The old me is dead and gone

There are these moments during the day, when I get this feeling in my chest. A kind of overwhelming feeling. And it takes my breath away. Sort of like how a sucker punch would feel, I guess. I try to embrace the feeling and let it pass by because I know that in a few seconds, I'll breathe like normal again. I don't know why it happens but it does. Sometimes it's an overwhelming hurt. Sometimes it's an overwhelming love. I wish I could say that these feelings are truly mine to bear, but they aren't always.

I think it's what happens when you are trying to open yourself to the world around you, and you find all these things come rushing into you. Like they've been coming from everywhere, just waiting for a vessel to inhabit. And though I did not mean for that to come out as Alien aka Sigourney Weaver, but it does feel like that. All the good and all the bad. Especially the bad.

My friend never fails to mention how I tend to look on the more morbid, darker side of things. And I know I used to do that. In fact, I know I still do that. But not all the time now. I remember reading that ecstasy is born out of pain and suffering. Or something like that. But I guess it is something I can understand, though it makes me want to keep myself separate from people. To keep them from feeling a sadness that I know sometimes overflows from every pore of my body. But at the same time, I still want to be in there. In the throes of something exquisite.
It's a see-saw kind of life. Very yin yang in it's way.

It was Ash Wednesday last week, and if I remember what Ashley told me, it was also the beginning of Lent. A day of repentance that marks the beginning of forty days of prayer and fasting. Though from what my friends have told me that it marks the beginning of giving up something that you really really like. Trying to break a habit that seems so set in stone.

I don't know any thing that I would actually give up, to be honest with you. It's just that there isn't a lot of things to my life. I'd just be cliche and the only thing I would give up are Hershey's Chocolate Almond Kisses, and if you know me well, you'd know that I'm sucker for that chocolate. Every week I buy myself two bags of it, and I finish in one weekend. Seriously. But since the store that usually sells them, don't have them in stock right now, seems a little like cheating that I would give it up since I have no temptation for me to resist.

I'll have to get back to you on that I guess.