No one ever really wins in heartbreak warfare

I feel sad at the very lack of love that I've been seeing recently. I feel empty and drained so I try to find some semblance of love. I can't find it within me because I have used it up. I have used it up and now I need sources of love to fill me again. I know I am more than capable of love but I can't love if I have no love to give.

I guess it's almost like feeding off the love you receive and then giving it right back. I don't understand really how it works sometimes. That we can receive love, and then we send it right back out. Like love doesn't have much time to accumulate inside of you because it's just flowing continuously. Kind of like a river. Forever flowing.

I think that, at this moment in time, the thing that I am filled with is just hurt. I don't know why but I know it's mine. My own hurt for something that I don't know. For something that for the moment doesn't have a label or a name. Is this the downward spiral that we must endure before we find ourselves coming back up?

Libba Bray blogged that this is the price we pay for caring. The grief that we feel, almost day to day. Yet again, confirming this school of thought that there is always going to be another shoe, waiting to drop.

It sickens me, I guess. That we seem to chomp at the bits when we discover some scandalous gossip, like it's the very thing we live on. It sickens me more when we're the ones producing said scandalous gossip for others to spread out.

I get that there is hate and envy and anger. But I just don't get why people just can't turn the other cheek. Feuds, grudges, wars... Pointless, pointless, pointless. I don't get why we have to know war and hate to know peace and love. I don't get that. There are many people in the world who never hate or war, and they turn out to be the most peaceful people in the world.

But then I guess, peace and love could have been all they knew, so why should they think any different? However, there are those who do know hate, and yet they're still so filled with love, you'd never think that hate was ever part of the equation.

It baffles me though that people meet good and kindness with so much... Suspicion and fear. Especially the ones in small doses. Because the ones that are grandeur and well-known apparently make good and kindness seem okay and more acceptable. And apparently more valid.

I don't want people to know my good deeds. I don't care for people to know my good deeds. I know my good deeds. I know whatever good I've done to whomever I've done good to. I don't believe in the thought that one person deserves more help over others. That's why I always have trouble with charities because I know that they have good intentions but I don't understand why people need to know that I am donating and how much I'm donating. My feeling is that once my name is associated with my good deed, my intentions are gone. And I feel dirty. I know I shouldn't because it doesn't make my good deed seem any less than what it is. I guess I just feel wrong in the spotlight. Getting thanks for something that should be the most natural thing in the world.

I can't pick charities. I've donated to a couple but I'm pretty sure if I had all the money in the world, it wouldn't be enough because I wouldn't know which charity to pick. I mean, do I go for kids, or animals? Do I go for countries or nature? Prevention of diseases or research for the cure? How do you pick a cause to believe in, when you believe in all causes? I can't say that my heart is more committed to rescuing children when it hurts at the mere thought of animals are being abused, or are fading into extinction.

I'm not putting down people who know the causes they believe in, dear love no. At least they know. At least they're doing something. I can't do a thing because I don't know. I'm stuck in nowhere land. I know that if people could help everything, they would.

I guess after all this rambling, all I would wish that people would learn to accept the small doses of good and kindness as easily as they accept charity donations. Big or small, good deeds are good deeds. Just because it's more subtle and less in-your-face doesn't make it any less of what is it: Love. And it'd do you good to just accept it. Really.