternative, plenty of family out there. Sometimes they just aren’t blood related. Those are the people you want to surround yourself with.

I never thought I'd ever see anybody voice my exact thoughts on family like that. Everything she said is literally what I think on the matter.

So why do I still feel guilty for thinking it? Could be the Asian-guilt thing. Could be the fact that it's been hammered into me how much family matters. And I do believe that, family does matter. But I also believe family doesn't always have to be blood. And I've been taught that. I have several uncles and aunts and people I consider to be cousins, that aren't actually related by blood or marriage. But I guess I'm talking about the core family. Not about who takes the father role, or the mother role, or the sister or the brother. But just, somebody who you know will love you, even when they hate you. People who wouldn't turn you away when you're being a complete ass to them. People that will give you the space when you need it. People who don't ask why until it's the right time to ask. And yes, even the people who would say "I told you so".

I want that. I don't know if I have that. Which is sad.
I love my family (the one I was born into), but I don't know if I trust them all completely. There are very few people in the world that I do trust completely and they're always there for me. They say that friends are the family you choose, so I choose these people, my friends. They're my family. And for now, it's enough.

25 days until I'm 25

2009-05-02T09:18:00.007+01:00

25 days until I'm 25. That same question pops up: Am I where I want to be at 25?
But that kind of question involves expectations. Expectations that I do not harbour because I have learned that I can disappoint myself pretty well, and I think I'd do well to not expect so much of me. There are no bare facts to what is but I can say that I have no complaints about where I am as I edge closer to 25.

I am working. Albeit at a job that is not my field of expertise, or even something I love, but it has it's good moments and I can bide my time. In the meantime, I'm earning an income that helps toward my future. I learned that when I'm in a situation that I cannot control or do not like, and there's no other option, I make the best of it until an opportunity presents itself.

I am healthy. As healthy as I can be as I'm trying to live a healthier lifestyle. It's unfortunately very hard when the meals that get made in the house are usually fatty, oily meals, lol. Really. And you never know when people want to go out for breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinner/whatever else. But from this, I learned to strengthen my will to either not take that extra bite, or to not order something my eyes like seeing, lol.

Most importantly, I have good friends who look out for me, even from a distance. They’re always concerned but not clingy, y’know what I mean? They let me have my space to deal, and they let me come to them.

Last year, on my 24 days before 24th post, I blogged about Ashley, and I would like to come back to talking about her for a bit. As most of you will know, we're not together due to the fact that neither of us are actually living in the same country anymore. But we're still friends. In fact, she has been the best friend a girl could ever have. Not a lot of people believe that exes can be good friends without any unresolved tension or whatever. But that is not the case here. The foundation for our relationship, whether it be as friends or as partners, is honesty. Our ability to communicate whatever we're feeling/thinking helped. Sure it led to some disagreements, it's not like we were going to agree on everything, right? But they still helped.

... And we still do love each other. Maybe that sounds sad or tragic to some but the fact that we even still do, is a blessing for the both of us. Better to love than not, right? It still comforts me on my worst days, and lifts me up higher on my better ones.

That's the biggest reason why I look forward to being 25, or at least why I'm not completely bothered about being a year older. It's because I know I have love in my life. Whether it be from Ashley, or my family, or my friends. I have love.
And it's because, I have love in me.

What other better reason to be, than to love?

Writing so it feels like heaven

2009-04-20T13:38:00.006+01:00

The past couple of weeks I have been writing. Well, the past two weekends anyway since work keeps me occupied during the week and I'm too tired in the evening to do anything but read. But when I do take my breaks during work, I write.
It's not really a big thing as it's more of a side project. An experiment, so to speak. And I've been getting pretty good reviews, which is good. And I've gotten some good constructive criticism. No flaming happening just yet, thankfully.
I think it's because I've reached a lull during the days where my ideas are coming and I have to get them down or I really am going to burst.

But I have been seriously contemplating that TV script though. Although that would definitely take commitment. Like, serious commitment than what I've already given to my writing. And I know I'm going to need help with it. And a lot of research.
Lol, I know, it sounds so much like I'm trying to talk myself out of it. And it's kind of working since I have that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. But that also usually means that it could be worth looking into.
It seems that the things you are most afraid of, are usually the things that feel like heaven when you overcome them, isn't it?

Chaotic but it's okay

2009-04-07T14:54:00.004+01:00

The curses of having a mind that scatters... Are the scattered ideas that come along that end up coming out half-assed as soon as it's up in the air, ready for me to juggle them around. It really makes my head spin. But I'm pretty sure, a part of me actually likes that.
At the moment, I'm writing a few stories, a few poems... Even contemplating writing a script. Yeah, exactly. All up in the air. But, I think I've gotten into a groove that'll allow me to have time to move along with these things.

I gave a friend of mine a rough draft of something I started working on a couple of months ago. I'm still working on it, but I'm looking forward to hearing her thoughts on it.

People don't think that I don't think about my future. But this is my future. Just because it seems I'm not doing anything, doesn't mean I'm not preparing for it either. I know everything I do and think is for the future, just as much as it is for the present.
Just because I'm not moving, doesn't mean I'm stagnant.

I work at my own pace. I decide my own pace... Everything and everyone else can be as chaotic as they want. Which incidentally, they are. Chaotic, I mean. But I'm okay with that.

I'm Movin' On
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
- Rascal Flatts
(I know I used this song in the previous post... But it's exactly how I feel)

The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive

2009-03-27T08:13:00.004Z

Two more months till my birthday. Yay!

And I only look forward to it because hello, turning 25. And hello, not one, not two, but three and a half frik-frakking holidays for me, :-D. I say three and a half because of the cottage holiday while I'm in the UK, lol.

I look forward to the UK holiday more because as I'm sure you all know, I consider it to be like going back home. No no, let me say that, it is going back home for me. I look at the pictures of my friends in London and I see the buildings and I'm thinking damn, I miss that. I miss being able to walk so freely.

That's the thing I noticed, the differences in how I walk in these two places. Here, I feel so stunted, constrained, wooden, disconnected. No matter what I do, or how long I've been here, and I've been here for the majority of my life, I still feel a great disconnection. Like I am parallel to it. But I feel no loss for it. And thinking of London, I remember walking on the streets, and I remember how my gaits were smooth, fluid and certain. Even when I didn't know where the hell I was going, I was still certain in taking the next step. Even though I know most of where I walk here, I feel unsure and so fucking anxious.
It may not be a big thing to you because jesus, it's about the way I walk. But you can still take it as a metaphor for how I feel about being here. How I am.

I've been hearing songs about going home, or missing it. So I'm just going to post lyrics right now 'cause I can't seem to find the words to say just how it aches.

Franklin

And when we get home, I know we won't be home at all
This place we live, it is not where we belong
And I miss who we were in the town we could call our own
Going back to get away after everything has changed
- Paramore

I'm Movin' On
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
- Rascal Flatts

This Is Home
I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide it's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone
- Switchfoot

Let That Be Enough
Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With no where to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sandcastles
Spend their time collapsing
- Switchfoot

Halfway Home
I'm halfway home and I'm on my own
I'm halfway there and I don't care, I don't mind
I plan to leave here after supper time
that's when traffic is light, all I need is a sign
and I'll be alright
I'll be fine
- Jason Mraz

sigh Computer woes.

2009-03-17T11:27:00.003Z

No wait, let me be more specific.

*sigh* Vista woes.

I don't know if I can say that my desktop is on it's last legs because it still runs well. The only problem is that one fine day, my dear innocent computer was Vista updating itself, and then when it restarted. You know what happened? Everything that connects through the USB ports did not recognized. Well, except for my speakers and my mouse. Which is mostly fine since I hardly have time to use my desktop for anything else apart from writing, listening to music and playing Age of Empires.

What makes it not fine is the fact that is my connection to the internet. Or lack thereof.

Since my computer doesn't have a wireless card, it connects by a usb wifi thingymajiggy. So my desktop has been without internet for the past few days now. But like I said, it's mostly fine because I just found myself swamped at work that most of the time I just pass by the computer, put on some music and throw myself on the bed to sleep, lol.

I've done most of the things that I found online. You really do learn more when something bad goes wrong and you're trying your hardest to fix it all, lol. But that's all things I can do without an internet connection. I'm going to have to buy a phone cable long enough to reach to my room so I can maybe try those Windows patches I found.

Fingers crossed eh?

But this isn't the first time my desktop has revolted against me. Once in awhile, it'll do something that puts a stop to a lot of necessary things. Not to mention the fact that the System Restore doesn't seem to work at all. It's the little things. I'm not going to buy myself a new desktop though. Well, not yet anyway. I think I'll wait until Windows 7 comes out, lol.

We were never meant for "do or die"

2009-03-16T02:24:00.005Z

I believe that we are made a certain way, and we on our lives either developing that way or denying it. That we are made of a specific nature and it's ours. It's what makes us who we are. Like we can have all these same parts to us but the result is different in each of us.

The way. I hear that in some circles I go around, and I've not stopped wondering: What is my way? We hear that story about the frog and the crocodile. How after the frog asks, the crocodile carries the frog across the river, but in the end, eats it because that is just his way. Why is it so much simpler for animals? They only have one instinct, and that's to survive. We can go on and on about how "civilized" we are, but we're no different. We are just as much animals as they are. What makes us different than them? That we think? That we have opposable thumbs?
I mean, do we do the things we do, because we want to survive, or because we want to make sure that we'll always come out on top of the chain? This whole ridiculous idea of being the alpha species. Are we really? Or have we been manipulated to think that we are?

The past few days I have talked to some friends, about how there are just some people who let other people believe that they're not smarter than they actually are. They do this because these other people like to believe that they're the smarter ones. And it made me wonder, who else does that? Who lets someone else believe that they're the smarter one, that they're the more developed human being? Because they know they may not be as smart, intelligence-wise, but they are smarter in other ways.
But really, who actually decides what kind of smarts matters more? And why does it matter more?

... And I've digressed so far from the point of this post, lol. I meant to talk about the way, and my way. All these things about ways and how everything is just innate and instinctual, to the things we do. But ironically, I lost my train of thought on that.

Next time.

Is this as hard as it gets?

2009-03-11T02:37:00.006Z

I just saw an old friend today. I didn't recognise her at first. But I knew I would never forget her eyes. But it seems she's forgotten me. Or didn't recognise me either. I don't know. One thing I do know is that seeing her in person actually knocked me back pretty hard.

It wasn't like an accidental bumping-into-them sitch. But more like a random occurrence. I was just going to the bank to open up an account, and while I was talking to the girl, there she was. Just walking by. I thought it couldn't be, then I heard her voice and I knew for sure, it was her. It's very surreal to see somebody from your past, where nothing bad really happened to dissolve your friendship. Nothing but time.

I tried to ignore her every time she walked by the counter and concentrate on the girl helping me but, it was hard not to watch. Like some sort of car accident or something. Not that my old friend looks like a car wreck, she looked good. It was just that it felt impossible to ignore her. I really couldn't believe I was finally seeing her right there in front of me.

Looking at her made me realize that I did miss her a lot. Her friendship got me through high school. So I'm sure you understand that I'm more than grateful to her. It's people like her that make me think about the reason as to why I'm back here. Why I stick around when there's really nothing to hold me back. Well, apart from the sheer lack of money, lol.

And I wish that I still had her friendship. Because I'm pretty sure it'd be able to get me through this time. But, we can't all have what we wish, right? If it happens, then it does. If not, then, I'm still glad I knew her. Even if it was back then.

The old me is dead and gone

2009-02-27T16:21:00.005Z

There are these moments during the day, when I get this feeling in my chest. A kind of overwhelming feeling. And it takes my breath away. Sort of like how a sucker punch would feel, I guess. I try to embrace the feeling and let it pass by because I know that in a few seconds, I'll breathe like normal again. I don't know why it happens but it does. Sometimes it's an overwhelming hurt. Sometimes it's an overwhelming love. I wish I could say that these feelings are truly mine to bear, but they aren't always.

I think it's what happens when you are trying to open yourself to the world around you, and you find all these things come rushing into you. Like they've been coming from everywhere, just waiting for a vessel to inhabit. And though I did not mean for that to come out as Alien aka Sigourney Weaver, but it does feel like that. All the good and all the bad. Especially the bad.

My friend never fails to mention how I tend to look on the more morbid, darker side of things. And I know I used to do that. In fact, I know I still do that. But not all the time now. I remember reading that ecstasy is born out of pain and suffering. Or something like that. But I guess it is something I can understand, though it makes me want to keep myself separate from people. To keep them from feeling a sadness that I know sometimes overflows from every pore of my body. But at the same time, I still want to be in there. In the throes of something exquisite.
It's a see-saw kind of life. Very yin yang in it's way.

It was Ash Wednesday last week, and if I remember what Ashley told me, it was also the beginning of Lent. A day of repentance that marks the beginning of forty days of prayer and fasting. Though from what my friends have told me that it marks the beginning of giving up something that you really really like. Trying to break a habit that seems so set in stone.

I don't know any thing that I would actually give up, to be honest with you. It's just that there isn't a lot of things to my life. I'd just be cliche and the only thing I would give up are Hershey's Chocolate Almond Kisses, and if you know me well, you'd know that I'm sucker for that chocolate. Every week I buy myself two bags of it, and I finish in one weekend. Seriously. But since the store that usually sells them, don't have them in stock right now, seems a little like cheating that I would give it up since I have no temptation for me to resist.

I'll have to get back to you on that I guess.

Happy Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T00:57:00.006Z

You know, sometimes I wish I didn't get so completely surprised by people being so negative about certain people. Certain people that they don't even really know. But I do still get surprised, and even if it isn't actually directed at me, I still feel the impact. Sympathy pains, I guess you would call it. But I'm not just concerned about the person who gets the negative talk, but the person making it. Maybe I'm weird or I don't know but I just feel the more negativity you put out there, you'll just end up getting it just as bad or worse. Is that phrase "If you have nothing good to say, then don't say anything at all" just a whole bunch of horse poop?

But I get it y'know. People attack other people they don't know, and it's not actually about that other person. It's about themselves and how they perceive themselves. I guess everything really is rooted in fear.

So many bad and harsh things are happening around the world right now, and the rest of us are just trying to live our lives. So why do we get attacked for it? Why should we be made guilty for it? Why are we even attacking each other for it?

What, you think the Day of Love is only meant for your boyfriend/girlfriend? You think it just goes to your family and your friends? It's the Day of Love, not the Day of Love for your Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Friends and Family. It means love for everybody and everything. It means love for even the person that you despise most in the world.

Oh sure yes, they say that it's the day that "lovers express their love for each other". Sure you can take it as just for your partner, that's your prerogative. Sure, if you want to limit your love to just your partner, your family and your friends, that's up to you entirely. And I'm not saying that it's a bad thing. It's great but I'm just talking about spreading that love on a bigger scale. The biggest scale that you can't even conceive in your wildest dreams.

I mean, can you imagine loving those that hate you? Or loving those you claim to hate? I swear, we preach these things but we just seem to like hearing ourselves go on and on about love, but we don't actually love.

It's not the hardest thing in the world, to love. But we like to make it harder for ourselves. We just seem to like making a big deal out of things that don't even fucking matter! Maybe I'm naive but I refuse to believe that people actually like to feel all that ugliness inside of them. Don't tell me people like to feel the insecurity-fueled anger/jealousy/envy inside because I know that I never did.

This is why I'm never surprised at the disasters that happen in the world. We did this. All of us. And it'll continue to go on, as it should. Because if it weren't for these disasters, we wouldn't appreciate love for what it is. If it hadn't been for the things that happened to me, I know I wouldn't have appreciated it.

I've seen what love can do. I know how powerful it can be. And it frightens me sometimes. Because it's got so much power, and it is so... Uncontrollable. But it's something I'm more than willing to face. Something I'm more than willing to embody.

Because love, it isn't just a feeling, is it?

Happy Valentine's Day to all. With all that I am, I wish you love.

Happy birthday Ashley

2009-02-09T01:23:00.010Z

*love*

But Ruth said: “Entreat me not to leave you, or to turn back from following after you; for wherever you go, I will go; and wherever you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die and there will I be buried. The Lord do so to me, and more also, if anything but death parts you and me.”
Ruth 1:16-17

Ashley quoted this to me once. The passage is about a woman, Ruth who, by saying the above passage, committed herself to Naomi. Committed to Naomi first, then Naomi's people, then her God. Committed to her for the rest of her life.

It's a beautiful passage. But I'm not going to go into some religious discussion about how I interpret this passage etc. etc.

It's just something I happened to remember her saying to me. And regardless of what actually happened, it still means something to me. That somebody as beautiful and wonderful as she is, would allow me the pleasure of loving her.

I said to her that it was a pretty big deal, for her to even quote it to me. Because of what we were going to deal with in the inevitable future and all that. But she said that she didn't care, she just wanted to be with me.

So in that beautiful moment and for all the future beautiful moments we had together since that day, she was committed to me. It just didn't get any better than that.

Happy Birthday Ashley. I wish you all the love and happiness in the world.
I love you. Pour toujours.

If you would like some reading material on the passage, here are a couple of links I found useful:
1) Ruth 1 - The entire chapter leading to the quote
2) Lesbians, Gays, Transgender and the Bible - wouldn't be complete without our interpretation eh?

“Surrender your life serenely, as serenely as the One who takes it from you”

2009-02-06T02:19:00.004Z

- Marcus Aurelius

February has arrived, and it is met with little fanfare. It feels surreal that it's actually February, and not the very first day of January. Just the other day, we were celebrating my sister's 35th birthday.

I had been thinking of birthdays recently and it kind of just struck me that I'll be here for my birthday. I'll be here.
And I don't know what to think of it, to tell you the truth. I have moments of being all shell-shocked about it. I'm not even sure how to feel about it.

A part of me feels happy that I will be here, with my family. But another part would love nothing more than to be elsewhere. Maybe I'm just being apprehensive about being around my family for my birthday again as I've been celebrating my last few birthdays on a smaller scale. But they brought me more joy than any other birthday I had here.

What does that really say about me?

The first time I celebrated my birthday there was for my 18th and my closest house-mates threw me a surprise party. I came downstairs to the living room to a shout of "Surprise!" and balloons everywhere. People may not know this about me, but I actually love surprises. Of the good kind, obviously. Any kind of bad surprises, I can work through, lol.
But back to my point, surprises like that rarely happened to me and I cherish that memory to this very day.

It wasn't my first surprise party though. I remember on a particular birthday, my sister took me out just for awhile. Shopping or something, I don't remember. And then when we came back, there was my mum telling me to go through the other door, and there was my family. All of my family.
It was the first time a surprise party my mum planned actually worked! Lol. Usually somebody will spill it somebody and then in the end, it's not much of a surprise. But this one did surprise me well.

I guess the reason I'm apprehensive now is because I wonder how different is it going to be now. It's an uncertainty I'm willing to face head on.

I think it's just because I've been talking to my friends a lot more lately, it just makes me realise how much I really missed them. I can only surrender to that feeling.

Been doing that a lot lately. Surrendering to the feeling.

Imperfectly

How can I help it if I'm high strung
if I was born with a sharp tongue
Will you marry me if I stay sweet
If I am the one with the cold feet
but I love you, I love you

Imperfectly, I love you
- Veruca Salt

You're the only one who's got enough of me to break my heart

2009-02-01T14:33:00.003Z

It might not the best thing to be listening to some majorly depressing achy-breaky love songs. It hasn't reached the stage where it's supposed to be cathartic. Sometimes it's nice to remember the simpler moments but it's kinda hurting right now. Actually it hurts a lot.

I think Prayers for Bobby unlocked some sort of fucking dam or something. I've been feeling nothing but the major bummers, man. It really, really, sucks.

But I'll get over it. As I always do.

I remember when we kissed
I still feel it on my lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing
I remember the simple things
I remember till I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget
Is goodbye

"In God's eyes, kindness and loves are what it's all about."

2009-01-30T01:43:00.006Z

I am really tired at the moment. My fault. I didn't sleep till 2 'cause I was up watching this movie, Prayers for Bobby (I'm still writing the review). And my eyes are just swollen from the lack of sleep, and also the sheer amount of crying I did. For 90 minutes of the movie, I think there was at least 5 - 10 minutes when I didn't cry.

Movies like these always make me think about my own situation. I know that they are actually supposed to make us more brave, encouraged to come out to our own parents. That they're supposed to open the eyes of people who don't understand, or who don't think they can ever understand. Or they just don't want to understand.
And it's the last one that frightens me the most because that's what I feel I will face.

I know my friends, my sister and some cousins have accepted me. And it makes me feel lucky because some people don't even have that. My parents might never accept me fully, but I know I have some family who do. It's not the same, but it'll have to be enough when the time comes.

Why do I have so little faith in my parents' love? Why am I so unfair to them? Why am I not giving them a chance to actually react to the fact that I am gay?
The fact that they don't even accept the smaller irrelevant parts of me.

I have a lot of faith in love. I just find that people can be the least steady of vessels for love. It's nobody's fault. It's just the way it is when our minds can't reconcile with our hearts.

I was watching this show on Hallmark called American Dreams (or Dreamz, I can't really remember). It's set in 1963, and I had just switched on to the show when the episode was almost done. I'll just fast forward to the scene that got to me. Two fathers scolding their teens, a boy, and a girl separately. The scene goes back and forth between the father and the son, and the father and the daughter. The back story is that the boy was walking the girl home, because her date had to leave. She thought she could call her dad to pick her up from the theatre. And this boy worked in the theatre, and they knew each other because his dad worked for her dad. The boy offers to walk her home, and they get into a spot of trouble with the police, until her dad finally arrives to take her home.
The reason they were stopped by the police? The boy was African-American.
The father actually scolded his daughter telling her that she brought trouble to the boy. Because he knew that the boy is a nice boy. It's just that he was a nice, African-American boy. She retaliated asking whether she should have just walked home alone, when it's late at night, by herself. And her father actually said yes.

Can you imagine that? It was better to walk alone, rather than walk with a person that society deems abnormal. Different. Better to be alone than safe.
It's so good that irrational fear wins over common sense. Really. It comforts me. It comforts me that prejudice and ignorance completely takes precedence over what's right. Really. So good.

Fuck.

I can only shake my head at the insane logic that people adopt when their fear wins over. But I can't blame them, can I? For every person who overcomes their fear of what's different, there is another who'll realize their own fear. That's just the way it is.

... That's the way it'll always seem to be, I guess.

Look back and you'll find me there

2009-01-21T13:25:00.006Z

Today I had the biggest flashback.

This afternoon, I was standing in the middle of the road, and there were loads of people, just standing around. The sun wasn't shining through, but still I went back to a day when sun was shining so bright and so hot I could barely stand. I've been remembering days when I was back in college. And this one day came to mind. It wasn't exactly a special day. But it still came to me.

It was a weekend. Most likely a Saturday. My best friend and I decided to take a walk around because it was a beautiful day. And we thought that we could try a different route to town. We came to a road, and it was literally packed. With people. People walking around, sitting down. Just hanging out. Like there was some sort of festival going on, but there wasn't. It was just a beautiful day that everybody wanted to enjoy it as much as we did. But nevertheless, my friend and I were shocked to see so many. No cars were passing by. Not even any bikes going through. Everybody was just lounging on that long stretch of road. Music blared from every corner we walked by, and some people were actually dancing. Their enthusiasm was catching. It was like a burst of life, I guess. Like I hadn't seen so many people acting so free with themselves. So free to express themselves. It was overwhelming in it's way. I loved every second of it.

I don't get a lot of memory flashes. Sometimes I think once something happens, I tend to forget it over time and it hardly ever comes back to me. Like my childhood. I really cannot remember a thing about it apart from few scarce moments. Not even my days in primary school or secondary school. I see pictures of myself with classmates or schoolmates, and I think to myself that I don't know who she is. This person I apparently was.

It may be my biggest regret. Not knowing who I used to be. Not knowing who I was. I can only take comfort in knowing who I am now. I don't think I can make any expectations on who I will be, but for right now, I know who I am. I know the thoughts that run through my head. I know the emotions that my soul experiences. I know them all, and that makes it okay.

Happy New Year

2009-01-06T02:54:00.005Z

I began this year with love. I was on the phone with Ashley as it was something we promised each other that we would do. As the clock struck twelve in 2008 last year, we promised that wherever we were in the world, whatever we're doing, we'd see 2009 with each other. Granted, we weren't actually together when it turned 2009 here, but she called me a couple of minutes beforehand. Quietly, I told her I loved her as soon I heard the sound of fireworks coming from outside.

I know, it sounds like we're torturing ourselves. But we really aren't. If there's anything that I've learned from my time with Ashley, is that when you're loving somebody, then you're fulfilling the most important purpose that we've been given in this world. There are days when I think to myself about this shitty situation I'm in, then I think of her. I feel that love in me and I know that whatever happens, I'll always have that, and I'll go on. Loving as I do.

I've been back here for almost half a year and there have been a lot of moments when I wish I could just pack up and leave. Moments where I think to myself, "I'm not meant for this place." My mum thinks that I haven't accepted that I'm back, but that's the thing, I have. But just because I'm here, doesn't mean I'm going to change the way I am. She gets annoyed that I don't go out and hang out with friends, or enjoy the time that I'm here. Or use it productively. But it's more that she doesn't accept me. Because this is the way I am. I've never been one to actively go out and hang out with friends. Not that I don't want to. Of course I love hanging out with my friends, but I cherish my solitude. I've hardly ever gotten that since I've been back. I do enjoy the time that I'm here. I'm more than thankful that I am here to see my nephews and nieces and watch them grow up. I'm more than thankful that I'm here to witness my own cousins growing up into their own people. I'm just not meant to be here.

It doesn't make me angry that she doesn't accept it. There are other, bigger, important things about me that she definitely will never accept. It just makes me sad. That these unimportant things blind her love for me.

So I accept that I'm here. I accept that it may be a certain amount of time before I can go back to where I want to be. I accept it all. So I promised myself then that I would do my best to use my time here wisely.

A friend of mine asked the other day whether I had a New Year's resolution. I don't consciously make a New Year's resolution. I only have a wish for the year and that it be filled with a lot of love and laughter. Everything else that I don't need to wish for, I just have to y'know, get it done. And there are a lot of things to get done.

It's a funny word, "resolution".
Definition: "the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose"
Firmness of purpose. It sounds like a forever kind of thing, doesn't it? When most of the time, people tend to forget their resolutions by March at least. It sounds like it should be something more than just "I want to lose weight" or "I want to find a boyfriend/girlfriend". It sounds like it should be something more than just superficial desires. You get down to the root of all those desires and you can call it for what it is.
"I want to be at peace with myself."
"I want to be happy."

I'm not a happy person. I'm the type of person to have small doses of happy moments at certain points in time. But I'm not depressed either. What I am is that I am at peace with myself. I know who I am, and god knows, I've come to like who I am as a person. I may change and evolve, but I'm not about to do that on somebody else's command.

I have no desires. All I want to be is who I am. And love.

That's all.

rolls-eyes

2008-12-30T01:50:00.002Z

I always seem to have to retract the break-the-glass-ceiling lesbian stuff. Well, what they consider to be breaking the glass ceiling anyway.

Lesbian kiss in Histeria = FAIL.
Apparently anyway.

There have been some that say that the kiss is there, but then there are other theatres that don't have it. Which is not really anything new I guess.

But still, FAIL.

And I am annoyed.

Oh dayum

2008-12-19T01:10:00.004Z

Histeria... First Malaysian lesbian kiss on movie screens.
I repeat. Oh dayum!

While I agree that yes, there are such relationships that exist in boarding schools everywhere (but really boys, not just girls boarding schools, thankyouverymuch), but this is really way beyond breaking the glass ceiling. And I for one am not really looking forward to what the reaction might be. The actors' statements on the kiss itself is kind of lacklustre.

But despite that, it does look like the standard Malaysian horror film. Y'know, kind of awesome.

Food for thought.

2008-12-15T01:43:00.006Z

My cousin just invited me to dinner and she was asking me about a salad I had made for her, her mum and her sister, when they came to visit me while I was back in the UK. She said that her mum kept on talking about it, and considering that her mum is kind of an awesome cook, it kind of feels nice to have my own cooking appreciated.
I know, I know. A salad? How hard can that be? But really, there is kind of a fine art to it. Like the many many different dressings you can choose to put on it. The croutons, and how you have to get them just right. Whether to go with seafood or poultry. What kind of herbs to use, if you want to use them, that is. And you know, the many vegetables that you actually want to put in the salad itself. Endless possibilities.
And call me a nerd, but I kind of like making my salad look good before eating it. Actually, that pretty much goes with any meal that I make. It makes me appreciate the food I order whenever I go to restaurants.

Thinking about it just makes me feel guilty because I didn't want to stop cooking when I got here. But I hadn't the chance to do it here. Mainly because it doesn't feel like my kitchen. I miss the days when I would just open up a kitchen cabinet and Ready Steady Cook my way around the kitchen. Only without the whole 30 minutes thing. Then to taste the food and actually discover that it's beyond delicious? It's a pretty nice feeling.

Not to mention the fact that when I was cooking for myself, I was almost always cooking healthier meals than the ones I'm eating now, lol. Even the snacks I had were ten times healthier. The only time I had any sort of junk food, was Saturday, because that's pizza night. And Sunday, because that's pizza morning. Call me a guy, but I love eating cold pizza in the morning, lol. Especially when it's Domino's pizza 'cause that's the only place I would order pizza from.
I miss Domino's pizza, :-(.

You would think I'd be hungry after talking about food, but I'm not, lol. It just makes me miss my kitchen even more. I miss that house. It was my home for a year and it had a lot of good memories. Ashley memories. Even some scary memories. I remember being woken up the house alarm just because the stupid electricity short-circuited for a second. And there was the time when I was chatting with my friend, and that earthquake happened. I thought I was going crazy, lol.
*sigh* I miss being there alot.

Goes to show, there is just no way I'm sticking around here for the rest of my life. I just can't.

Would you please...

2008-12-10T07:42:00.003Z

I've been listening to this song on repeat these few days. I don't know why really, but something about it has been keeping me hooked on it.

would you please
let me slide a few words
under your door

the first three say "I love you,"
the last five "but I can't no more,"
I don't believe in miracles
no, not like I did before

and would you please
let me slide a few words
under your door
and would you please
yeah, try to understand

there's a paragraph or two
devoted to the memories that we shared
in the dramatized songs about
how there'll be no more memories
no more memories

and if you'll notice in the corner
there's a tiny little heart I've enclosed
like a little surprise (oh yes, I did)
and if you'll please ignore
the smeared, smudged writing
it came from the tears in my eyes

you're probably gonna get it
after a long day
you may not even believe it's true
I know you know, you know
you know my crazy ways

yeah, but sleeping beauty is going to bed
she put a little tiny hole in her own head
gotta find her own way home
before she's dead

before she's dead...

- Rachael Yamagata

*sigh*

TV rant... And spoilers, I guess.

2008-12-06T11:13:00.007Z

That is not right. Y'know, Bryan Fuller has all these amazing shows and what happens to them?
Dead Like Me? Cancelled.
Wonderfalls? Cancelled.
Pushing Daisies? CANCELLED.

Dude, what's up with that? Yeah yeah, he's going to go write for Heroes. Whatever. I'm still not happy. Pushing Daisies is too awesome for words, and we get According To Jim being given an eighth season. EIGHTH. I almost wanted to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon after watching one episode of that. Don't get me wrong. I love Courtney Thorne-Smith. I love love Annie Banks (okay, her name is Dana in the show, but really, she'll always be Annie Banks to me)
But Jim? Seriously? It's not his looks, in case you think I'm going down the route of "How the hell did he manage to get Courtney Thorne-Smith?". It's the way he is. Women want to be married to that? Guys are like that?
I get it. It's supposedly funny because it's practically removed from reality. But helloooo, Dead Like Me? Behind the scenes on grim reapers. Wonderfalls? Girl can talk to psychic inanimate objects. Pushing Daises? Guy can resurrect the dead (albeit for only a minute). How much further removed from reality do you want?!

It's almost official that people don't realise the good things that are there in front of them. Stupid ratings.

Bother.

Oh and by the way, Heroes.
Tell me you did not just kill Elle. Tell me you didn't and maybe I'll forgive you. Tell me Sylar didn't actually just do what I think he did. Tell me anything except for the fact that Elle just fucking got killed off.
I know that Kristen has like stuff to do outside of Heroes, like the five films (awaiting for release, in post-production and currently filming) and Gossip Girl, and whatever else. But did you really have to kill her off?
She is the only character I actually like. Claire, I tolerate and everybody else is just plain annoying. And when I say everyone else, I really just mean, Peter, Hiro and Matt.
Tell me she's coming back and then I'll really forgive you.

Over-reacting? Whatever. Elle's my girl, she may have been damaged, but she totally should have been given the chance to redeem herself. From the interviews I've read, Elle just has to come back because the stuff that we had been promised to see, not so much of that popping up just yet.
So, dear TV gods, bring her back.

*sigh*

At least I'll be seeing Kristen in them films. I'm glad about that.

Bother.

2008-12-05T02:08:00.001Z

I had something to blog about, but I thought I'd remember it. Should have realised that it would be a fleeting thought. Never mind. I guess for now, I'll just give you guys a link to go to.

White Knots

Prop 8: The Musical

2008-12-04T05:38:00.004Z

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you

2008-12-02T03:42:00.003Z

A few days ago, it was my ex's birthday. I remembered only on the day itself, but it kind of explained some parts of why she's been on my mind alot lately. Why her face comes to me in dreams that are just never-ending. And it just, hurts. It pains me all over, fresh and bleeding out. Sometimes I can't handle that. I want to bury her deep down with every day that passes by.

Every time I see her face, I feel that little bit of progress being chipped away. And it just annoys me greatly.

What annoys me even more is that this is great fodder for my writing.

Stupid writer's need for angst.

Apart from that, things are steadily getting better the past couple of days. Taking time out for myself has been good and proved easier to get back into. Had to start locking my door so that nobody comes in and disturbs me. It feels good being in my own company and knowing that nobody's going to come barging in because really, not a lot of seem to understand the concept of knocking and waiting for the person to say "Come in" before actually coming inside.

Taking time out to meditate again does help too.

Anyway.

My niece's 1st birthday is coming up and I don't really know what I'm going to get her since she doesn't show much interest for anything except the TV's remote control though she doesn't actually watch TV, lol. Well, the thing she does show the most interest in, is food, lol. That's the thing about 1st birthdays, because they're half about the kid, and half about the parents. I figure I'll get something for her, and something for my brother and sister-in-law.

My cousin's 1st birthday is also coming up, before my niece's birthday. I have no idea what to get him either, lol. My sister would definitely be better at this than me. I'm looking forward to her visit. It'd just be good to have somebody to talk to at home. Somebody who actually appreciates space as I do.

Oh, The L Word coming back on the 18th January. Mark that date. Because from the spoilers and trailers, this season looks like a doozy.

There is no better thing than comfort when you didn't know how much you needed it.

2008-12-01T02:07:00.005Z

These past few weeks have been mounting up to something volcanic. Inside of me, I don't know. It's like you don't realise how much you keep inside of you until it erupts. How much you keep inside because you're pushing it down for someone else, everyone else. And I'm disappointed with myself about that because I thought I was over that. It's proven to be a hard habit to break.

But I talked to a friend of mine the other day, and she helped me. She let me go on and on about the things that has been bothering me, without giving much comment. I felt so... relieved. And it just reminded me of how much I have forgotten about myself. I very nearly forgot my own priorities. I think in the deepest part of me, I knew it and I had been acting on that upset. Not as much as I probably could. Because I know getting angry wouldn't help. Because I know I would end up saying things I may mean, but would end up unnecessarily hurting a lot of people. I may be all for being honest with friends and family, but I learned that the right time to say most things is not in anger/fear. I learned to pick my battles, when to get in there and when to take a step back. I learned when not to poke at a bleeding wound.

It is nobody's fault though. Sure, there have been a few people that have annoyed me to a point where I want to renounce my non-violence streak. Like I said, it's been building up. And if anything, people have just been poking me at the wrong times, and that's not their fault that they didn't know. But if there were those that did not know, and kept poking at it anyway, then I don't know what to say really. I'm not really a revenge kind of person so it's not like I'd be doing it anytime soon. Everything takes it's due course eventually.

It's like we placed a card on top of another and then another, and before we know it, we made a house. It's letting somebody take the wheel without even really realising it. It's travelling on that part of my consciousness where I start doing something the one minute and next thing I know, it's two months later and I'm still doing the same thing.

What kind of life is that?

Blargh.

2008-11-27T03:21:00.005Z

What is it about grandparents that they just spoil their grandkids? I mean, why really? Especially when the kids have been spoiled as it is by their own parents. I don't get that.

Though, I wasn't spoiled by my grandparents, seeing as I only had two grandmothers growing up. And they didn't spoil me. Unless you call having to read through the holy book in my free afternoons, spoiling me.

I really don't get it.

I really don't get how people don't see what actually is in front of them. I don't even get why people keep focusing on whether they're special or who they think is special. Let's put it this way, nobody is really that special. People are people are people, y'know what I mean? We may all be the same but different, but we're not special.

Seriously. Get over yourself.

I want to see this: Milk

2008-11-26T08:00:00.005Z

Official website: Milk, IMDB site
Director: Gus Van Sant
Cast: Sean Penn (Harvey Milk), Emile Hirsch (Cleve Jones), Josh Brolin (Dan White), James Franco (Scott Smith), Alison Pill (Anne Kronenberg)
Film info: Academy Award nominee Gus Van Sant directs Academy Award winner Sean Penn as gay rights icon Harvey Milk. Mr. Milk (1930-1978) was an activist and politician, and the first openly gay man to be elected to public office in America; in 1977, he was voted to the city supervisors' board of San Francisco. The following year, both he and the city's mayor George Moscone were shot to death by another city supervisor, Dan White. Mr. Milk was previously the subject of the Academy Award-winning documentary feature "The Times of Harvey Milk," but "Milk" -- filmed on location in San Francisco -- is the first non-documentary feature to explore the man's life and career.

Technically, it's kinda out already. And I have actually known about this movie for awhile because hello, it's Gus Van Sant. If you haven't seen Elephant, then you're just plain missing out. And this is a movie happens to be about one of the most important figures in LGBT history. Making it an instant must-watch for me as it appeals to the gay rights activist in me.
Who knew I had one seriously? I sure as hell didn't. But then you never know what you have until something gets taken away, right? I look forward to seeing it.

Release date: December 5, 2008 (according to IMDB and Trailer Addict, but there is a review on the world premiere of the movie in San Francisco on the AfterEllen site)

Oh yes!

2008-11-26T07:29:00.003Z

The Canon EOS 5D Mk II is finally in QQ.

Well, almost.

No price on it just yet, and not available in stock either. But still, FINALLY.

Sheesh.

I hope it's not going to cost me a bomb though. It would be awesome to meet the New Year with this camera. Forget the PowerShot G10 that I was looking at before. It completely pales in comparison.

I can't decide to either go without spending too much after buying it, or before buying it. I know, I know. I have the money, so people keep telling me. But I just don't want to think that I actually have it. It's like when some people get a credit card, and they think it makes them invincible. But it really doesn't.

I know what not having money feels like. Or having less money than I actually need. It's a frightening feeling because everything starts getting difficult. Sure, sure, I can count on my family to help, and they know that if they decide that I really do/did need the money, they would give it to me. But I don't want to ask. Call that arrogant or proud or stubborn, but I really would rather not rely on them. I don't want to get into that cycle. And I would rather that if I should ever need help from my family, it would be for something more important than money.

Though it's not to say that I'm so proud, I wouldn't accept money.

I'm stubborn, I'm not stupid.

I want to see this: 2012

2008-11-19T02:06:00.003Z

Official website: 2012, IMDB site
Director: Roland Emmerich
Cast: John Cusack (Jackson Curtis), Amanda Peet (Kate), Chiwetel Ejiofor (Adrian Helmsley), Thandie Newton (First Daughter)
Film info: Never before has a date in history been so significant to so many cultures, so many religions, scientists, and governments. 2012 is an epic adventure about a global cataclysm that brings an end to the world and tells of the heroic struggle of the survivors.

Yeah hello, Amanda Peet AND Thandie Newton?
Plus, I kinda heart John Cusack, seeing as I actually went to see him Must Love Dogs, willingly. Though to be fair, that was still a pretty lovely film anyway.
Wikipedia calls it a post-apocalyptic sci-fi film. Don't know about you guys, but that seems like one too many hyphens to me. But I do love me a post-apocalyptic film anyway. Show me anything post-apocalypticy and I'm there.
... It doesn't bode well that I seem to enjoy watching the end of the world, does it?
Oh well.

Release date: July 10, 2009

"Scepticism is the beginning of Faith."

2008-11-17T01:19:00.002Z

- Oscar Wilde

So my mum caught me reading The God Delusion, and proceeded to tell me why she doesn't read these kinds of books. So basically, without even bothering to read the book, she judged it as a book that attacks religion, god, whatever. That it is a book that'll ultimately make me question the religion I was born into.
The best case example for literally judging a book by it's cover.

Well hey, maybe she is right. Maybe it is. But I've only just started reading so I can't assume to know what the book is really about as I've barely scratched the surface. But what I do know, is that my faith is stronger than any book. I don't need a book to tell me what is right and what is wrong. I know it, and I've always known it.

My faith isn't in any religion. It isn't in some mystical god/goddess. My faith is only in me. And in love.
I have always questioned the religion that I was born into. What, just because I don't see it as the ultimate religion, that makes me wrong on all things? I don't attack any religion, not to my recollection. I don't even attack the people that follow it so blindly, without knowing. For them, maybe ignorance is bliss. And that's okay, they're allowed to have that smidge of comfort and happiness. But I can't. It's not because I know better, or understand better. It's just the way that I am. I have followed some things blindly before, and it didn't serve me well. I can't allow that to happen again.

Why do I need to read all these books then? Because I want to know that I'm not the only one in this world who thinks as I do. That there are other people in the world who believe only in love, and spreading that love onto others. Knowing that there are no boundaries, no feelings of hate, anger, revenge.

There is just love. I believe in that. That is my religion.

I may not care to have people around me. But I do care whether there are others who think like me. I don't care to know them, I just care that they exist and that's enough for me.

I'm not angry at my mother for thinking the way she does. Maybe it's fear or ignorance that keeps her from really venturing out, but her religion provides her comfort and I love her enough to let her stay there. She just worries, and says how our faith is not all that strong.

I can't claim to know what she means by "our faith", so I can't say she's wrong. But when it comes to my faith? She's dead wrong on that one because I know it's strong. It is solid. No amount of books can make me think differently. They can't make my faith waver in strength. What the books do, is just let me learn and understand.

That's something that I want too. Just to understand. How can that really be a sin? How is wanting to understand the bigger world a bad thing? Perhaps this book doesn't talk about love. Perhaps all it really talks about is complete lack of God's presence anywhere. Or it could be the other way around.

I don't ultimately care. Because it's just one of many books that I read. My books are my world, but it doesn't mean they're the law that I follow to live my life. If I don't let the frickin' holy book be that, why should I let this one?

Exactly.

Join the IMPACT

2008-11-15T01:18:00.006Z

This is why I can never really give up on people. Because despite the gargantuan amount of people that let you down (Prop 8), there is another gargantuan amount that'll bring you back up.
... And also this is why I kind of heart the US. Namely, their First Amendment.

Nobody realises how amazing it is, to actually have that freedom. You can try to understand what it feels like, but you'll never really know. Not until you've been there. Not until you know what it feels like to be told, "You're not allowed to say that," or "You're not allowed here", "You're a freak", and have your whole world be oppressed and threatened on a daily basis. And I hope to whatever, that you will never know. Because it's a kind of world I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's a world infiltrated by hate, and it's an ugly world.

Sadly, I'm in a place where I can't help this cause and protest. Because I don't have that freedom. I don't have a hope that by being here, I ever will have that freedom.
But for those who do have that freedom, not just in the US, but anywhere else, do what you can and protest against hate. Today, on this National Day of Protest, you have the opportunity to make a change. Take it and use it.

Join the impact

You're my whole heart

2008-11-13T06:05:00.004Z

Dear you,

I miss you.

And god, I hate that I do. There's like this pull in my gut, a black hole inside of me. It prods and pushes like some sort of lion trying to get out. And I know it's because I'm not with you, wherever you are. But my mind tells me that I have no right to miss you. I let you go, so why should I? I'm the one who said that we'd be better off not being together, to make the pain more bearable. But either way, I still lose. Together or not, I'm still here, and you're still there.

I wonder what you're doing at night, whether you're thinking about me. And I know you tell me that you do. I believe that you do. A part of me wants to tell you to stop, that good part of me wants to tell you that it's best to not have any form of false hope. But that weaker part of me... Ironically keeps a strong-hold on me, keeping my mouth shut.

I remember days at a time when I didn't see you, and it didn't hurt so badly because I knew we would see each other again. It's because I don't know now if we would, it hurts.

I miss your friendship the most. I miss that when you look at me, you could tell when I'm feeling particularly down. You never say a word, you just hold my hand, squeezing to let me know that you're there. And it is in this time when I'm drowning in a sea of loss and confusion, it is this time that I need you the most.

I don't want you to do anything. I don't want you feeling guilty that I feel this way because you didn't make me feel this way. I don't want you trying to make some effort to call me, or write me back, or see me. This is just me, missing you. I just wanted you to know that. And that I still love you. Months have gone by, people have come and gone, I have loved others, but I still love you. I'm not asking you for anything, I'm not asking you to return that love back to me, or that you give me your heart, just that you read this, and know that I haven't forgotten you. And until the day comes when or if I do forget you, I will miss you. And I will love you.

That's all.

I want to see this: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2008-11-13T05:47:00.003Z

Official website: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Movie, IMDB site
Director: David Fincher
Cast: Brad Pitt (Benjamin Button), Cate Blanchett (Daisy), Tilda Swinton (Elizabeth Abbott)
Film info: "I was born under unusual circumstances." And so begins Benjamin Button, adapted from the classic 1920s story by F. Scott Fitzgerald about a man who is born in his eighties and ages backwards. A man, like any of us, unable to stop time. We follow his story set in New Orleans from the end of World War I in 1918, into the twenty-first century, following his journey that is as unusual as any man's life can be. Benjamin Button is a time traveller's tale of the people and places he bumps into along the way, the loves he loses and finds, the joys of life and the sadness of death, and what lasts beyond time.

Forget what you know what Brad Pitt from the media. Forget about his partner, Angelina Jolie, and how you think she's the hottest thing ever (I don't... But I do agree she's attractive anyway). Forget how you feel about Brad Pitt the man. When it comes to the acting thing, he's got it pretty solid.
And not to mention, Tilda Swinton and Cate Blanchett?
The White Witch and the Queen?
So there!

Release date: December 19, 2008

I want to see this: Cadillac Records

2008-11-12T01:38:00.006Z

Official website: Cadillac Records Movie, IMDB site
Director: Darnell Martin
Cast: Adrien Brody (Leonard Chess), Emmanuelle Chriqui (Revetta Chess), Jeffrey Wright (Muddy Waters), Columbus Short (Little Walter), Gabrielle Union (Geneva), Cedric the Entertainer (Big Willie Dixon), Eamonn Walker (Howlin' Wolf), Mos Def (Chuck Berry), Beyoncé Knowles (Etta James).
Film info: The story of how the blues became popular and gave birth to rock and roll begins at a dingy bar on the rough South Side of Chicago in 1947, where an ambitious young Polish émigré, bar owner Leonard Chess, hires a talented but undisciplined blues combo that includes quiet and thoughtful guitar prodigy Muddy Waters and impulsive and colourful harmonica player Little Walter. Fascinated by the sound of the music – and eager to cash in on the record burgeoning record business – Chess arranges a recording session for Waters. Waters’ early recordings start moving up the R+B charts and receiving heavy play.

Chess treats his musicians like family – he buys them a Cadillac when they record their first hit record – although the line between business and personal sometimes causes conflict with his increasingly talented and successful stable of artists. After backing up Muddy on his early recordings, Little Walter becomes a star in his own right, but his quick temper and loud manner often run him afoul of friends and the law. He also finds that the only woman he can talk to is Muddy’s girl, Geneva, who struggles to remain loyal despite Muddy’s poorly concealed affairs. Big Willie Dixon, a songwriter and bandleader, also is a key member of the Chess Records family, as is Howlin’ Wolf, an intense and proud blues singer who develops a musical rivalry with Muddy.

But it’s not until 1955 when a Chess artist finally “crosses over” into the realm of mainstream (“white”) America – a skinny guy from St. Louis named Chuck Berry, whose dynamic “duck walk” and catchy, country-tinged tunes mark the birth of rock-and-roll. When Berry is arrested and jailed at the height of his career, Chess finds another talented performer to cross over – singer Etta James, an emotionally scarred young woman whose vulnerability tempts Chess’ loyalty and concern in unexpected ways.

As rock-and-roll grows more popular, the Chess artists find themselves revered by a new generation of musicians, but they have also each earned and lost a small fortune on booze, women and the high life, and their addictions begin to take their toll. Even as tragedy befalls, their music and their spirit remain strong: as the sixties wind down and Leonard Chess gets out of the record business, the blues live on.

Etta James? Chuck Berry? Blues? Rock & Roll? Gabrielle Union? Adrien Brody? Beyonce Knowles as Etta James? Emmanuelle Chriqui?
... Emmanuelle Chriqui?
So there!

Release date: December 5, 2008

A question of love

2008-11-11T06:46:00.013Z

There's something that's been on my mind since I saw this video I saw online a couple of days ago. Jill Bennett was discussing gay marriage with her neighbour who was/is a McCain supporter and a prop. 8 supporter (his name escapes me).
I only watched the first video of that discussion so far, and what I got from that is that for him, marriage is a religious rite that people go through. But apparently, "civil unions" (if we ever somehow manage to get all the same benefits as marriages legally do) is a-okay with him.
So what, it's just the word "marriage" that irks people?

Maybe it's just me but I always thought marriage is more of a question of love, rather than a question of religion. I mean, I know I'm not stupid in thinking that nowadays people do get married outside their religion, right? How can you decide which religion to follow? Is it because one religion is more superior than the other one? How do you even decide that?
And I know that most of my friends that don't want to get married, just think of it as a piece of legal document. Like I do. But I do recognize that marriage can be about love too. To me, it's not the highest point for love, because there is no highest point when it comes to love. Just that there is love, and it's all that really matters.

Yesterday, Keith Olbermann in his Special Comment, delivered one of the most powerful speeches, for gay marriage, but really, more importantly, for love. And it makes me cry, sort of with joy, because there is somebody, a straight somebody, who understands, who sees, what it is that we want. That we just want the chance to love whom we love. We're not here to "turn" people or make people be like us, or take anything away from them. We're just here, as they are, as you are. To love.

(Transcript, just in case)
K.O.: Finally tonight, as promised, a special comment on the passage last week, of Proposition 8 in California, which rescinded the right of same-sex couples to marry and tilted the balance on this issue from coast to coast. Some perimeters as prefaced, this isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics, and this isn't really just about Prop. 8. And I don't have a personal investment in this. I'm not gay, I had to strain to think of one member of even my very extended family who is, I have no personal stories of close friends or colleagues fighting prejudices that still pervades their lives. And yet to me, this vote is horrible. Horrible. Because this isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics. This is about the human heart. And if that sounds corny, so be it.

If you voted for this proposition, or you support those who did or the sentiment they express, I have some questions, because truly, I do not understand. Why does this matter to you? What is it to you? In a time of impermanence and fly-by night relationships, these people over here want the same chance at permanence and happiness that is your option. They don't want to deny you yours. They don't want to take anything from you. They want what you want, a chance to be a little less alone in the world. Only now you are saying to them, "No. You can't have it on these terms."
Maybe something similar, if they behave, if they don't cause too much trouble. You'll even give them all the same legal rights even as you are taking away the legal right which they already had. A world around them still anchored in love and marriage, and you're saying, "No, you can't marry." What if somebody passed a law saying you can't marry?

I keep hearing this term "redefining marriage". If this country hadn't redefined marriage, black people still couldn't marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal in 1967. 1967. The parents of the president-elect of the United States could not have married in nearly one-third of the states of the country, their son grew up to lead. What's worse than that, if this country had not "redefined marriage", some black people still couldn't marry other black people. It is one of the most overlooked, and cruelest parts of our sad history of slavery. Marriages were not legally recognized if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different, not "until death do you part", but "until death or distance do you part". Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized, you know, just like marriages today in California are not legally recognized if the people are gay.
And unaccountable in our history, are the number of men and women forced by society into marrying the opposite sex, in sham marriages or marriages of convenience or just marriages of not knowing. Centuries of men and women who have lived their lives in shame and unhappiness and who have to lie to themselves or to others, broken countless other lives of spouses and children, and all because we said, "A man could not marry another man," or "A woman could not marry another woman." The sanctity of marriage. How many marriages like that have there been? And how on earth do they increase the sanctity of marriage? Rather than render that term meaningless.

What is this to you? Nobody is asking you to embrace their expression of love. But don't you as human beings have to embrace that love? The world is barren enough. It is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us, all of us, to go forward. Your marriage only stands a 50-50 chance of lasting. No matter how much you feel, and how hard you work. And here are people overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance. And that work just for the hope of having that feeling.
With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against each other, for no good reason, this is what your religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all it's sadnesses, this is what your conscience tells you to do? With your knowledge that life with endless vigour seems to tilt the playing field in which we all live in favour of unhappiness and hate, this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honour your god, and the universal love you believe he represents, then spread happiness. This tiny, symbolic, symmetrical grain of happiness, share it with all those who seek it. Quote me anything from your religious leader, or book of choice, telling you to stand against this. And then tell me how you can believe both that statement and another statement and another one which reads only, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
You are asked now by your country, perhaps by your creator, to stand on one side or another. You're asked now to stand, not on a question of politics, not on a question of religion, not even on a question of gay or straight. You are asked now to stand on a question of love. All you need to do is stand and let the tiny ember of love meet it's own fate. You don't have to help it, you don't have to applaud it, you don't have to fight for it, just don't put it out, just don't extinguish it. Because while it may at first look like that love is between two people you don't know and you don't understand, and maybe you don't even wanna know, that love is in fact the ember of your love for your fellow person. Just because this is the only world we have, and the other guy counts too.

This is the second time I have found myself in ten days concluding by turning to, of all things, the closing plea for mercy by Clarence Darrow in a murder trial, but what he said fits, what is really at the heart of all this. He said, "I was reading last night of the aspiration of the old Persian poet, Omar Khayyam," this is what he told the judge, "it appealed to me as the highest that I can vision. I wish it was in my heart, I wish it were in the hearts of all:
So I be written in the book of love.
I do not care about that book above,
erase my name, or write it as you will,
so I be written, in the book of love."

Good night, and good luck.

Amen.

I want to see this: The Reader

2008-11-10T01:11:00.003Z

Official website: The Reader Movie, IMDB site
Director: Stephen Daldry
Cast: Ralph Fiennes (Older Michael), Kate Winslet (Hanna Schmitz), David Kross (Michael)
Film info: The Reader opens in post-WWII Germany when teenager Michael Berg becomes ill and is helped home by Hanna, a stranger twice his age. Michael recovers from scarlet fever and seeks out Hanna to thank her. The two are quickly drawn into a passionate but secretive affair.

Michael discovers that Hanna loves being read to and their physical relationship deepens. Hanna is enthralled as Michael reads to her from “The Odyssey”, "Huck Finn", and “The Lady with the Little Dog.” Despite their intense bond, Hanna mysteriously disappears one day and Michael is left confused and heartbroken.

Eight years later, while Michael is a law student observing the Nazi war crime trials, he is stunned to find Hanna back in his life – this time as a defendant in the courtroom. As Hanna’s past is revealed, Michael uncovers a deep secret that will impact both of their lives. The Reader is a haunting story about truth and reconciliation, about how one generation comes to terms with the crimes of another.

I know I said that I love books, but definitely not to that degree. Well, okay, maybe for some books. I love Kate Winslet, and Ralph Fiennes is always a pretty good watch. Couple them with the fact that it's set in post-wartime, it sounds like it should be good. I'm definitely going to look out for it when/if it comes out here.

Release date: January 9, 2009

I want to see this: Twilight

2008-11-07T07:34:00.005Z

Official website: Twilight Movie, IMDB site
Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Cast: Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan), Sarah Clarke (Renee), Billy Burke (Charlie Swan), Robert Pattinson (Edward Cullen), Nikki Reed (Rosalie Cullen), Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen), Taylor Lautner (Jacob Black)
Film info: Twilight is an action-packed, modern day love story between a vampire and a human. Bella Swan has always been a little bit different, never caring about fitting in with the trendy girls at her Phoenix high school. When her mother remarries and sends Bella to live with her father in the rainy little town of Forks, Washington, she doesn't expect much of anything to change. Then she meets the mysterious and dazzlingly beautiful Edward Cullen, a boy unlike any she's ever met. Intelligent and witty, he sees straight into her soul. Soon, Bella and Edward are swept up in a passionate and decidedly unorthodox romance. Edward can run faster than a mountain lion, he can stop a moving car with his bare hands – and he hasn't aged since 1918. Like all vampires, he's immortal. But he doesn't have fangs, and he doesn't drink human blood; Edward and his family are unique among vampires in their lifestyle choice. To Edward, Bella is that thing he has waited 90 years for – a soul mate. But the closer they get, the more Edward must struggle to resist the primal pull of her scent, which could send him into an uncontrollable frenzy. But what will Edward & Bella do when James, Laurent and Victoria, the Cullens' mortal vampire enemies, come to town, looking for her?

I'm a little late posting this since I've been wanting to see this since I read the book (last year) and this movie is being released near to the end of this month. I'm not much of a fan for any of the books, because I really don't like Edward. Or Jacob for that matter.
... I liked Alice. And Bella, when she was being stupid and careless with her motorcycle and her cliff-diving thing. And Rose wasn't too awful.
Okay, I like all the three girls. Whatever. You would too if you saw them!

Release date: November 21, 2008

(and yes, if you've noticed, I'm trying to make this section of the blog almost daily because really, I'm never out of movies to see)

Effing A

2008-11-07T06:41:00.002Z

I'm the type of person who really doesn't care for much. I don't care what your last name is. I don't care what your dad does. I don't care what your mum does. I don't care what your siblings do. I don't even care what you do. Why don't people get that?
I don't care where you're from, or where you're going. Sure, I don't mind knowing these things, but they're not my priority. My priority is just knowing who you are, as I see you at that exact moment.

You won't find me asking any of these things. Okay, maybe "I don't care" is too harsh a phrase. More like, it wouldn't really make much of a difference in my life for me if I did know. You can be King/Queen of the world, but I'd still treat you the same.
No, I get it. There's etiquette and manners, and I respect them. And I'll bow and curtsey, and call you "Sir/Ma'am", and whatever the hell that is required of me. But it doesn't mean I'll respect you. Not unless I think that there's something that calls for it. And not because other people think that there should be.

So I repeat myself, why don't people get that?

I want to see this: Fanboys

2008-11-06T02:47:00.003Z

Official website: Fanboys The Movie, MySpace Page, IMDB site
Director: Kyle Newman
Cast: Chris Marquette (Linus), Sam Huntington (Eric), Dan Fogler (Hutch), Jay Baruchel (Windows), Kristen Bell (Zoe)
Film info: It's 1998 and Star Wars fanboys across the globe eagerly await the release of Episode I. But for Eric, Linus, Hutch and Windows the term "fanboy" is more than just a title, it's a badge of honor. Spurred by impatience and an undying loyalty to their cause, these former high school friends reunite to undertake the road trip of their fan-tasies. Traveling West across the country to visit their Mecca - George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch - the plan is to break in, steal the film and stake their claim as the first fanboys in history to watch it. But to secure their place in the fanboy hall of fame, they'll have to contend with bizarre bikers, a crazy pimp, a deranged group of trekkies and the quiet intensity of William Shatner.

Five reasons why I want to see this:
1. Kristen Bell
2. Kristen Bell
3. Kristen Bell
4. Geeks (I'm 25% Geek y'know!)
5. Kristen Bell

I heard about this movie so long ago, maybe a couple of years now? I just remember them talking about the movie way back when and now, official release, yay! Kristen Bell! I mean, helloooooooooo.

Exactly.

Release date: February 6, 2009

Sick.

2008-11-06T01:47:00.004Z

Last night, Ashley's grandmother called me. In tears.
Happy about one thing (Obama, duh), and upset about another (Prop. 8 got through). And last night, she was more feeling the upset from the latter. A pass on Amendment 2 in Florida. There isn't much that could get Elly to cry like that, so it hurt alot to hear that.
So I cried with her. Because even though, I know this is just one small setback and it won't stop us from fighting for equality, it's a setback that hurts. And it's upsetting anyway, having to listen to somebody you care about, cry for you.

Ashley was okay though. She didn't really have any expectations for what was going to happen. So she was less disappointed in the results than Elly was/is. I told her that they should just move to Canada instead of Reno, lol.

I'm too tired and sick to blog too long about yesterday. I really was pretty much glued to the TV going between CNN and BBC, lol. Obama's speech was very hopeful, and you can see that hope reflected in everybody's eyes. And McCain was cool, you have to respect a man who accepts his defeat in a very gracious way as he did.
But I really was just waiting to hear the news about Prop. 8 and I cried when I first saw the results in the beginning because it just wasn't looking good at all. And time went on and on, it still didn't look good. It's sad, but we can just take a leaf out of McCain's book, and keep on trucking. Though in this case, it's not really the "better" man that won, is it?

Freedom
Freedom is seldom found
By beating someone to the ground
Telling them how everything is gonna be now

Don't wanna be a martyr in this war
Don't wanna hear the same excuses anymore
That everything's a threat
And it's only gonna get worse if we let it
- Amos Lee

Grey's Anatomy spoilers: Not two but NONE

2008-11-04T03:26:00.004Z

You may recall that I posted a couple of blogs about the leap that Grey's Anatomy has gone into exploring the gayness. With Erica, Callie and Melissa George's character, Sadie. Three of the gayness. Well now, there is no gayness. Whatsoever. None.

I hate to say that we're used to it, being let down by networks and such about revealing gay storylines. But we kind of are.
I get that ABC is a family network, I do. But seriously, this blows.

I didn't really warm up to Erica Hahn, to be honest. I get that she's a great cardiothoracic surgeon, and she's got a bite and a bark to her. But there was not much else to her. Apart from when she's with Callie, she never seemed to get to that point where I can feel for her and generally like her. Until last week's episode that is, when she realised how completely gay she really is. I still don't like her, but this storyline made her more real to me. Her speech about how Callie is glasses, I connected with that. And just letting her go without so much as a warning, it's a very douchey thing to do.

The reason the network is letting Brooke Smith go, is because they don't like her (Erica, not Brooke I assume). Oh and also because of the explicit direction that Callica was taking. I find it funny that they think it's explicit, when the girls were wearing nightgowns after they had sex, but when Callie and Mark just had sex, you can pretty much assume they're wearing nothing underneath the sheets. And all that talk about "south of the border" or whatever, that's explicit? Seriously? Stupid double standards.

So now, no more of the gay. Apparently, Sadie does flirt with Callie a little bit, but nothing more. But then, that might be written out too for all we know.
Kinda funny that we're losing all the gay when it's sweeps month. That's when the gay is supposed to come out.

I want to see this: Angels & Demons

2008-11-03T02:54:00.004Z

Official website: Angels & Demons, IMDB site.
Director: Ron Howard
Cast: Tom Hanks (Robert Langdon), Ayelet Zurer (Vittoria Vetra), Ewan McGregor (Carlo Ventresca)
Film info: The team behind the global phenomenon The Da Vinci Code returns for the highly anticipated Angels & Demons, based upon the bestselling novel by Dan Brown. Tom Hanks reprises his role as Harvard religious expert Robert Langdon, who once again finds that forces with ancient roots are willing to stop at nothing, even murder, to advance their goals. Ron Howard again directs the film. When Langdon discovers evidence of the resurgence of an ancient secret brotherhood known as the Illuminati -- the most powerful underground organization in history -- he also faces a deadly threat to the existence of the secret organization's most despised enemy: the Catholic Church.

When Langdon learns that the clock is ticking on an unstoppable Illuminati time bomb, he jets to Rome, where he joins forces with Vittoria Vetra, a beautiful and enigmatic Italian scientist. Embarking on a nonstop, action-packed hunt through sealed crypts, dangerous catacombs, deserted cathedrals, and even to the heart of the most secretive vault on earth, Langdon and Vetra will follow a 400-year-old trail of ancient symbols that mark the Vatican's only hope for survival.

Read the book. Kinda liked it more than the Da Vinci Code. Kinda looking forward to it. Kinda wishing it was going to be released this year, rather than next.
Oh, Ayelet Zurer, *high-pitched voice* hawtttieeeeee!

Release date: May 15, 2009

November 4th tomorrow. How will you vote?

2008-11-03T02:40:00.010Z

I will most likely be glued to the TV or on my laptop, just trying to keep updated on what will be going on tomorrow. I'm more nervous about the votes against Prop. 8. The fact that it has even come up at all for them to vote against it, it saddens me. And I've always been the person who doesn't really care to get married because it's enough for me to be with the person I love. Not that if she wanted to, I would say no either. Just that I'm indifferent to the idea of marriage, I guess. Prop 8 makes me sad, because it must have been a sad day for love when it was announced. I don't care about the financial implications, or whatever other things that's supposed to come with a marriage, legal-wise (because it's not like I can vote on it). But I do care about what it means, love-wise.
And yes, marriage is probably just another legal document that you don't really need in your life because it's just an announcement to the law, and to the world. It shouldn't have to matter whether the world knows or cares that you're in love and married. But unfortunately in this world, it does matter. And that upsets me.

I hate to ask that question: Why does it matter who we love? Why should it matter to God, of all divinities? Wouldn't He/She/They/It prefer it that we just love at all? Because isn't that supposed to be the most important thing in the world, that we love.

Sometimes I don't know if people realise or if they even understand just how beautiful and world-changing love really is. What it's supposed to mean for us, it just got lost in all this stupid bullshit about religion, fear of what isn't apparently "normal".
Because that's not how it should be. We are supposed to love ourselves, and so spread on that love to others. Love isn't exclusive to just people who love/fear god. I want to say that people who are for Prop. 8, don't know what love is. But I won't because they probably do know. They probably know what it is to love. That just means they don't know how to love truly. Love is pure. We love whom we love, we can't choose that. And people saying that we can choose who we love, are idiots.
We can choose who to be with, not who we love.
Idiots.

Prop. 8 is hatred, fear and ignorance disguised as a legal document. Prop. 8 taints love. That is all there is to it.

And no, you know what? I don't hate the people who are for Prop. 8. I just feel sorry for them. You may love your family, you may love your country, you may even love god. You may even be the nicest person in the world. But the love you give isn't pure because it's limited, and that is not what love is supposed to be. It isn't love at all.

I can't apologise for going on about this as much as I have. And I won't. Even though I can't vote on this, doesn't mean it's something I won't take notice of. I may not be a citizen of "these" United States, but I am a citizen of the world. I may not be politically-savvy, or even culturally-savvy, but I know at least, that whatever happens there, whether we like it or not, whether we believe it or not, it will affect us all. And that makes me care.

Grey's Anatomy spoiler: Laaaaaaaaaaaaaame raspberry

2008-10-21T18:57:00.005+01:00

So it's a most definite no on the bisexual intern having any kind of romantic "history" with Meredith. From the official info calls her, "one of Meredith's oldest friends".
Lame.
But better I know now, than later on. I'll have time to process this rather LAME news.
Yes, I'm disappointed. Duh.

On the other hand, I forgot to mention where I remembered Melissa George from. She's the Hot Nanny from FRIENDS. The Hot Gay Nanny. What, there aren't many other actors who are willing to do gay that we're just getting recycled characters from other TV shows?

She's apparently supposed to be "groomed" to be a potential love interest for Callie or Erica. So there's the drama, I guess. Three bisexual ladies.
Wow.
I'm so not turned on by that. That's how annoyed I am, lol.

It's also annoying because she and Meredith look hot together in the spoiler photos. Even if McDouchey was right next to her.

... Bollocks.

I want to see this: The Guitar

2008-10-17T02:21:00.004+01:00

Official website: The Guitar, IMDB site.
Director: Amy Redford
Cast: Saffron Burrows (Melody), Isaach De Bankolé (Rascoe Wasz), Paz De La Huerta (Cookie)
Film info: One morning Mel, a mousy, harried New Yorker with a thankless job and an even-less-appealing boyfriend learns that the tumor in her throat is cancerous and the diagnosis is terminal. She then hears that both her job and her relationship are coming to an end. Rather than wallowing in self-pity, she embarks on an endless spending spree, the kind of self-indulgent wish fulfillment that we have all fantasized about.

The Guitar is inspired by a true story. Overflowing with an energy and vitality that belies the initial darkness of its narrative, The Guitar is a transcendent respite from the turmoil of our troubled times.

Stories like these always sound so compelling to watch. Having to bear witness a person going through such obviously hard times, and then deciding to just live those moments doing what they have always wanted to do. I love watching these kinds of movies, because they make me sad. They make me sad because why does it have to take death for anybody to do anything? To live their life as they want to? To say the things they've always wanted to say? To appreciate what they have? Death is a certainty as nobody is exempt from facing it, but most are too scared to even think of it. That's why it's sad.
And that's why I want to see this. I want to see somebody who isn't afraid.

Release date: 7 November 2008 (Limited Release - which means I'll just have to catch it on DVD as per usual)

Grey's Anatomy spoiler: Not one but TWO

2008-10-17T01:56:00.009+01:00

Here's a spoiler for you Grey's fans, and I'm only writing this because, it's the funniest thing I've heard. And believe me when I say I need the laugh when it comes to Grey's because seriously.

So, we know that there has been talk about bisexual interns coming into the fore. What's with the emergence of bisexual doctors huh? First there's House, now Grey's? Obviously Grey's is trying harder, what with two bisexual interns, and then there's the whole, Callie and Erica thing. So that's four really. That's a whole lot of gay. Actually no, that's a whole lot of bi, because apparently nobody wants to make a leap into the gay. Don't give me some butt-crack about making them bi because then it would lead to more drama. There's more than enough drama in the gay, believe me.
(Please have the brains to know I'm not being derogatory. While I am glad that there are more queer characters on TV, it would just be nice if they actually tried making one honest-to-goodness gay and it becoming a successful attempt. Cashmere Mafia was a complete bust, South of Nowhere AND The L Word are on their way out. There's nothing else. And bi just seems like a fucking cop-out. And these are my views on exposure in television, not in real life.)

Both interns also happen to be female. One somebody we know (and most really disliked) from The L Word.
... You want a clue?
"Circles."
And that's all you're going to get.

The other intern, is actor Melissa George, and her character is the one that's being discussed right now, I guess. Mainly because Entertainment Weekly has said that Melissa's character has some history with one of the residents.
... Namely, Meredith.

*laughs hysterically*

Now I know people will think that they hooked up, considering, well, it's Meredith. It's practically possible since she did sleep with McDouchey while severely intoxicated. So it's very possible that she slept with a girl and didn't really realise the lady parts until the next morning. But the keyword here is "history". What kind of history? Like, sordid? Is Meredith the girl that got away? Did Melissa break Meredith's heart? That sort of thing. I'd rather not hear the word "history" and have it turn out to be "Oh, we just slept together one night." Or even worse, "We made out when we were sorority sisters in college."
I'd seriously just switch off my lap-top if that is going to be the case.

And I admit it will totally make my fan-girl dreams come true. (Because in my fan-girl dreams, Meredith and Addison had the hots for each other) But I don't want jump the gun either and get too excited over it. Ausellio does say "Holy Lipstick Lesbians" but really, that doesn't exactly sway me. Plus I just know Derek is going to be his douchey self about it. That's him thinking he's being charming and funny, when he's really not (basically, the way he is, all the time). Trying to find out their history without seeming too interested in it. Because really, what person wouldn't want to know the details of their current's history with their alleged ex? Especially when the ex is totally hotter than them.
Yes I'm gayased and I don't care.

I don't know what purpose Melissa's character will be for Meredith, or even the rest of the cast. I just hope there is something more than just some gratuitous girl-on-girl thing. But that might be a little too much to hope for from television.

I want to see this: Sunshine Cleaning

2008-10-14T03:06:00.005+01:00

Official website: No official website yet, IMDB Site
Director: Christine Jeffs
Cast: Amy Adams (Rose Lorkowski), Emily Blunt (Norah Lorkowski), Alan Arkin (Joe)
Film info: Rose Lorkorswki, a former high school cheerleader and now a thirty-something maid, is trying to create a better life for herself and eccentric eight-year-old son Oscar. Her burn-out younger sister Norah still lives at home with their father Joe, who's on the latest of a life-long string of get-rich-quick schemes. When Rose learns of the big money to be made in the crime scene cleaning and bio-hazard removal business, she and Norah partner up to create their own company, Sunshine Cleaning.

Did you ever see Little Miss Sunshine? I saw LMS on DVD some time last year, and I found it heartwarming, smart, funny in that dark way that I love. It's one of those movies that you just have to see, or you'd be missing out on something spectacular. And just seeing the trailer for Sunshine Cleaning, I think I might just love this one too. You definitely cannot go wrong with Emily Blunt and Amy Adams. Just seeing Emily makes me realise how she doesn't look like Jessica Stroup as I had thought. I think it's just the pale, dark-haired beauty thing they have going, lol.

I love movies that have sisters as the main characters. I like watching how sisters interact with each other. How they get on each other's nerves, just to find out where the limit is. Then going beyond that limit, and they're left wondering whether they could fix it again. It can always be fixed because there is no better friend than your own sister. No matter what happens between you, there will never be a lack of support or love between you.
Not that that's what is going to happen in the movie, lol. I'm just saying.

Release Date: TBA 2009

I'm listening to: Rachael Yamagata (yep, still)

2008-10-13T07:14:00.004+01:00

I realise that I've been posting long blogs... And I haven't posted any trailers of stuff I want to see. Mainly because I haven't really seen anything that I do want to see just yet. So I've mostly been keeping an ear out for any albums coming out, or going through discographies and discovering a completely new appreciation for an album or two.

So I've been listening to Rachael Yamagata's new album for about a week now. Non-stop. And I'm sure there will come a day when I will stop, but not right now.
Right now, I want to listen to these songs. I'm not completely sure which CD I prefer though. I think for the moment it's Elephants though. I'll probably get to Teeth later.
Ingrained Refrains posted this about the album, which is the most accurate I could find:
According to Rachael, her "record in two parts" is two halves that create a whole picture of the beauty and pain associated with complicated human relationships and unfortunately the often times subsequent collapse. "Elephants is much more intimate. It’s about being willing to take a risk even if it’s not going to end up well. Teeth is like rediscovering your backbone after you’ve gone through the loss."

It's like, you listen to her voice, and these achingly beautiful words that come out. You hear those words and that feeling of loneliness fades away because we remember that there is somebody else in the world who hurts just like us. That feeling that nobody knows or understands what it is to hurt, it dies. This is heartbreak, and it's beautiful. This is love, and it's ecstasy. And we all feel it.

I'll just post some lyrics that I and hopefully, everybody else can relate to them too.

Elephants
If the elephants have past lives, yet are destined to always remember,
it's no wonder how they scream,
like you and I, they must have some temper.
And I am dreaming of them on the plains, dirtying up their beds,
watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads.
And how dare that you send me that card, when I'm doing all that I can do.
You are forcing me to remember, when all I want is to just forget you.

What If I Leave
So I grow up longing for another
With the windy city left behind to my lover
Will you ever know the way I cry?
You were gone that day so you may have missed
my goodbye

Sunday Afternoon
It's not about geography or happenstance
you need to fly and take a chance
you don't need to soar to emptiness
or float on high and forever dance alone
you're scared, scared, scared
cause I feel like home

I'm not gonna live for you or die for you
won't do anything anymore for you
'cause you leave me here on the other side

I'm not gonna shed one more tear for you
at least not til Sunday afternoon

Horizon
The last time I laid my eyes upon you
You were blowing kisses
I was waiting in the car

Something had died, yet
Everything around kept turning
Don’t even know where you are

And if I did teach you anything at all
I hope that you learned how to love
But I doubt if I'll ever talk to you, I don’t know

Somewhere along the line we lost our horizon,
I’ve been looking ‘round, up and down
To no avail, no avail

The Only Fault
If I can make you stay
Convince you you'd be lost
if we were torn apart,
If it remained unclear
Between the two of us
Which one would be the one
To break the other's heart.

Hold on, this will floor me.
Differently than any drug that's washed me into sleep.
It's true, the only fault I'll take from you
Is how to run from what you wish to keep.

Adieu

2008-10-11T05:06:00.004+01:00

So, I've avoided blogging about this for a very, very long time. Just because it's something I definitely did not want to face, and I can admit that. It's so sad to see the end of something you've loved for more than two years. Well, it's frickin' painful. But the end is like, totally nigh, so I have to talk about it, just to prepare for it.

The end of South of Nowhere.

What. It is sad. Come on.

This show may not have the best writing, the best acting, but what makes up for it are the actors themselves, and the characters they play. Their story.

I knew that the first moment I saw the show, after my sister gave me the DVDs that her friend made for her (Thank you to sister's friend), I just knew I would be hooked. I didn't know what it was going to be about. Or my sister might have told me, and I wasn't listening, lol. But I watched it... The whole first season, I think, and god, I was so hooked, I went looking for the fan forum. The last time I did that, was for Evanescence and that was years before that.
... I just love this show that much.

I think I can safely say it is the only TV show where the main character is gay, trying to discover that part of herself, and trying to come to terms with it.
I cannot even begin to describe just what a god-send this show was/is.

So let's talk about some characters.

Starting with Spencer. Beautiful, blonde, blue-eyed Spencer Carlin. A girl with the biggest heart. I grew to love her over the second season. So I admit, I was slow to hop on that Spencer-love train because I was very stuck on the Ashley-lust train (and I so know I'm not the only one). Maybe it was because I saw a lot of myself in Spencer. Struggling between wanting to be true to myself, and not wanting to rock that boat. Struggling with a love that would threaten her losing her family that she does love with her whole heart. That was season one.
In season two, we saw her deal with wanting to come out, then coming out in the most frightening scenarios any of us could ever face, and then dealing with it. She was steadfast, knowing who she is, and who she loves, while her family (mainly her mother) tries to catch up with her and deal with it too. I guess that's the thing some of us forget when we come out, we've had more than ample time dealing with being gay, but our family haven't. And we get disappointed that they don't react the right way.
Season three, we're seeing Spencer, coming into her own. Exploring this side of herself, with girls other than Ashley, as much as it pained me to say. But it needed to be done. Spencer needed to know who she is, and love who she is, before she can love anybody else.

Then there's Ashley. Hot, wild, sexy, complicated, brunette, brown-eyed Ashley Davies. Seriously, there's no getting off that Ashley-lust train (well, there's getting off, but... oh you know what I mean!). The girl just keeps getting hotter and hotter with each season. She's that girl we want to take care of, but we know that we shouldn't get ourselves tangled in that beautiful mess. There were few struggles that she went through that I knew personally, one being that everything good we had in life, was going to be taken away; and learning how to overcome that. Sometimes failing at it which explains why she does the come here-go away routine with Spencer. Only other thing strong as love, is fear. And we can't fault her for her fears, we all have them.
And there was one struggle that I knew well, and that was how to love someone the way they deserve. Because I think we can pretty much agree that Ashley might have just been sort of the most non-committal girlfriend that I've ever seen. It's nothing to do with their lack of touches or kisses. But more to do with the way she acted with Spencer. Like sometimes (or rather most times) she took her for granted. She knew that she loved Spencer, but Aiden was kind of a huge block in loving Spencer completely.

Which brings me to Aiden. Now, after hating on his character for hours/days/weeks/months on end, we remember that Aiden is just another human being, who thought he was still in love with his first. Who thought she was still in love with him. I mean really, who of us never thought that at one point in our life? Sure, he was annoying and stupid for thinking it and actually acting upon it, but doesn't make it any less real to him. I think Aiden's somewhat of a misguided romantic, who really doesn't know what he wants, and how to deal.
(Plus, his storyline of getting shot, and then how he "should have died"... That was a storyline that has been flogged to death. We get it, he "should have died". There's nothing less attractive than somebody who just can't let something go.)

Next, Paula Carlin. *sigh* Mama Carlin. So conflicted between the love for her children and the duty to her God. And yes, I worded that intentionally. Fear hit her hard when she caught Spencer and Ashley together. What mother wouldn't react like that seeing her baby with anybody, just about to do the dirty? Not to mention the fact that she was probably already reeling from Glen's "drug addiction". I guess it's a classic story about how a mother and her daughter lose their connection, and try so hard to find a way back, but something always hinders it. Y'know, like religion. Nothing should stop love from finding it's way to anybody. Not even anybody's so-called religion.
But still, Paula is real. She is our mother. And the way she reacts to Spencer, we either have experienced it, or are imagining it to happen that way. It takes her awhile to realise that Spencer is still Spencer, just more at ease with herself. We can only hope that our Paula would come around, even if it is slow, but at least Paula does come around eventually.

I would have loved nothing more than to see South of Nowhere go further, just to see where these characters would be in a few years.

As I've mentioned that the thing I love most about this show, apart from the characters, are the actors. Gabrielle Christian, Mandy Musgrave, Maeve Quinlan, Matt Cohen. From every interview I've read and watched, they are the most accessible actors I've ever known. With their myspace pages, or fan websites, then the stories we hear about fans meeting them, they have always come out as really friendly and so welcoming.
Of course as time goes by, and the more famous they become, they dump their myspace page because of the creepies and crawlies around, and we can't fault them for that. Because really, if I had a creepy lurking around, I'd dump my myspace page like hot coal in my hand.
But despite all that, it doesn't stop them from reaching out to their fans. And they get my utmost respect for doing that. And the "Honorary Lesbian" title too, lol.

Tonight, the 11th October (National Coming Out Day, ironically enough), they'll be premiering the second half of the third season (Season 3B), and this will be it. There'll be no more Ashley and Spencer. No more Mama Carlin. No more dorky Glen and cool Chelsea. No more adorkable Kyla.
South of Nowhere may be ending, but the legacy they'll leave behind, that will live on for years to come. More gay-friendly shows might be shown on TV, or more gay-friendly movies will be released in theatres worldwide, but to have a gay character as the lead in a mostly heterosexual setting, it's still a pretty life-changing thing.

I'm grateful for the show's existence. For Tom Lynch coming up with the idea of the show. For Tom Lynch's friend's son who asked a question that made Tom come up with the idea of the show. For Gabrielle, Mandy and Maeve for bringing Spencer, Ashley and Paula to life.
I'm grateful for Spencer, and the journey she took, discovering her sexuality. For Ashley, and her own journey, discovering how to love herself, and in turn love Spencer. For Paula, learning that in the grand scheme of things, the sex of the person you love doesn't change who you are, that love is what truly matters.
... And I'm grateful for the overwhelming hotness that is the women in South of Nowhere.
Amen.

The-N has been showing special clips of interviews with the actors, and there was a recent promo, 'Time To Say Goodbye'.

... I don't think I can.
Thank god they're finally releasing DVD box-sets.

Goodbye South of Nowhere, and everybody in it. You shall be missed. And I look forward to seeing everyone in their future projects, whatever they are.

Arms of a Woman
I am at ease in the arms of a woman
Although now, most of my days are spent alone
A thousand miles from the place I was born
But when she wakes me, she takes me back home
- Amos Lee

The Secret House

2008-10-08T16:59:00.004+01:00

In the beginning of the summer of 2006, I went on a week-long holiday with my friends. A summer holiday that had by then become tradition for us. We'd pick a destination, book a house, find some house-mates that would help pay for the week, find out more about the place, then we'd go. By train. Sometimes the journey could take up between five hours to almost a whole day. It's definitely an experience in itself, going on the train, halfway across the country. Or even all the way across the country.

In that summer, we went to this small place called the Duns. And when I say small, I mean small. Like, one day, we took a guided tour of the town and finished before the end of the day. We would have finished earlier if we hadn't been distracted by the kids' playground.

This was my favourite holiday out of all the ones we took, and by 2006, we had taken a few.
Maybe it was the house where we stayed. It was called The Secret House. A magical name for a beautiful house. And it is beautiful. I remember sitting on the benches outside at the end of the day, and watching the sun set. Or even the beginning of the day when the sun is up high in the sky. I sat there sometimes for almost an hour (well, I couldn't really stay for too long... My friends would have heckled me to death), sometimes smoking, sometimes just listening to my music. I think I was listening to a lot of The Fray at the time.
My uncle had just passed away a couple of months before, but because I had exams during that time, and got caught up in so many things after that, I didn't really get the chance to process that. Believe me when there was a lot of processing done during those alone times.

Maybe it was the people. The only other time I had ever met such friendly people was when we were in Edinburgh. But these people, wow. They walk and hang out like they have all the time in the world, and it shows in how they are with others. So laid-back and free. Or perhaps the warm summer weather had something to do with that too. Whatever the case, they were part of what made the holiday so pleasant.

Maybe it was just the place itself. As per usual in our holidays, we did a lot of walking. There was this one day we took a walk up to somewhere I can't even remember. But we were walking up, and we got to this point where there's a fence and there was only one thing to do. We jumped it. Ran/walked very fast near to the end. We could see houses just laid out in front of us. So tiny, almost like they're a world away from us.

Or maybe it was just my friends being there with me. One of my best friends in the world, the only man I would ever trust with my life was there with me. And we celebrated his birthday. Drank drinks that looked like absinthe but tasted more like apples. Listened to horrendous pop songs that nobody should ever claim to own in their hard-drive. You can own it, but just don't claim to do so. But we laughed about it anyway.
These are my friends, the only people who never questioned me about who I am, or asked why I am. Complete unconditional acceptance. That's love not many people get to experience. And sure, they might not say it as much. They might even just act like complete pigs, making lesbian jokes at every opportunity they get. That's what they might come across as, but I know better. I know that's what friends are about. It's not all mushy all the time. Sometimes friends just love teasing you to hell about who you are, it doesn't mean they don't like you. Sometimes friends even tell you just how crappy and annoying you are, and it's because they love you that they do.
These are my friends.

"But what is the good of friendship if one cannot say exactly what one means? Anybody can say charming things and try to please and to flatter, but a true friend always says unpleasant things, and does not mind giving pain. Indeed, if he is a really true friend he prefers it, for he knows that then he is doing good."
- Oscar Wilde

Or maybe it is just all that. The house, the people, my friends. They made the experience sweet. And I was truly sad to leave when it finally came time to go back home. That was a true holiday. Where time went slow, the sun shines everyday (I think) and you move as you please. No pressure on you but just to live. And keep living. There's no chaos. There's just peace.
I knew then that was what I wanted all the time. That peace. That freedom. I wanted to take hold of it, and keep it inside me. But I knew it was another journey I had to take, to find the peace that is inside, and nurture it. It's always been there, I just needed to make it my own.
It is still a journey that I'm making, even to this very day.

"I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance. Then whenever doubt, anxiety, or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal and soon they'll forget my number."
- Edith Armstrong

"Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances."
- Mahatma Gandhi

"I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

We're going back to The Secret House next year. James has asked me, and there was no way I would say that I'm not able to make it. I'm going back there whether I have to spend all the money I have, or crawl/swim my way back there. Just another chance to see the sun set from the house, or climb to the top of wherever that was, just to see that other world again.
I wouldn't dream of missing it.

I'm listening to: Rachael Yamagata

2008-09-26T16:48:00.007+01:00

Rachael Yamagata is releasing a new album in a few days. YES! And if I had the energy I'd jump around, being all joyful.
... I'll jump around tomorrow.

I was just listening to her Loose Ends EP, and I went to my favourite music blog. That's how I found out about this. I'm so glad I found that blog when I did. It must have only been a few months ago and I was actually looking for the lyrics to this EP, and there was a blog, and I thought I'd check it out anyway. And it turned out to be a god-send, seriously. Everything I wanted to find out about artists I already liked is there. And then the artists I haven't heard of, I end up liking.
God-send, seriously.

I mean jeez, I actually paid money to buy a three-track EP that I probably could have just Limewired. But no, that's how much I love listening to her.
First song I heard was Reason Why, which actually to this day, continues to be a song I can never tire of listening.

There aren't many artists that can make me feel as I do when I'm listening to Rachael. I know that there are so many artists in the same genre, who maybe even sing better, or write better. But I guess the thing about Rachael just seems to be how... Raw she is. Like that frustration/sadness just never goes away for her. As if there is no way for her to escape it.
And the way her voice sometimes waver as she's singing. Makes me close my eyes and just feel this deep-seated ache inside that I can't help but want to sigh that pain away.

Answering The Door

And don't dare me down
Falling like leaves when they're trading
Some piece of sky for the ground
You catch your soul lifting away
so long but
If I could save you, boy
I'd do it a thousand, a thousand times
And maybe in time you will see
I've made up my mind
But I'm not answering the door
-Rachael Yamagata

What If I Leave
So I grow up longing for another
With the windy city left behind to my lover
Will you ever know the way I cry?
You were gone that day so you may have missed
my goodbye

Oh and sometimes in my dreams I hear you say,
"If you really care you won't go away"
- Rachael Yamagata

Sometimes listening to her, reminds me of when I'm listening to Jeff Buckley. Obviously they're two different artists. But I guess it's more because he has that kind of voice too, one that wavers as he goes on a note, but it doesn't sound bad, it just sounds so... Emotional. And as I've said before, raw. They both have voices that almost always makes whatever pain inside so much more pronounced.

People say it's depressing listening to them. Sure it's sad, the songs are sad, but it's just so beautiful, and sometimes I don't understand why people choose to miss out on that.
Sometimes.
I understand it's hard, having to listen and face certain things. It's just that damn hard. Like life is already hard enough, why listen to even more reasons to make it depressing?

I don't know why I love listening to these types of songs. My friends say it's because I'm a writer, so I'm just bound to angst, no matter what. Even though you know me well, angst isn't really much for part of my life anymore. But I do channel it in my work though. My writing. And it works enough for me. And I guess listening to these songs do help me.
... Like they're my muse.

I Never Asked To Be Your Mountain
As I die I cant remember
Where I saw the rain:
Could it be that her laughter
Drove me down again?
Charming dancer will you stop,
Stop and talk to me?
Is there someone else you feel
In your dreams? you will, you see:
In midnight gazes
Ive found you far from me
If you lead me on
Please leave me down
- Jeff Buckley

The Other Side
Every push of my feet in the sand
reminds me
together is not where we stand anymore
Every kiss to meet my hand
defines me
and opens a new door
To all the little lies
well, they call and they wait
and they comfort and save me from nothing
- Rachael Yamagata

You came like a thief in the night and stole my heart

2008-09-24T17:02:00.010+01:00

I finally managed to obtain Alphabeat's album, 'This Is Alphabeat', and ohmigod, I love it.
Talk about 80's throwback. I heard their song 'Fascination' some time last year, and then I was reading a friend's story, and she included their song '10,000 Nights' as part of her soundtrack, so I remembered them all over again.
Seriously, I totally challenge anybody to listen to their songs, and try not to get affected by it. Just try it. I dare you.

10.000 nights of thunder - Alphabeat

There are quite a few artists I'm listening to all over again, because all my music stuff is still in cargo and won't be around for awhile. So I thought I'd go back to my list of 'must-listen-to'. I finally got around to listening to Joshua Radin's new album 'Simple Times'. I think the first thing I heard from him was his cover of 'Girlfriend In A Coma'. So obviously I started looking into his own songs, and really, he ranks pretty high on my music-loves list.

Free of Me
You shelter from the rain
Turn around walk away
Go now and don’t look back
My life’s come off its tracks
And you should be
Free of me

I'd Rather Be With You
I could have saved so much time for us
Had I seen the way to get to where I am today
You waited on me for so long
So now, listen to me say

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you

That song makes me think of Ashley alot. But a lot of his songs, remind me of her anyway. Though I guess that's kind of expected since she was the one who told me about him, lol.

Special music mention goes to Tyrone Wells, with his album 'Hold On'.

Dream Like New York
How many times have you tried and failed?
Have you watched your dreams slip away?
Well every hero falls and every soldier crawls.
And every dreamer dreams again
Got to dream again

Go on and dream like New York
As high as the skylines
Aim for the stars above those city lights
Go on and dream like New York
Run on down Broadway
Catch the next train
Go make your way

Looking At Her Face
She watches the sunset slip out of sight
She points to the lilacs in bloom
Her eyes filled with wonder
And my eyes they do the same
Just looking at her face

Other stuff I've been listening to is the Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog soundtrack. I love soundtracks, especially when Joss Whedon is involved. I heard about a new Buffy soundtrack coming out, or it has already come out. I'm totally buying that. Okay, I'm buying it and getting it sent to my sister's place since it's just cheaper, lol. I should get around to buying the Once More With Feeling soundtrack too.

Check out these artists. No regrets, promise.
Ingrid Michaelson, Priscilla Ahn, Marc Broussard, Amanda Palmer, Lenka, Jenny Lewis.

Your halo's slipping down to choke you now

2008-09-21T17:46:00.006+01:00

I get to hear a lot of shit. I know that we all do. And we have that choice of whether to listen to it or not, and whether to react or not. And it's not even to say that I don't say a lot of shit either. I know I most likely do. It happens, and my friends have never told me to shut up, even though in my head, I'm completely wishing that they would.
I guess that as you go along in a friendship, you become accustomed to a certain pattern in the relationship. Like suddenly, there's a script that you just have to follow through to the very end. Though to be honest, this kind of applies to families too, but I'd rather not talk about that because I have a whole sackful of issues for that one. So let's just stick to friends.

I try not to stick myself and my friends to a certain pattern. That our friendship could be a lot of things, not just one or two. I like when I'm able to be completely myself with somebody and not have to worry that if/when I tell them to shut their ass up, they wouldn't take offense to it. Or if they get uncomfortable with the Spanish Inquisition, they'd change the subject. I loathe it when there is subject straying, especially when a serious topic is at hand. If you don't want to talk about it, then say so. I don't appreciate having to get myself so worked up and then suddenly there's a new subject in town?

I can appreciate when a friend feels free enough to say whatever is on their mind to me. Because they know I wouldn't judge. Well, I try my best not to. And it's not really a judging thing, but more of a personal matter where I just don't feel comfortable with what I'm hearing.
This is the problem. I may not be the most judgmental, but I'm very opinionated. And I try to be as impartial as I can with my opinions. There are just some things I don't think I could ever really support, or agree with. But I have no business in telling my friends that they can't say or do whatever it is they're saying/doing. Because even if I can see the many possibilities of everything going wrong, it is their own life, and it is therefore, their own mistakes to make. I'm really not that pessimistic. I try to see things from every angle, and see what can arise from taking any sort of action. This is why I don't plan, at all. The furthest I can really plan and have it come to fruition, is day planning.

So yeah, I hear a lot of crap from my own friends. Crap that shouldn't even come out of their mouths. Because sometimes I want to tell them, they might never have it so good again so they should seriously appreciate what they have, rather than focusing on what they don't. That they're stupid for letting something so small come in between them and the ones they love. That they should try to stop and actually think about the possible consequences, rather than just the scenarios that they want to happen. Because life is never the way you planned it. Hell, our lives were first and foremost, planned by our own parents, and I can almost assume that our lives are definitely not the way they planned.

I'm never going to be that friend who will tell you the things you want to hear. I'm conditioned to not ever do that. People may like hearing what they want to hear, but it never helps. I try to say what my friends need to hear, and it's almost always an unpleasant thing to say, especially to a friend. But that's the thing, whatever I end up saying to my friends, is just from my point of view. It's not the gospel truth. Not the complete gospel truth anyway. Only my own version of what is the truth.
Truth gets kind of filtered when it finally reaches our station, for the very reason that we just cannot bear the full brunt of it. Not all of the time anyway.

"The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is."
- Winston Churchill

I want to see this: Changeling

2008-09-13T04:09:00.003+01:00

Official website: No official site found (yet)
Director: Clint Eastwood
Cast: Angelina Jolie (Christine Collins), John Malkovich (Reverend Gustav Briegleb), Jeffrey Donovan (Captain J.J. Jones)
Film info: Based on a true story, Christine Collins’ (Jolie) prayers are met when her kidnapped son is returned. But amidst the frenzy of the photo-op reunion, she realizes this child is not hers. Facing corrupt police and a skeptical public, she desperately hunts for answers, only to be confronted by a truth that will change her forever.

Angelina Jolie, back in the mental institution. Seriously.
But, it does look pretty good. I prefer Angelina in these types of roles. Oscar-worthy maybe?

Release date: Late October 2008

So this is is how it's going to be

2008-09-13T03:19:00.006+01:00

Would You Please
Would you please let me slide a few words
Under your door
The first three say "I love you"
The last five "But I can't no more"
- Rachael Yamagata

Answering The Door
If I could save you girl, I’d do it a thousand times over
And finally some day you’d see that I meant you well
But I’m not answering the door
- Rachael Yamagata

Been dreaming about my ex again. Nothing grand or romantic or whatever. There was no talking, no doing anything. She was just there. It's still hard to see her face in front of me. And it's not because of how it hurt when we broke up. I've moved on from that. Well, my heart has moved on from that. But my ego/pride... Not so much.
It took awhile for me to realize that part of the reason I was so adamant about wanting to get back with her, was not because I was still in love with her. I realized that I wasn't at all. Sure, I loved her, but I didn't love her enough to warrant wanting to be with her. I wanted to get back with her because I felt sure that I could get it right the next time around. That I wouldn't fail this time.
And that's the thing.
If it's just about the ego/pride, then there's nothing to salvage. There is no point in resurrecting something that should have just stayed where it was. In the past. Love and pride got blurred in, and I didn't know what was what anymore.

The other reason why I was so adamant about it was because I was stuck. Stuck in a time of back then when we were in love. When I could feel her actually loving me back. And just stay there so that the time when she would stop, wouldn't come. But I couldn't make her love me, not again. If it's gone, it's gone. If it comes back, then so be it. We can't make other people love us, as much as we can't make ourselves love some people.

In our pain, we tend to forget about the person we claim we love. We forget that we're not the only ones going through this pain of losing somebody we loved. That's the thing most seem to forget when merging together as a couple, we forget about being friends too. I'm not saying that they have to be our best friend, though yeah it would be a cool bonus, but a friend all the same is still needed.
We drown ourselves in acting like a lover, that we forget how to act like a friend. We're not interested in the things we used to be interested in. We don't even ask the things we used to ask about. As soon as we get together, we're unintentionally destroying the love that was there. We're conflicted, like we don't know whether the "friend" should be coming out or the "lover". And it's sad, seeing relationships go down that way.

My ex and I were best friends before we got together. But I got lost in our chemistry, in that physical connection that I forgot about everything else. And by the time I remembered, it was too late. It had gone on for too long. She said that she hated me. I never thought that a moment like that would ever come. But it did, and I couldn't stop it from happening.
We tried to be friends again, and it worked out for awhile. And I guess if we were to see each other again, we'd still be friendly to each other. But anything before we were together got lost in the pain, anger and resentment.

When I realized that she wasn't going to come back to me, I retaliated and did it in the worst way possible. I hurt her even more, and intentionally. I look back on it now and I just cringe and hate myself, thinking of how low I sunk just because I got hurt and I wanted her to feel how I felt. Well, I sure accomplished that. But I can't regret it, because it taught me something I desperately needed to learn. If I had really loved her, I would have supported her in her decision. But I hurt her instead, and I could not be more sorry about that.

I vowed to myself that I would never do that to someone I love. Trying to cage them in, because I thought I loved them. It's not right. It may have been love, but love isn't supposed to trap you. We're nobody's keeper but our own.

If I am to ever bump into my ex again, I wouldn't tell her how sorry I am for the way I treated her. I wouldn't tell her that in my worst moments, that I can still see her crying her eyes out. Or even the best moments, when I can hear her tell me that she would love me forever. But maybe if I could, I'd say hey, ask how she was doing, and go from there.

It only takes one step.

The L Word... Literally.

2008-09-07T16:19:00.006+01:00

"Love is a beautiful thing, just because it's one of those things in life that easily ignites so much passion in every one of us.

I'm one of those firm believers in those "If you love someone, set them free." I don't know what love truly means, we all have our different definitions of it, and whatever they are, we're all right 'cause I figure if that's how love should feel for us, then that's how it should be.
I think we confuse love and relationships really easily though. I find loving somebody, anybody, is effortless. It's just there. It is effortless. It's just the whole being with them, and making it work, that takes the effort.

I find it disheartening when people go on and on about how they wish the person they loved (or had/has a crush on), wish they would feel the same way. I'm not saying that it's a sin or anything, it's perfectly human to feel that. But I guess, I've just learned that it's enough for me, to actually feel love for somebody. I feel obliged to them for that, that they let me feel such a way for them. I don't love them, for them to love me back, or to have them feel like they have to give something back to me. That's not how love is for me.
There are no expectations from me. When I tell somebody I love them, I don't expect them to say it back. They don't have to do that. They never have to. Love is always, always, enough."

I wrote that a couple of years ago. I found this little excerpt while I was going through old documents, and this was under a document where I write blogs, and this apparently didn't make the cut. I don't know why since everything I said then, still rings true now. Especially with recent events. Not a lot of people may understand the reasons behind why Ashley and I broke up. And that's okay because it isn't their business. Not that it actually stops them from asking.

I get asked what kind of efforts we made to stay together, like for instance when she was in London and I was in Stoke. Yes, a lot of phone calls, and a lot of e-mails went into it. But here's the thing, we never promised to do it. We didn't even expect each other to do it. There were times when it'd be a few days before we got to talk to each other, or even see each other. Yes, we missed each other's company. Why wouldn't we? She was/is one of the best friends I've ever come to know.
And we didn't belong to each other. We don't belong to each other. She had her own life, her own friends, and so did I. Sometimes our friends crossed paths, but for the most part, when we were together, it was always just us. Our time to reconnect as two intimate friends who hadn't seen each other in a while. It wasn't about being territorial, we were just tired from trying to explain to our friends who kept asking us the same questions. If those questions had been directed to anybody else, even with the best of intentions, seeds of doubt would have been planted. It wasn't for us to help them understand. We knew who we were to each other, and that was enough.
She gave me something more valuable than anything in the world. She gave me the complete freedom to love her. She had no expectations for me. She wanted nor needed anything from me. And I did the same for her.

Even now, when we're practically more than half a world's away from each other, we're still the same with each other. And we still say that we love each other. For whatever reason there may be, we're still going strong. I'm not going to question it. She knows she's free to love somebody new. And I know I will eventually find somebody else to love too.
But Ashley and I? We'll continue to grow.

A young woman and a man fall in love and as it happens, immediately they want to get married. The woman says, "Only on one condition..." She is very cultured, very sophisticated, very rich.
The man says, "Any condition is acceptable, but I cannot live without you."
She said, "First listen to the condition; then think it over. It is not an ordinary condition. The condition is that we will not live in the same house. I have a vast land, a beautiful lake surrounded by trees and gardens and lawns. I will make you a house on one side, just the opposite from where I live."
He said, "Then what is the point of marriage?"
She said, "Marriage is not destroying each other. I am giving you your space, I have my own space. Once in a while, walking in the garden we may meet. Once in a while, boating in the lake we may meet- accidentally. Or sometimes I can invite you to have tea with me, or you can invite me."
The man said, "This idea is simply absurd."
The woman said, "Then forget all about marriage. This is the only right idea- only then can our love go on growing, because we always remain fresh and new. We never take each other for granted. I have every right to refuse your invitation just as you have every right to refuse my invitation; in no way are our freedoms disturbed. Between these two freedoms grows the beautiful phenomenon of love."
Rabindranath Tagore - Akhari Kavita (The Last Poem)

Let there be spaces in your togetherness.
And let the winds of heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Kahlil Gibran - The Prophet (Almustafa)

Love hard, and love smart.

I want to see this: Possession

2008-09-02T17:23:00.005+01:00

Official website: Possession Movie
Director(s): Joel Bergvall, Simon Sandquist.
Cast: Sarah Michelle Gellar (Jessica), Lee Pace (Roman), Michael Landes (Ryan).
Film info: Starring Sarah Michelle Gellar as Jess, a woman whose life turns surreal after an automobile accident leaves both her husband Ryan and her brother-in-law Roman in a coma. Things take an even darker turn when Roman wakes believing that he is Ryan. As Jess tries to deal with these increasingly disturbing events, she also struggles with the possibility that either the spirit of her husband has returned to her or that something very sinister is at work.

Dude, it's that ridiculous annoyingly sweet guy from Pushing Daisies! Not being sweet! Boggles the mind when actors do something that is completely different to what you're used to seeing. But it's awesome too 'cause you get to see how well they do. And it looks like he's doing pretty well since I was officially creeped out by his character.
I'm glad to see Sarah on my screen though. I never really saw when she was in the Grudge movie(s?). It was nothing against her... I just don't like seeing bastardized versions of something that I liked scaring me, pardon my French, shitless. And I saw a lot of those to last me more than a few lifetimes. I would love to see her in a Buffy type role though. There's something about her that makes the empowering thing even more inspiring. Maybe it was just the Buffy thing, I don't know. But still, Buffy was pretty inspiring anyhow. And before I go onto a Buffy tangent... IMDB says it'll come out January next year.

The history books forgot about us.

2008-08-31T12:46:00.003+01:00

Yesterday, I think I had just about one of the most disturbing dreams I could ever have. It was about me and a friend of mine. More than twenty-four hours has passed, and I may not be thinking about it constantly, but when I think about this friend, that dreams come back in full-force. And it is just disturbing. My philosophy is that when you're a friend, you're off-limits. Because I consider my friends practically family, and that's just not right.
Sure, I can go as far as admitting my friends are hot, or even as far as flirting with them. But I would not cross that line. I love them more than enough to cross that line.
So, no. No, no no no no no no.
... No.

Yesterday was also another friend's birthday, Jeni. She's another one of those friends, I would nothing more than love to keep in touch with, but we suck at it when it comes to each other, lol. Even though she didn't live in London, she was one of my first friends when I lived there. Well, most of the friends I did make while I lived in London, didn't live in London, lol. But I don't know, I guess time just went on and we really went our separate ways. Plus then, I couldn't really look at her, without thinking of my ex, because they got closer and were practically sisters.
We're all just acquaintances now. That's just the way life is, and that's okay. I know they're all pretty happy where they are, and I'm so glad for that. Life definitely was not good for us back then. Consider it the foolishness of youth, I guess.

I want to see this: Choke

2008-08-30T09:16:00.010+01:00

Official Website: Choke
Director: Clark Gregg
Cast: Sam Rockwell (Victor Mancini), Anjelica Huston (Ida Mancini), Kelly Macdonald (Paige Marshall), Brad William Henke (Denny)
Film info: Victor Mancini, a medical-school dropout, is an antihero for our deranged times. Needing to pay elder care for his mother, Victor has devised an ingenious scam: he pretends to choke on pieces of food while dining in upscale restaurants. He then allows himself to be "saved" by fellow patrons who, feeling responsible for Victor's life, go on to send checks to support him. When he's not pulling this stunt, Victor cruises sexual addiction recovery workshops for action, visits his addled mom, and spends his days working at a colonial theme park. (source)

I've read the book, and loved it. It kept me hooked. And the dude playing Victor, has played some very good roles like Billy in The Green Mile. He was just brilliant in that. I have almost do doubt that he'd bring Victor justice. And then there's Anjelica Huston. There's nothing that needs to be said about this lady. She's brilliant whatever she does. I can't wait to see her as Ida.
It was shown at Sundance, and I read a couple of really favourable reviews.

... I'm still waiting for a movie adaptation for 'Invisible Monsters' (2010 apparently, woo!).

I want to see this: Bitch Slap

2008-08-30T09:02:00.005+01:00

Official link: Bitch Slap the Movie
Director: Rick Jacobson
Cast: Julia Voth (Trixie), Erin Cummings (Hel), America Olivo (Camero), Lucy Lawless (Mother Superior), Renée O'Connor (Sister Batrill)
Film info: “Bitch Slap” is a post-modern, thinking man’s throwback to the “B” Movie/Exploitation films of the 1950’s - 70’s as well as a loving, sly parody of same. Inspired by the likes of “Dragstrip Girls,” “Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill,” “Kung Fu Nun” and the pantheon of Blacksploitation films, “Bitch Slap” mixes hot girls, fast cars, big guns, nasty tongues, outrageous action and jaw-dropping eye candy with a message… don’t be naughty! (continue at source)

Checking factors to nominate this to the "I Want To See This" list:-
1) Lucy and Renee working together, again? Check.
2) Some Hercules & Xena alumni in present cast? Check, check.
3) Not one, not two, but THREE hot chicks totally getting it on? Check, check, check, check, check, check.
... Check.

Good enough for me!

Getting started.

2008-08-30T08:58:00.003+01:00

I'm trying to fix the layout a little bit, meaning, there will be a few changes. Right now, I added links to my blog posts where I talk about movies I want to see, and movies I have seen. Since I can't really do anything about old posts, because most of the films I talked about, have already been released. So from now on, these blogs will be slightly detailed than before. With my comments following the details, obviously.
It's under the Blog Archive, so I will assume that you guys know where to look, :-p.

I might add more links to my list, but I don't know yet.
I'm only just getting started.

I want to see this: Fast & Furious

2008-08-29T07:17:00.006+01:00

Okay whatever, I'm not ashamed that I have somewhat of a girly crush on Vin Diesel. But there's Jordana too. And she looks yummilicious. But ugh, did that look like she was hooking back up with Paul's character? Ugh. So not happy about that. But whatever. As long as she's there, I'm there.

Coming out next summer.

Moral of the tale?

2008-08-28T10:53:00.003+01:00

So this morning when I finally got my hands on my new laptop that Dad brought back for me, I was excited. Understandable, yes? So I plugged it in and did the usual, username and password blah blah. And then the stupidest thing happens. The laptop dies on me. You want to know what happened? The damn socket I plugged the plug in was faulty. Go figure right? And I thought no harm, no foul 'cause laptop didn't know the socket was faulty, I didn't know the socket was faulty.
Whatever.
It'll be okay when I get it to a working socket.

I bet you can imagine yourself thinking that I said that too soon. And you'd be right. Because as soon as I switched it back on, plugged to a socket that isn't faulty, Windows was kind enough to let me know that it could not start up properly and that I needed to restart to make it work. So I thought okay, that's fine. It didn't switch off properly before, so it's just giving me a tiny hissy fit. Whatever.
So I restarted. And you know what happens?
The same, damn, thing.

I was beginning to think that me and laptops were just never going to work together if they either die or just don't want to work with me. But a couple of deep breaths helped clear my mind a bit. Because it's not like the laptop is faulty. It does work. And it's brand new so there must have been something I did to make it, not work so well.
Whatever.

So I figured that I'm just going to cut my losses and try to fix what I can. I didn't have any important documents in the HD just yet. There was nothing I needed to save, so that was a really really big bonus 'cause I might have cried just a little. I'm only human, lol. So I put in the OS disk inside so I could install it all over again. Any extra software that was inside, I could download easily.
And it worked, yep yep.

But then!! The wireless wasn't working. At all. Because I asked the nice people at Dell to put in a different (and stronger) wireless card than they usually put in, and unfortunately, the driver had been taken away into Windows of Old and could therefore not be used. Seriously, I just about nearly gave up.
Whatever.
So I walked up to my room, looked over and tried to relax. I figured I'll go back when it wasn't clouding up my mind.

And then! I remembered that Dell should have any and every driver to download for every computer/laptop bought. And I was right. Which also meant I could download everything I had lost in the first place. Which I currently am doing.

What does this teach me?
I've finally got a hold of my temper, didn't lose my cool, and fixed the problem. How proud of me am I? :-D

*end of after-school special*

Okay, now I'm going to go and finish downloading all that crap I lost.

If I could turn you on, if I could drive you out of your wretched mind, if I could tell you, I would let you know.

2008-08-22T02:15:00.003+01:00

-R.D. Laing 'Politics of Experience and the Bird of Paradise'

Yesterday, there was a UK uni exhibition, and my cousin wanted to go. She's been talking about wanting to go there. And being the way that I am, I completely support it. But I guess I can somewhat sympathise with parents' fears, about sending their children off for further education. Because I am afraid for my cousin. Being here is like being in a bubble, and despite recent events, she's been okay for it. It's so hard out there, and I'm just afraid for her, I guess.
But, all the more reason to send her out there, right? I went, and I survived it. Even grew to love it. I know she will love it. Even if the reasons she is going there is just to immerse herself in the shopping frenzy. But that would fade in time.

I don't know. There are just those who spend their whole lives in a bubble, like we have, and then we're either thrusted, or thrust ourselves out there. And that bubble is harshly popped. Breaking our spirit, making us lose our way. Making us afraid and so very aware of our mortality. It's a harsh lesson to learn, but still so necessary. Because you learn the things that truly matter. It isn't the small things, or even the people, that we needlessly/recklessly attach ourselves to. That it is we who matter. And we learn more about ourselves because we survived and are still surviving. That regardless of how sappy it is, our lives are precious. We can keep pushing the limits until we find ourselves facing death.

It is okay when we try to find the means to escape life. Certain hobbies that make our minds empty of everything that burden us, and nothing consuming us in those moments. I know those hobbies. I have those hobbies. I read my books to go into different worlds. I listen to my music to deafen my thoughts. I meditate to escape my thoughts and the world.
But that is all they are, escapes. So very temporary because life is still there, waiting for us to pick up where we left it previously. Avoidance isn't as key as we think. And it's funny how we're either escaping, or just plain delaying. We think up of so many ways to procrastinate, to delay living. We never really know when we're ready until we get there.

We're so afraid of experiencing life to the fullest because of that other damn shoe that we feel, threatens to drop at any given second. Yes, the shoe will most likely fall. And yes, that will majorly suck. But there's no point in living a life half-assed. There's no point in doing anything half-assed. There's not even a point to feeling anything half-assed just because you're afraid. It just seems like such a game. Life is already a game in itself. We don't need to make it harder.
But we do, because that's just how we are. We complicate the things that should be easy. We over-dramatise the lies to cover the truth. We manipulate to get what we want. We do so many unnecessary things because we wouldn't be human for it if we did otherwise.
Are we still human if we did do otherwise? If there ever came a day, when love is just love. When there are no games to play, no rules to abide, no lies to tell, no betrayal to commit, no boundaries to push, no limits to restrict. Just love. In it's ever purest form.
Not just a love for your partner because god knows, that's only a small part to any sort of love in your life. But just a love for everything else, beyond friends and family.
Sure, it's idealistic. And maybe even naive.
But I'm not stupid. I am realistic. I do know that there is hate in the world. And I believe even that is necessary because even hate can come in a pure form. It provides a balance to the love that is already there. And that's okay. Maybe the world isn't ready to completely love itself. Maybe it won't ever be ready. But as long as love is there at all, then we can pretty much get through anything.

"Falling in love you remain a child; rising in love you mature. By and by love becomes not a relationship, it becomes a state of your being. Not that you are in love - now you are love"
- Osho

I'll become the sacred faith you lost.

2008-08-20T04:06:00.006+01:00

Well this has been a phenomenally bad day. I'm depressed. For the first time since I've been back, I feel depressed. But whatever. It's nothing. They're nothing. I really am not going to let it get to me. Few moments of depressed mode is fine, but then it's over. There are worse things than what's been said/happening.
And no, I'm not planning to share the little details. It's because, like I said, there are worse things to stress about. And these problems/people are small beans compared to the bigger picture.
Yeah, it's hard not to get affected by what people say about you. Especially when many different people say it. But you really have to learn not to care. If you like yourself fine, then they really don't matter. I'm not going to let people tell me what to do about myself. People think they know, but they don't. Because it works fine for you, it'll work fine for me? That's just bullshit.

I'm just tired right now, I guess. I'm weary.
I feel kind of worn down. And I know the only thing I can do to get myself back up, is to get some me time. I'll probably get to that later. Because I need to rest right now.

The Panic
Naked, exposed our only fears tonight
Scratches, vomit, I'm sleeping here again
And I will wake up with a purpose, I will be free
I'm thinking...

I think of everything you said
You made me hate myself again
Then you say you're sorry
I can't take this anymore
- Strata

Nothing like show business.

2008-08-19T10:09:00.007+01:00

So today, TVGuide.com uploaded the Fall TV premiere schedule, and man, I don't know how I'm going to find the time to watch all of these new shows. And some old ones, like Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles, premiering September 8th. Just to make sure that we're going to be watching, there are new promo shoots for this second season. And check out Cameron.

Don't you just want to pull that zipper down juuuuust a tiny bit more?

... I really love that outfit.
But jeez, Photoshopped much?

The first show I'll be watching will be the second season premiere of GRΣΣK, August 26th. I don't know about you guys, but for me, the show definitely started picking up in that second half of the previous season. I mean, it was balancing between good and okay for that first half, but that second half, Post-Writers Strike? Amazing.

Plus, that subtext between Casey and Ashley? Sizzling.

Best friends? Yes.

Lovers? I wish!

Yup, can't wait for all of my TV shows to arrive.

There are a few new shows I am looking forward to seeing like Fringe with Joshua Jackson (September 9th), 90210 with some newbies and some Beverly Hills 90210 alumni (September 2nd), Knight Rider with Sydney Tamiia Poitier (September 24th) and so so much more.
*excited squee*

It's official...

2008-08-17T18:08:00.005+01:00

Ellen and Portia are married!

There really aren't any words to express just how happy I am for them.
Congratulations, Ellen & Portia.

God, it wasn't that long ago when I saw the video on YouTube, when Ellen announced they were getting married. It was just a great day. I cried, really really cried. It was a happy day. Not just for Ellen, but everybody too.
And after reading that article that they got married, I got a little teary again. *sigh* So happy for them, and really, I wish them a lifetime of happiness.

<3

"I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision."

2008-08-17T07:02:00.004+01:00

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility."

I want to believe that the friends I've made over the years, are the kind of people who, when faced with adversity, can and will rise above it. But I don't want to place these expectations, because they beget disappointment. And I dislike being disappointed in those that I love. So I expect nothing from them. But I guess you can't help it when some friends can't seem to see over that brick wall. You can't help hurting that they just seem to want to give up, because the wall is too high or too thick.
Maybe it's the optimist in me, but I don't believe there is a wall too high or too thick. Only you can stop yourself from going through or over it. Only you choose whether to go backwards, or towards a different path, or the path that you were already on. Your future is always your choice. When you start giving up, that's when you're giving away that control over your future. And there's nothing else to control in your life because then maybe, you're just aimless.

I can't help with the wall. I can't help to break it down, or bore a hole through it. I can only help by giving the tools to do it. Life doesn't stop putting those brick walls in front of you. It is a constant brick wall after another. If there is nothing there, what is there then? You might as well be dead. Sure life has the easy times, but you can't expect it to always be easy either. There is always something for us to face, something that will challenge us as individuals. And if we just give up, then that's it. We are lost.

Love is the only freedom from attachment

2008-08-16T23:11:00.002+01:00

I'm re-reading the writings of Chuang-Tzu at the moment, and there was this one passage that kind of resonated with me and I'm still trying to figure out why. Bear with me 'cause it is pretty lengthy.

" The True One of antiquity was a lonely peak standing apart from the crumbling range, a solitary figure who didn't need to form a "party." Seeming always to lack, the True One accepted nothing, standing four-square without being rigid, being plain rather than flashy, smiling as if happy, but quick to do what he had no choice but to do. What gathered within the True One put a glow on the face. What he gave did not go beyond the power of his virtue. He could be harsh as any in his world, arrogant and uncontrollable, a hard man, heart gone elsewhere, words forgotten. He took punishment to the body, ritual to be the wings. He took knowledge as timeliness, and the Power of Virtue as his only force. Taking punishment as the body, he was kind when he had to kill. Taking ritual as wings, he moved freely in his world. Taking knowledge as timeliness, he saw that there were times when he had no choice but to act. Seeing the Power of Virtue as his only power, he was one whose own two feet were sufficient to get to the top of any hill. Yet people persisted in thinking he worked hard to get there.
What he loves is One. What he doesn't love is One. What he takes as One is One. What he doesn't take as One is One. What is at one is the companion of heaven. What is not at one is the companion of humanity. When neither heaven nor humankind is victor or vanquished, we find what is meant by the True Human.
Life and death are fate. They are constant as dawn and dark. This is "heaven." Humankind has those things it cannot have: this is all in the fact of things, the way things are. These things all have heaven as progenitor and all embrace it. How much more shall they embrace that which is greater? People accept their princes as their superiors and lay down their lives for them. How much more shall they be willing to die for that which is true?"

There are only so many ways we can prepare for what is ahead of us. I think/feel that it's easier to just let it come as it is, try not to prevent it, and just weather through it. Everything comes down to how you proceed. How you move forward. It's up to you to decide whether to make the road as easy or as difficult for you. The right way is never the easiest way. I don't think there'll really ever be a time when it would be easy. Not a lot of people will agree with it. Even the people that love you, or claim to do so. But if you have enough faith in yourself, then all that doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter.
But somehow, it does. And it'll hurt because they are supposed to love you and you think they are supposed to agree with you, and then support you.

What's that saying, "I may not believe what you believe, but I support your right in doing so"?
I tread a fine line. I'm more of the type to agree and disagree, but still support you anyway. I'm an advocate for people taking responsibility for their own actions. I always make sure to tell my friends that whatever they end up doing, to make sure that it's their own decision. I can only go as far as giving as many different perspectives as I can but that is all. I've been in a few "You told me to do that/I shouldn't have listened to you" fights that I had to learn from it. Learn that people really, really don't like owning up to their own mistakes.

And here's the thing, you can point as many fingers of blame to as many things as you want, but it's not going to get you anywhere. You can go ahead and have your wallowing time, thinking about where the hell things went kablooey, where you were facing that cross-road between kablooey and non-kablooey was. But when that mist clears, you still have to move forward. Shoulder that regret or don't. It's not like if you repent for that mistake, whatever happened will just disappear from memory forever. It's always there, whether you look back or not. You can only repent, and move on from it.

"Most people get a fair amount of fun out of their lives, but on balance life is suffering, and only the very young or very foolish imagine otherwise"

2008-08-16T16:03:00.001+01:00

- George Orwell

There's this scene in Sylvia, near to the ending (I suggest you stop reading if you haven't seen the movie and want to, but if you don't care, go on... Not that it'll be very much surprise since we know what happened to her anyway)... Where her neighbour takes her up to his apartment because she seemed aimless and he offered her some tea. She sat down on the couch and I think she said something like "I'm tired. I'm so tired."
That scene has stuck with me since then. Scenes like that always do. I haven't even forgotten that scene in The Hours, while Virginia's husband was reading her letter to him.
There are so many words that can describe that feeling. But "tired"? It's just so simple and yet it hits harder. Maybe it's because we've been there. When everything is just so dire and everything is just utterly hopeless. Despite how everything else in your life, how good it is, it all still seems so... bleak. Dark. And it's all just out of balance with the world.
I think balance is one of the hardest thing to obtain in the world. It's a delicate line to tread. Trying to find the balance within yourself, I think, is accepting every part of you. The good and the bad. And we always think we've done it. Accepting every part of ourselves. But we seem to find that we're wrong. Because we discover some new part of us, and we try to figure out how it concerns us. How to make it fit into our puzzle.

Like, I'm trying to somehow embrace my lighter side. Because Ashley tells me I've more than embraced the dark side of me, but I'm still uncomfortable with the light.
We are obsessed with that light. And yet we are always attracted to the dark. Nobody can find us there. Nobody can see our discretion. Nobody can hear our secrets. They can't taste our tears. Hear our hearts beating fast. Smell our excitement.
In the light, we are visible to all eyes. To scrutiny. In the light, we are naked. Vulnerable. It is perhaps, the scariest place to be. A place to show that we can be vulnerable, and yet know, that we're stronger for it.

We should be more like the day. A day gives itself time to be in the light, and time to be in the dark. We can't always be light, and we can't always be dark. We have to be both. There is no balance in being just one. There is no point in there being something called a balance then.

All I ever wanted was to be with you.

2008-08-15T15:16:00.005+01:00

Some time last year, I was reading the paper, and there was this special feature on this professor guy who was giving a speech that was supposed to be his last lecture. And I thought "Okay, that sounds kinda interesting". I read on further and if you know the story then you'll know who I'm talking about.
Randy Pausch.
The article had an excerpt of Pausch's book, titled 'The Last Lecture'. And it goes on talking about how he didn't let his cancer stop him from living. How he went on, loving his wife, his family and friends. How he was a picture of health when he was giving the lecture back in September 2007.
Suffice it to say, I wanted to read the book.

And as fortune had it, Ashley bought the book, and our thing was that when we bought a new book, we'd take turns reading each chapter to each other. And that's what we did.
It is not a sentimental book. It's not whiny. It's not sappy. But it is funny. It is sad. It is smart. It is heart-felt and it is real.
He wrote about the cancer, but very matter-of-factly. He was optimistic. Seeing things on the positive, does not mean he was in denial. It just means that he chose to see things positively. It's not like he wanted the cancer, so it's not like he could do anything about it but go through anything the doctors put him under. And he took it all.
He talked about not stressing on the little details, and it's the bigger picture that we need to look at. That when things don't go your way, (and he mentions this repeatedly) that it's only a brick wall to stop those who don't want it bad enough.
The book is filled to the brim with life lessons that we all learn along the way. Some things we've known for a long time, and some we don't really get just yet but they make sense. But I don't think we'll ever get enough life lessons handed to us, there'll always be something more.

I went and bought the book today. Started reading it this afternoon and finished just fifteen minutes ago.
There's also a video on Youtube, well, there are a lot of videos, but there is one that Carnegie Mellon uploaded, and it's the complete speech. It's one hour, but trust me. It's worth it.

There are so many things that resonates with me in the book itself, but I only want to highlight two passages right now:
"Because I've been very vocal about the power of childhood dreams, some people have been asking lately about the dreams I have for my children.
I have a direct answer for that.
It can be a very disruptive thing for parents to have specific dreams for their kids. As a professor, I've seen many unhappy college freshman picking majors that are all wrong for them. Their parents have put them on a train, and too often, judging by the crying during my office hours, the result is a train wreck.
As I see it, a parent's job is to encourage kids to develop a joy for life and a great urge to follow their own dreams. The best we can do is to help them develop a personal set of tools for the task.
So my dreams for my kids are very exact: I want them to find their own path to fulfillment. And given that I won't be there, I want to make this clear: Kids, don't try to figure out what I wanted you to be come. I want you to become what you want to become."

"When I was studying for my PhD, I took something called "the theory qualifier," which I can now definitively say was the second worst thing in my life after chemotherapy. When I complained to my mother about how hard and awful the test was, she leaned over, patted me on the arm and said, "We know just how you feel, honey. And remember, when your father was your age, he was fighting the Germans."

I'm gone, and you're still there

2008-08-11T07:58:00.013+01:00

Money isn't the most important thing in the world.
But having it sure does take one thing off the Stress List. But I can never understand when people want to invest their money, because while there is a possibility of them getting more money, there is also that possibility of losing that money. Especially during this time, when the economy is suffering. Badly.

My dad applied for my siblings and I to invest in unit trusts. I didn't object because yes, I wanted one less thing to really stress about. That is, my future. And for awhile it had been doing really well, constantly well in fact, and I was always adamant that when my unit trusts were on that constant mode, for him to take about half of it, or at least some, and put them into my savings.
A couple of months ago, it got to a pretty high sum, and yet again, my gut was telling me that he should take a certain amount out. But he said no, that it wouldn't be the smartest thing to do.
And this is the thing, you can try doing what you think is the smartest thing to do, but when you have a gut feeling about anything, trust it more. It may seem wrong and impulsive, but gut instincts are almost never wrong.
And I'm annoyed with myself for not pushing it. But whatever, it's done now.
Well boo, you whorish spilt milk.

I'm sick by the way. And kinda pms-ing, lol. So you can tell that even with the zen attitude I've been trying to keep, I am not immune to the hormones. But it's not as bad as most can be. And I've been craving chocolate like crazy. Which is not good because I'm sick. My throat is killing me, making it hard to swallow anything. Chocolate syrup is a god-send, by the way. And chocolate milk.
... Unfortunately, melted chocolate gets too sticky.
Though now I'm totally contemplating making a melted chocolate cheese sandwich. I don't know if I want to puke at the thought or drool over it.

My dad will be coming back in a couple of weeks, thank god. He has my laptop which I'm missing terribly. Even though I haven't ever actually seen or touch it before, lol. But it's easy to miss something even if you haven't seen it yet. Especially when I want to see how it turns out 'cause I chose the specs for it myself.
... And it's kind of been making me itchy to try building a computer myself too. Which I know, is a very time-consuming project to take on, and pricey 'cause you want the best stuff inside that casing. But still, I might just try it since I have all this time on my hands.

I just got an e-mail from my friend, Roxanne. She's getting married and obviously, I plan to be there. No matter when or where it is in the world, there's no way I'm going to miss seeing her enter a new stage in her life. But yeah, she recently e-mailed me telling me that it's likely the wedding will be maybe in a couple of years. And she asked me to be the official wedding photographer. Which I'm flattered about, and kind of makes me nervous. Because wedding photography is not the easiest thing in the world. And it's very likely I'm going to ask another person to help me out 'cause I wouldn't be able to be everywhere to record everything, or most of it everything anyway. Plus, I might need to get some extra equipment, maybe even another camera.
There are a lot of things I'm going to have to do if this actually pulls through. 'Cause Roxanne might change her mind and go ahead with a professional and I wouldn't hold that against her. But, it does help motivating me to go ahead and buy the extra equipment I've been wanting to get for over a couple of years now.
Not that my savings would be particularly happy about it, lol.

I'm still talking to Ashley a lot. Well, technically no. We still talk about the same amount as we used to. I guess it feels like a lot because we're not together.
Though it feels kind of like a throwback to when I was younger, and was chatting to Mel when she was in the States, lol. Well almost, since Ash is all the way in Florida, rather than... Virginia? If I'm not completely mistaken. But man, the hours I'm keeping, just so we could catch each other online even though we've been effectively e-mailing each other regularly since I started using my brother's laptop. But she's worth it. Always has been, :-).
Since we've been e-mailing more, we end up just talking about the usual stuff, anything and everything. Talking to each other like nothing has changed. And really, nothing has, except the label of our relationship. And what does a label matter since we actually do still love each other, and still even more as every day passes by. Sure, there may be a tinge of sadness, when we get moments when we're thinking "Did we make a mistake?", but we know we didn't. It's just not the right time. And it's sad, yeah, but what can we do? We're not exactly rich enough to see each other anytime we'd like. It's not fair on either of us to keep holding on like that. She knows I'll understand when/if she lets me go to pursue somebody else. I just want her to be happy. As long as she'll let me love her for as long as I can, then it's enough. If people still don't understand, I can't do anything about it. She and I know, and that's enough for me.

Reason Why
So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
- Rachael Yamagata

For always, love.
Always.

I'm losing my mind and you just stand there and stare as my world divides

2008-08-09T01:52:00.003+01:00

It's hard tracking down people when they have legally changed their names. Not that it'd be completely difficult tracking anybody down in this country. Especially if that person you're looking for, is well-known on the grapevine.
I guess I figured that since I should make an effort to get back in touch with the friends that I want to get back in touch with. If they don't reply back, then it's okay. Most of me doesn't expect much of that anyway. I'm just doing it so that I know I tried.
Plus it'd give me something to say if I happen to bump into any of them, lol.
It's not that I'm getting in touch with a whole bunch of people. There's only five that I can really think of... And half of that are the ones who I hung out with for most of this past year itself.

So, I went to my uncle's wedding reception yesterday. That surely was interesting.
And I have learned that if I ever become famous, and wanted to go anywhere incognito, all I need to do is wear a tudung. Because yesterday, unless anybody near came enough, they had no clue that it was me, lmao.
I kinda refuse to comment on the new lady in my uncle's life. I don't know her, and as long as she makes my uncle happy, then yeah, whatever. It's his life.
Even if I did get a weird vibe thing off her.
That's the thing, I trust my instincts on people. And when I get vibes about certain people, it's not like I avoid them, it's more that I try to be careful of how I act with them. Because I don't know their true nature, and I'll never know it. And I don't even know what the vibes meant 'cause they don't mean "MUST HATE AND GOSSIP BADLY ABOUT FOR ALL TIME TO COME". Mine are more subtle about it like "There's something odd in Whoseville".
I'd definitely never get to know anything if I avoid it.

Back, woo.

2008-08-08T06:19:00.003+01:00

... That subject title is meant to be dripping with sarcasm. Really.

It hasn't been too completely awful being back. It has it's good points. But like I have said before so many times, there's just something about being here that makes me want to revert back to that 16-year old who simply hated the world around her. Well, I'm not so hateful now, lol. I'm still upset with the world, for the same reasons as I hated it then. But whatever.
There's just something about being here that makes people so unmotivated, lethargic. I don't want that. I don't want to revert because I don't like who I used to be. But it's hard to do that because nobody gives you a chance to be who you are. They want you to stay as you were before you left. Or at least what they thought you were.
It's like, we've all moved on to different parts of our lives, but when it comes to each other, we're still in the past. And we're trying to fast-forward so we can catch up. And we get so frustrated when we can't get there, that it's just painful for everyone around. Or sometimes there will be those who don't want to catch up at all. They just want to stay stuck in the past because they don't like who we are now. That hurts because how can you say your love is unconditional when you only love the part of me that you thought was there, and when I try to be who I am, you act hurt, as if I'm reacting to you?
I can understand parents having that mentality that when their own kid tries to strike out on their own... Either goes about it the wrong way, or fails miserably; they take it as their own mistakes. And they shouldn't. Because it isn't their mistakes. In fact, it may be kind of egotistical to think that it is their fault. We may be a result of their connection, but we are not either of them. We are who we are.
Parents ask, "Is it what I did? Did I treat you too bad/too well?" And the answer is always, "No". Because it isn't about them at all. Who we are is about us, never them. It's never been about them.

I'm just tired of that. I'm tired of having to explain who I am because I shouldn't have to. I should just be accepted because this is how it is. Maybe I'll change some, but at the core, I'll always be the same.
Disliking this god-forsaken place, and wanting the hell out of dodge.

Nobody said it was easy.

2008-07-27T12:03:00.008+01:00

Barcelona was hot. Insanely hot. But I had fun. Well, as much fun as I could. There were some seriously bumpy moments which I could have done without. But whatever, it's past.
Buildings were/are beautiful. I even love the freaking roads. Seriously.
I don't think there will ever be a place where I like the drivers though, lol. Drivers are just crazy, period.

We did a lot of touristy things. Except the shopping. It may not be my money, but I do remember how ridiculously expensive things are in Europe. I wouldn't have been averse to go shopping, but I don't know when else I'd be able to go to Barcelona, and I didn't exactly want to waste it going shopping when I could do that in London or Stoke, or even Singapore.
Funny enough about the shopping in Europe, ridiculously priced. But the museums and the touristy places, talk about cheap. Single digits. Except for once, and that was worth every €13,20 we (read:Dad) paid for.

After I finish this blog, I'll be packing up the computer 'cause the guys picking up the boxes are coming tomorrow. The order process on my laptop says that it's already with the carrier, but it probably wouldn't arrive until I leave. Or just to be ironic, the day that I leave. I don't mind... The big picture is that as long as it gets to me eventually then it's all gravy.

Okay, it's getting way too hot here. So I'm gonna go cool off or something.

I want to see this: I Can't Think Straight

2008-07-17T00:18:00.004+01:00

*pouts*
It'll most likely show on festival circuits before coming out on major release.

So kiss me hard 'cause this will be the last time that I let you

2008-07-14T14:19:00.007+01:00

Jordana Brewster's gonna be in Chuck, yay! It's been awhile since I've seen her in anything. Not to mention the fact that the TV version of Mr and Mrs Smith has been blown to smithereens.
Idiots.

Just another two weeks before I go back. Yay. And that's me saying that in the most lacklustre way I can muster up. I am looking forward to seeing my family again and everything, but not so much when the dust settles, you know what I mean? I've got a few ideas about what I'll get up to, but I'm sure I'll have a lot of resistance on the parental front when I tell them that I want to do those things. It'll be hard for my parents to accept, that I'm not asking for their permission. I feel kinda sorry for them... Because they'll most likely think that I've gone back into my "rebel" phase. But I guess that's their problem to deal with on their own. There are only so many ways I can tell them that this is just the way I am without getting completely redundant. Only way left would be to show them, isn't it?

I'm having the hardest time packing. Because I thought my dad was set on renting out the house, now he's like rethinking it all over again. And then he nearly threw a hissy 'cause I was trying to understand why the hell he wanted to pack everything when before he was like, "we don't have to pack everything." And he was acting like I was scolding him or something. Jeez.
Earlier I asked him how many boxes we could send back, and he said "As many as you want. Not that it's unlimited either."
Doesn't it being limited mean that it's not as many as I want? Lol I don't know. Sometimes I don't understand how the line of communication can be so warped.

Out bad air, in good air.

We're headed up to Nottingham later on for my cousin's graduation dinner. They were here yesterday, shopping and stuff. They're headed back on Wednesday. Unfortunately we won't be able to send them off 'cause that's the day Dad's picking up my sister from her place.
We're headed for Barcelona on the 21st until the 25th. Completely Dad's idea... And part of me doesn't want to go because that's five days out of being here. Two days after that is when we're having the boxes picked up. Then two days after that, I'm heading back. I know it seems like there is time, but I feel rushed because of it. We always think there's a lot of time, but really, time goes by so quick. Too quick sometimes.
And I wouldn't mind packing so much... I just have so much small stuff that it's hard to organize and pack in those big boxes that dad bought, lol. But, we'll persevere I s'pose.

And the part of me that does want to go, can't wait to see the many many churches, 'cause hello, photo op or what?

The greatest miracle in the world is that you are, that I am.

2008-07-04T08:27:00.006+01:00

I love listening to music. Especially since it helps prevent me from thinking. At all. Seriously.
I've been having these bad dreams lately, with as my ex featured as my co-star, every single time. And saying I don't like it, is really understating it. It hurts, that's what it does. Past memories, and the what-could-have-beens. I don't like entertaining those thoughts. Especially this one. Just does nothing but bring me severe heartache.

I know there is no way I could ever really be over something as bad as that experience was. But I've always known that I could move on. And I know that I have, because the moments I think about that time is lesser. But now those moments where I consciously think about that time, has been pushed into my unconscious world. And I still don't know how to control that world. Maybe I'm stupid for putting too much stock into dreams, but my dreams tend to come back and show up in real life for some stupid reason.
I'm just afraid I guess. I don't like being afraid but I'm only human. I can only be afraid, but at the same time can hopefully be strong to pull through it again.

Someone once told me that even though I fall (not of the in-love variety, but just of the general getting kicked by the foot that is life), and fall hard, I always get back up, better. Personally I never saw myself like that until she pointed it out. I just thought I was weak for letting my emotions rule me. I still think I was. I don't want to be misconstrued as saying that it's bad to feel anything. No way. I'm saying that it was bad for me to let it rule me like that. Maybe it's because I was a teenager and I didn't know how to control myself. I just didn't know what to do. Yeah. I was trapped, and then to suddenly find myself in a state of freedom. I guess that short-circuited my system there.
I want my emotions to guide me. Just show me the ways that I can take but not actually take me there. At least not until I'm ready to go.

I hate to call myself cautious because I don't want to be. I want to be as reckless with my emotions as I used to be. But I know I can't. With the way that I am, I have to be as non-reckless as I can. Not cautious, just... Non-reckless+non-cautious. Frak knows that I've been taking a lot of risks with no idea for the outcome. But I wasn't really given much choice in the matter. So I just let my emotions guide me and then work it out from there. I have to make both sides of me work together or I'll combust. I can't just go in balls to the wall all willy-nilly. I said I don't want to be cautious, doesn't mean I want to be stupid.

It's all so very confusing.

To conquer yourself, is to know the way.

2008-07-03T17:09:00.007+01:00

*sigh*
I wish it could rain money.
Actually no.
I wish I knew how not to want so easily. To desire so much. Sometimes too much. It separates me from a world that I want to live in.

"The entire world is driven by a will. Blind and ruthless. In order to transcend the limitations of the physical world, one must cease desiring and become what we desire."

Oh I finally discovered a website that actually specifically says that it doesn't ship to "home". It's the first time I've seen that. Other times it's Asia or South-East Asia or something like that. But nope, this one actually says "does not ship to ... blah blah".
Except it's not exactly a good thing since it's something I would like to have, lol.
I'm going to have to move to somewhere shipping-friendly. Or just go to the States 'cause that's where almost everything I want seems to be coming from.

Gorrammit.

I was making food for my dad when I told him about my sister going to Pride this Saturday and he asked whether I actually wanted to go down to London. And then just as quickly as he asked that, he asked "What's Pride?" I swear I have never felt my ears burning up so quick, trying to think up of a parent-friendly answer to that. I knew he would ask what Pride was/is, but for whatever reason, it completely threw me off.
"Um, uhh, it's a parade about... pride?"
Funniest thing ever.
Thing is, I would love to go, of course. But I'm trying to think logically as well. 'Cause if we go, dad will want to drive, and I'm trying to think what traffic's going to be like, going back and forth between London. Then I have to think about what parking is going to even be like on that day itself. Then I have to wonder how I would actually have to behave in front of him while we're watching a parade of fairies, gods, and goddesses passing us by.
And the thing is, I don't actually feel right, bringing my dad to something without him knowing the real reason why. The little lies that I've told my parents throughout my life, it doesn't even amount to this because it's a part of me. An important part that they don't know, or are just actively denying it. A part that they will most likely don't want to know.
And okay, I'm also slightly afraid right now because he sort of made somewhat of a bigoted comment earlier. I'm irked.

Such is life, eh?

Got the urge to merge...

2008-07-03T00:39:00.004+01:00

... My blogs.
:-p

Seriously though, trying to put together both blogs that I've been working on these past few months? I knew it was going to be time-consuming but jeez. I sure wrote alot of stuff. I don't even want to try merging this blog with my myspace blog, lol. That would be insane. I just thought it'd be simpler for me to put them together since I was practically neglecting the other (now-deleted) blog.
My myspace blog still exists. It'll continue to exist for the time being I guess. No idea what to do with it. Though there will probably be a day when I'm going to read through my old posts.
Oy.

Dad's here. He woke up a few minutes ago. Jet-lagged and all that.
How slim do you think, are my chances in asking him to drive me down to London for Pride this Saturday?
Could be pretty slim I imagine. Eh.

I have major packing to do. I was doing my laundry earlier, then folding them up, thinking "I'm just going to put you in a damn box, don't know why the hell I'm putting you in the damn closet." Yes, I talk to my clothes. I am officially weird. Yay.
I don't know what I'd start packing though. My books maybe. My computer will go last. Or will be in one of the last few boxes anyway. Dad's pretty much said that any and every personal items have to be packed.
He only bought 5 tea-chest boxes. No idea whether that would actually every personal item of mine. Actually no, it wouldn't. I may not be a conventional girl with mountains of clothes and make-up, but I'm a pack rat and damn it, I have mountains of crap and I want to pack them! Okay not crap, otherwise I wouldn't have them, but stuff I definitely do not want to throw away.
I am in a weird mood.

Then there's stuff I sent with a couple of friends of mine. That's one aspect of the Asian personality that works out in my favour in this current situation. The desire to please. Or help out. I have two boxes worth of stuff hopefully already there by now.

I still need to buy a damn guitar case. I keep putting that off. I really shouldn't 'cause that's the on that's probably the cheapest of all the things I want to get before I go. *sigh*

So little time.

I made this whole world shine for you

2008-06-29T19:29:00.003+01:00

I'm back from Aberystwyth! It was really nice there. Beautiful country-side, and I've not seen that many horses since we drove by the country club back "home", lol. We did a whole lot of walking though. I don't know why it still surprises me 'cause I always end up walking the whole live-long day whenever I'm out with James. But still, all good. We went to Devil's Bridge (pretty cool myth/legend thing to go with it), the beach, saw some seriously sandy sand-dunes, went on a steam railway thingy, and visited a butterfly house. I kinda liked the beach and the butterfly house the best.

So now I'm back, and I'm taking this weekend to rest up for a bit. Then Monday I'm going to start setting things aside to be packed into boxes. I have no idea what my dad has planned for the house but I'm really not taking chances and leave my stuff behind. I should be able to pack most of my stuff into a good amount of boxes. Seven years ain't nothing to sneeze at.

I hate the idea of leaving but it's not like it's forever. I know I'll be coming back next year at least. My friend's getting married and she pretty much demanded that I be there. Getting any sort of reprieve is of the good. It's just the thought of not being able to wake up to this... air, I don't know. I'm just wary about what life's going to be like when I get back. Because I know it's going to be so unbelievably hard to go there and get into some sort of groove so I'd be able to handle it. So sue me that I really don't want to go back to a place where I felt nothing compared to how I feel here. Free and happy.
Don't even get me started on Ashley. We're sorting it out as best as we can, with the things that is within our control I guess. Otherwise, not much else left is there?

Ugh, let's get off that depressing subject.

I've been doing some serious online shopping since I've been back. Yes, I know I've only been back a day but I really have, lol. I'm trying to scramble up most of the things I wanted to get but never got around to getting. Mostly books, some DVDs, some music too. Shopping does make me kinda happy in that girly kinda way, funnily enough. But it's still the stuff I really really want, like, these are things I've been thinking about getting for two years now. Which also means that they've gone waaaaaay down in price. Well, most of the books and some DVDs anyway. DVD box-sets unfortunately do not always go down in price, lol.
But it's not all for me y'know. A few friends' birthdays and all that. Wists list are heaven-sent. The only problem with it is that there's a possibility that somebody else got the same thing, lol. Ah well, I'll figure it out.

Okay, okay... It's been a long time. Whoops.

2008-06-20T23:31:00.002+01:00

The blog for Canada will be up later on... It's just, kinda hefty and I'm a little woozy from remembering everything. Well not everything, but definitely a lot of things from the trip. Or trips.

That was an honest-to-goodness vacation. I mean, there were times when reality came in and rained on our parade. Talking about going back and everything. That's definitely a downpour. But I can tell you, despite all that, I'm definitely in love with the place. The scenery, the people... Well, except when they get behind the wheel of a car. Jeez, you guys are impatient drivers. Well, you guys are impatient, period.
... Hot waitresses though. Like, oh my fricking god, where did you come from?

I got a call from my mum about my older sister going to Montreal for ten days. I'm totally blanking on when she's going, but man, this is probably the first time I'm actually jealous about anything in a long long time. And believe me when I say I don't get jealous very easily anymore.
But y'know, I was just in the country. I just think it was ironic that my sister is going there, just after I was there. Well, not that I ever was in Montreal. Not yet anyway. And it's not like I wouldn't be going back 'cause damn, Canada... That was just foreplay.

Anyway, busy next few weeks.
Going to Wales tomorrow (Saturday). Aberystwyth... Castles, and steam railways... If Wikipedia is anything to go by, lol. I look forward to the castles though.
Then a few meet-ups with some other friends.
Then my dad is flying over here to help me with the housework, I guess. I don't know how long he's going to be here. I forgot to ask Mum about that. I'll text her later about that.

Ashley is here. She was with me when I came back but then she had to go back to work, *pouts*. But we managed to celebrate our 20-month anniversary together, :-D.
Even though Canada was awesome, I've missed her something fierce. Plus, y'know, when I was in Vancouver, my cousins kept asking me about her, and kept going on about us getting married there, lol.
But no, that's definitely a conversation best saved for when/if we're actually at that step.

Y'know, I almost never look forward to the summer 'cause it always seems to be the most stressful few months of the year for me. Mainly because my mum is always calling to remind me to either buy a ticket back or confirm a return date. This year she wanted me to go back on the 16th July, which I tried booking last month, but obviously since July is the busiest month for RBA it was going to be tricky anyway. I was on the waiting list. I called again Monday to ask if anything came up, and they said nope. But they could only manage to squeeze me in on the 29th.
I texted my Mum to let her know. And she's telling me I should "persuade my sister to return" with me. And the rest of her text basically said that my sister "also" sounds like she doesn't want to go back. I don't know how she got me not wanting to go back because I said flights are fully booked and me coming back on the 29th but really, it tires me out. Every year we go through this.
I can only say so many times that we want to take advantage of the fact that we're even here. We're not going to be here forever, etc. etc. It's not like we forget where we come from. We've never forgotten. And I don't like that we're being made feel guilty as if we have.
They can make us feel guilty for not wanting to come back, because at least that crime is true. But forgetting where we came from? That hurts.

Whatever. It's done anyway. I'm going back on the 29th.

Speaking of birthday presents, I actually had a good birthday this year too. I spent the morning running errands, getting some bits and pieces for my flight the next day. Then I met up with my roomie from college, Carmen for her lunch break. She just got back from spending her birthday in France (her birthday was three days before mine). We exchanged birthday cards and had lunch at this really yummy place near the Strand... Apostrophe, I think it's called. It was good seeing her again.
Then, I went to the O2 to meet up with another friend Harriet 'cause I had tickets to the Tutankhamen exhibition and she was kinda in my list of people to ask to go with me. As always, twas awesome hanging out with her. We seem to have a pretty crazy time when we hang out. Though I think we discussed more about how we'd feel if our whole life was put on display. Obviously we talked about other things but you know, that was a pretty funny conversation.

Anyway, I'm off to get some sleep. I have to wake up at 8ish so I can get things ready for my train.
I'll be posting stuff about Canada next time.

Hindsight is 20/20

2008-05-25T15:02:00.003+01:00

You know, it's kinda scary how blind we are sometimes. How the things that we feel, the things we think, the ones that stick into our minds, our hearts. They make us so blind. Sometimes it's stuff that can make you feel good and that's not a bad thing. Everybody deserves to feel good. But obviously, I'm not thinking about that. I'm thinking about the things that hurt. You and everybody around you, and you don't realize it until it's either too late or slapped in your face.
It's like that moment in a movie or on a TV show, when the character is going down this path, and you know it's going to end up horribly for them and/or somebody they care about. Catastrophic even. And all you can really do is shout at the screen, or hide behind a pillow, just waiting for that moment and the moment after it, to be over.

Is that the case with everybody? That we blind our senses when it comes to certain parts of our lives. I suppose that it's easier to be blind to certain things 'cause it's already kind of a bitch to be able to feel a lot of things. But to feel everything? It's got to be hell.

Maybe I'm being melodramatic, but I feel like that sometimes. The observer who sees her family/friends going down roads that might end up horribly for them. But I can't stop them because it's their life to lead, not mine to control. I can only tell them what I think, but if they don't take from it then all I can do is just help them deal with the fallout. Because really this would be one of those times when being right doesn't feel so great.
Not that I'm particularly immune either. I'm just saying.

I think somehow we're all just innately stubborn creatures that we don't want to see some things that people point out to us. And then when we're finally ready to see it, it's just a shock and we think "How the hell did I not see this coming?", and that's the thing. We don't. We never see it coming because we can't predict the future, not completely. We can make as many guesses and chances are, one of those guesses would be correct. And that's playing around with random probabilities, and we don't have the luxury of time to get it all right.
Maybe others can see things coming. Maybe they can see how things might end up. But that's the thing, "might". They might know for sure. But for all we know, some time between us telling us what they think, and when that thing is supposed to happen, something else happens to interfere with the chain of events.

Maybe I'm over-thinking it. But it's not like I can stop thinking about it anyway. It's been in my head for so long, I don't know. I guess I'm frustrated that we can be so blind. So stubborn. Why are we so blind when it comes to us? Is it because it's us, we're too close? Maybe that's just how we need to live sometimes. Blind to certain things when we're a part of something. Like relationships that are so obviously bad, and it can't end in nothing but tears, but we don't see it because we're in love.

I think what makes it even more bitter-sweet is that most of these things that happen? They're born out of good intentions. Most of what anybody does, is because they think they're doing something for the greater good. That they're doing themselves or somebody else a favour. And it just sucks when it backfires on them. It's sad.
But there are just a lot of maybes in this world. To me, there is a delicate balance between black and white. And in between it's all just so gray. It's vast. It's blurry and murky. But for whatever reason, I like it there.

There are no happy endings, because nothing really ends

2008-05-24T01:27:00.001+01:00

Why is it cold? Seriously.
Not that I mind so much when it's cold. I just mind that it's cold when it should actually be warm. I'd have a friggin' conversation with Mother Nature if I knew for sure that she wouldn't strike me down with a lightning bolt.

Haven't been blogging here, if you've noticed. I'm blogging elsewhere. I thought I mentioned it but I looked back, and nope, apparently not.
I am currently working on 30 hours of no sleep. I think it's probably the cold that's keeping me up. Either that or the fact that I can't stop thinking about things.

I'm also kinda trying to get my mind to actually understand that I am going to Canada, lol. It's not like I know it, but I don't know it, y'know?
Lord, I sound so obtuse.
I mean, my brain hasn't processed it completely yet. Even though this information has been logged in for a few weeks already. I know that I can be slow on the uptake but this is really taking the cake. Icing and all.

I'll be headed down to London on Monday. I forget that the last Monday in May is always a bank holiday, which means the trains are going to be all ridiculous. For official (re:family) intents and purposes, I am staying in a house with relatives from "home".
... But for unofficial purposes, I am kept captive by one Ashley. She's wily that one. If anybody asked, I was taken kicking and screaming. And I am going to refrain from saying that really smutty comment that just passed through my mind.

Speaking of the she-devil, she's with me for the week. Since I'm flying out on Wednesday and so we won't see each other for a couple of weeks, she decided that she wants to spend my last week here with me. And really, who am I to say no? I'm slow, I'm not stupid.
She's downstairs right now making breakfast.

... I love that girl, y'know.

Sometimes I want to break that rule and just look into that distance, thinking about our future. And sometimes I do. It is so easy to get caught up in it. In the fantasy for being together for the rest of your lives. Forgetting to add in whatever possible fights or bumpy times that might come along 'cause really, who'd want to think that?
But I know it's not right or fair to be thinking of plans when we don't know. And as much as I'd like to take it all on faith, it's not like it's going to guarantee... anything. I have faith in me, her and this relationship. And I know there is more love than I have ever experienced, and that's enough to get me through another day. Whatever comes later, good or bad, I am secure enough to know that we'll be okay. It would be okay.

It's part of the reason why. I'm not walking by myself on that tight-rope. She's walking right by my side. We never let each other forget that. Not for a second. And that's just the kind of thing you treasure always.
It may not last forever, but at least you know it happened.

Nostalgic

2008-05-23T02:17:00.007+01:00

I'm just remembering last year's birthday. It was on a Sunday and I spent it with Ashley. She ditched church and picked me up for breakfast and we just spent the day together. I can't seem to grasp onto the idea that she's been around one birthday and will be there for the next. It feels kinda nice.
I do remember funny parts of the day, getting texts from the Jaini sisters. Baby Mel was asking me for directions to Wembley, and older Mell was asking me about a few things I don't remember and every text she kept sending had "Happy birthday" at the end, lol.
It was a pretty good day.

I knew once we start kissing, I found love

2008-05-23T02:17:00.006+01:00

Where did the time go? Jesus. Just another few more days, and I'll be out of here. Though I need to call the airline tomorrow to confirm a date for when I go back. Mum has this idea that I could go back with my cousins. They're thinking of heading back on the 16th, the day after the Sultan's birthday. Truthfully, I'm thinking "Maybe a little bit more later?", but y'know that's just how it will be for me. Asking if I can delay what is possibly the inevitable. It's a normal reaction for me, wanting to delay what will happen for as long as I can. Funny how I don't like it when things are delayed but when I'm doing it I'm doing my damnest to delay it more. Oh well.
Tis a hypocritical existence we lead, whether we realize it or not.

I haven't packed yet. I don't think my mind has comprehended that I'm really leaving. It'll be the first time I'm headed somewhere that isn't anywhere in the UK or anywhere else in S.E.A since... 2004? I think. But it's not like I'm going to be bringing a lot. Not that I plan to anyway. We'll have our time to shop since my cousins plan to take me to some huge shopping mall... thingy.
I don't like malls. And that's not even because I don't like the one back there. I just don't like them. I wasn't particularly fond of the one in Brighton either. But I suppose there has to be a day set aside for shopping since for most of the time, I think we're going to be all tourist-y.

Ashley's here so we can spend our last week together before I go. Hey, I'm going to be gone for two weeks, plus it's my birthday next week. I'm so not going to reject the idea of spending even more time with my girlfriend.
My birthday itself will be kind of busy. I'm spending the morning in the salon (lol, I just had a Blair Waldorf flashback), then lunch/coffee with Carmen (former college roomie). Literally straight after that, I've got a King Tut exhibition to go to with Harriet. Then the evening is to be spent with the missus. Heh. Okay, it doesn't sound that busy, but they are all kind of crammed together.

Oh, did I forget to mention another really weird dream I had? This one had Addison from Grey's Anatomy in it. And my friend Harriet. And the three of us were doctors or something. And Addison was... Well, Addison was hott. She looked like she did in that recent Grey's episode, and her eyes looked even more blue than I've ever seen it. But Addison seemed a bit weird, I guess. I kept asking her whether she wanted me there, and she was adamant that she did. I don't remember why I was asking her that really. But I mean seriously, why would I want to leave Addison?
I am apparently insane in my dreams.

Anyway, it's late and I have things to do later today that require me to have... some brain functions.

No drama

2008-05-16T17:54:00.001+01:00

I just got done watching a new episode of CSI:NY. There was an issue of infidelity. But it wasn't over-done, you know what I mean? Like, there were no tears, no screaming, no yelling. No big unnecessary drama.
Basically, Danny cheated on Lindsay. With the woman who lives across the hall. Now before you go assuming, it's not as clear-cut as it seems. What Danny and that other woman are having, is comfort sex. Her son was killed, and Danny was the one watching him, but didn't know the kid got shot until afterwards.

I can understand the need for comfort. I totally understand.
But I couldn't understand the lying. What's worse is that Lindsay knew that he was lying. And he was just... It didn't seem like he cared that he was hurting her. After he hung up on the phone, he was telling the other woman that he was going to make her the best omelette she had ever tasted. Like he didn't just hang up on his girlfriend. Like he didn't just lie to her. And they knew, they knew it was all about the comfort for them.

So what is it then?

Is it okay that they did that because they needed to feel the comfort of somebody else who loved the kid? Is it forgivable because there is no real malicious intent in the act of infidelity, at least not from what I saw? But the lie isn't forgivable. That's where it has to hurt, I guess. Trying and wanting to understand, because there are a lot of things that need to be accepted. Things that hurt like nothing else.

We can't explain the things we do when we're grieving. Why we seem to act either completely irrationally, or not act at all, or even just go on like everything actually is normal. But the fact is, we know that it happens when we grieve. It doesn't diminish the pain though. The pain of being the one left behind. The pain of having to be made the monster. Nobody deserves that.

And it hurt to watch/listen. It hurt to listen to Lindsay telling Danny to not make her out to be some clingy girlfriend because she caught him in a lie. I don't know if she knows that he was with the other woman, but she probably had an inkling. It definitely hurt having to hear her tell him that she understood his actions, and that she was sorry she thought he needed somebody to lean on. She apologised, apologised, for the way she was acting.
"I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself, for letting myself fall in love with you and now I have to figure out how to let that go."
You really cannot hear that and not have your heart break. Or want to hurt Danny Hard-Candy-style.
Or both.
... Okay, I'm calm now.

I know, I know. I get too into these shows. It's crazy. But I can't help it, I guess. I can't help but get caught up in it.

Sometimes I wish I could be indifferent. Sometimes I wish I knew how not to care.

My sister told me awhile ago about a LGBT thread in this forum, and she asked kind of a rhetorical question. Something about why do people keep bringing up the same argument about the same thing.
And I figured that it was a rhetorical question, because you know, it's obvious why people do it. Why people keep going in circles about anything. It's an issue I doubt would ever get resolved. At least not while I'm alive, I don't think.