We met on a forum for a band that we loved at the time. The forum was just starting and friendships were beginning to form. And amongst the many new friends I was making, I met this girl. She was young, god, so young. But she was this unique mixture of mature and childish wonder that I couldn’t help but be taken by her. At first we kept our conversation in the forum, just having fun and making new inside jokes as we went along. But then we started chatting. And I don’t know but somehow we uncovered this huge discovery-bomb that our like for each other went beyond platonic friendship.
I’d like to believe that I loved her with everything I had. She was my first true love. The first one that made every single part of me, feel something. I had been in relationships before her, yeah, but with her, I constantly felt like I was treading new, unfamiliar waters. With my previous relationships, we went straight to being together, but with her, we were friends first. We built a strong connection first, and we deepened it when we realized how much we felt for each other. So I wasn’t just at risk of my heart breaking by a lover, but a friend too. A best friend.
But my heart did get broken. And it was like a freight train; I didn’t see it coming. We were together just two months shy of a year and a half. We broke up a few days before Valentine’s Day. I remember that because the next thing I knew this guy she had been talking about for awhile (yes, I knew he was trouble from the first moment she mentioned his name but she was adamant that she didn’t want him and I trusted her word) asked her to be his Valentine. She says that he was not the reason we broke up. It was a whole mixture of distance, insecurities and other things coming together to make an explosive combination. They were the same reasons we broke up a few times before. But this time, I knew that she really meant it. It was final. It was one of those moments when my brain took over, rather than my heart. And my brain shielded my heart from hurting too much, making the hurt only come out in small spurts rather than a tidal wave. My own defense mechanism.
It has been four years or so since we broke up, and I have been with others. I was in two serious relationships (Amy and Ashley, respectively) in those four years, and they made me happy. I was actually happy, especially with Ashley. But this is the one that still haunts me. To this day my mind, my heart, my soul; they’re still hurting because of it. Of course with the time passing by, the hurt gets less and less when there are newer things to occupy my focus. Her name and the memories of us, good and bad, go to the back of my mind. But when my concentration comes back to it, when there’s something to remind me of her, if I see or hear anything that would inevitably come back to her, everything aches all over again. I get that feeling in my gut; a feeling like I’m on a roller-coaster going up the track and I’m right there at the top, anticipating the fall, and then experiencing it. Like my stomach is empty but there’s something zig-zagging inside.
I’ve been wondering why I find myself thinking about her a lot in the past couple of weeks. Why I had some masochistic urge to look at the remaining pictures of us that I didn’t want to delete. Something about this time of year has been making me more melancholy than usual. A few days ago, I was cleaning out my hard drive, deleting things I didn’t want to keep anymore and I had a folder called Old Memories. I thought, “Why not, maybe there's something I can delete after all this time.” There were chat logs, poems, messages we exchanged... And they were things I hadn't read in so long. But it wasn't as painful as I thought it'd be. So I kept reading. After a time, I then discovered that come 1st November, is our 6th year anniversary. Not that there is anything to celebrate anymore, but it’s still a date when we realized that we loved each other. And love is always something to celebrate, whether found or lost.
I haven’t spoken to my ex, probably in about two-three years. I’m not going to lie; there have been a lot of moments when I miss her so much that I can barely stand it. But I never try to contact her. I think we did our best to be friends… And I think, for about less than a couple of years, we were doing pretty well on the friends thing. I hate to admit this but, even though we were moving on, with other people and what-not, it still hit me hard whenever she would talk about somebody she was with or liked. It hurt every single time (like maybe a pinch, I guess) but she never knew. Or she never gave an indication that she knew. And I was never going to say anything about it because… She seemed happier. And that was all I ever wanted for her. That is all I will ever want for her.
I go through phases thinking about whether we were a mistake; whether I was a mistake to her. Deep down inside, even though I’ll never think of us as a mistake, there is a part of me that knows how truly wrong I was for her. Sure, we loved each other. Our passion seemed so boundless to me. But it was so crazy, y’know? I remember times when I thought to myself about intense it was. And we let that passion rule us. We really were a couple of crazy kids in love. And it made us idealistic, vulnerable and ultimately, naïve.
But I'm not going to apologise, for loving her, or being with her. I loved her the best I could. I made many mistakes and I know there were a lot of times when I was completely unbearable, but I loved her. I hope she knew that.
I don’t know where she is, or whether she is with anybody. I don’t ask the mutual friends that we know, and I will never ask. I don’t think I have the right to even ask anymore. I only hope with all my heart that she is happy, because of all the people I know, that deserve all the happiness in the world; she deserves it, ten-fold and then some.
I loved you like you loved me
Like something pure and holy
Like something that could never be replaced
And it was wonderful
It was magical
It was everything I waited for
A miracle
And if I should ever fall in love again with someone new
It could never be the way
No, it will never be the way
I loved you
Like something pure and holy
Like something that could never be replaced
And it was wonderful
It was magical
It was everything I waited for
A miracle
And if I should ever fall in love again with someone new
It could never be the way
No, it will never be the way
I loved you
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