"In God's eyes, kindness and loves are what it's all about."

I am really tired at the moment. My fault. I didn't sleep till 2 'cause I was up watching this movie, Prayers for Bobby (I'm still writing the review). And my eyes are just swollen from the lack of sleep, and also the sheer amount of crying I did. For 90 minutes of the movie, I think there was at least 5 - 10 minutes when I didn't cry.

Movies like these always make me think about my own situation. I know that they are actually supposed to make us more brave, encouraged to come out to our own parents. That they're supposed to open the eyes of people who don't understand, or who don't think they can ever understand. Or they just don't want to understand.
And it's the last one that frightens me the most because that's what I feel I will face.

I know my friends, my sister and some cousins have accepted me. And it makes me feel lucky because some people don't even have that. My parents might never accept me fully, but I know I have some family who do. It's not the same, but it'll have to be enough when the time comes.

Why do I have so little faith in my parents' love? Why am I so unfair to them? Why am I not giving them a chance to actually react to the fact that I am gay?
The fact that they don't even accept the smaller irrelevant parts of me.

I have a lot of faith in love. I just find that people can be the least steady of vessels for love. It's nobody's fault. It's just the way it is when our minds can't reconcile with our hearts.

I was watching this show on Hallmark called American Dreams (or Dreamz, I can't really remember). It's set in 1963, and I had just switched on to the show when the episode was almost done. I'll just fast forward to the scene that got to me. Two fathers scolding their teens, a boy, and a girl separately. The scene goes back and forth between the father and the son, and the father and the daughter. The back story is that the boy was walking the girl home, because her date had to leave. She thought she could call her dad to pick her up from the theatre. And this boy worked in the theatre, and they knew each other because his dad worked for her dad. The boy offers to walk her home, and they get into a spot of trouble with the police, until her dad finally arrives to take her home.
The reason they were stopped by the police? The boy was African-American.
The father actually scolded his daughter telling her that she brought trouble to the boy. Because he knew that the boy is a nice boy. It's just that he was a nice, African-American boy. She retaliated asking whether she should have just walked home alone, when it's late at night, by herself. And her father actually said yes.

Can you imagine that? It was better to walk alone, rather than walk with a person that society deems abnormal. Different. Better to be alone than safe.
It's so good that irrational fear wins over common sense. Really. It comforts me. It comforts me that prejudice and ignorance completely takes precedence over what's right. Really. So good.

Fuck.

I can only shake my head at the insane logic that people adopt when their fear wins over. But I can't blame them, can I? For every person who overcomes their fear of what's different, there is another who'll realize their own fear. That's just the way it is.

... That's the way it'll always seem to be, I guess.