It's easier to believe in this sweet madness... Oh this glorious sadness

I think, for the first time in a long time, I'm actually depressed. It feels like one seriously big crash and I try my hardest to make it not seem like it but nothing really seems to be going right at the moment. Everything I see and hear is just bad on top of bad. And it makes me sad because there isn't a sign of it stopping.
People dying, people losing the people they love, people screaming ugly hatred at each other, people ignoring the people getting abused.

I'm just so tired, you guys.

Every day now, I think to myself, "Fuck it. I'm leaving." But I don't. Because I know that that is not how I want to live my life. Running away just because I've reached a new low. Or hiding inside myself just because I'm too damn scared of facing what could be out there. More than anything, I'm tired of that.

I'm tired of being let down by the people I love, even when I don't place any sort of expectations on them. But because of the attachment that I have with them, I still get disappointed. I don't expect better or worse. I don't expect anything. But yet I still feel like I got the wrong end of the stick most of the time.

I'm tired of people being so hateful. Or even the people who pretend to say that they hate people who are hateful. Isn't that just basically the same thing? You tell people to blind their eyes, and deafen their ears, but you still bitch about them? I don't pretend to say anything. Sure, I bitch about people. That unfortunately cannot be helped. But I never go as far as being so hateful.

When I bitch, I bitch about people I know and love. Like my mum, my brothers, my sisters, my friends, my cousins... Hell, I even bitch about my nephews and nieces. Because I know them and I love them. And just because I love them and accept them as they are, doesn't mean they don't throw me completely off my rocker once in a while. Them and me, we are just too different to agree on much.
But these are people I actually know, or interact with on a daily basis. And I'm the kind of person that really doesn't like that much interaction as it is, so I'm bound to go a little insane from too much of it.

The people I don't interact with... Sort of distant relatives, friends of friends, famous people, not so famous people. I get an ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach to even hear anything remotely bad, because I don't know them. And it's not because I can't contribute anything, it's because I don't feel like I'd be the right audience to listen in on that. It's not fair on people who are in the same shoes as me. Because it gives us a foundation, to mull over what kind of person would get other people so riled up that they'd bitch about them. It makes us assume and judge before we really actually know the person because we're only given one piece of the puzzle.

One piece. That's all it takes for anybody to judge.

I don't want to be a buzz-kill because there are those people who enjoy a good bitching. And I don't begrudge them that. I'm not their keeper, they like it, it's their life. But I have a problem when it starts getting ugly and I absolutely need to leave. Or I just shut up and I try to get that ugly feeling away from me.

These are the times that I wish things really could just be black and white. Rather than gray. Rare times.