Happy New Year

I began this year with love. I was on the phone with Ashley as it was something we promised each other that we would do. As the clock struck twelve in 2008 last year, we promised that wherever we were in the world, whatever we're doing, we'd see 2009 with each other. Granted, we weren't actually together when it turned 2009 here, but she called me a couple of minutes beforehand. Quietly, I told her I loved her as soon I heard the sound of fireworks coming from outside.

I know, it sounds like we're torturing ourselves. But we really aren't. If there's anything that I've learned from my time with Ashley, is that when you're loving somebody, then you're fulfilling the most important purpose that we've been given in this world. There are days when I think to myself about this shitty situation I'm in, then I think of her. I feel that love in me and I know that whatever happens, I'll always have that, and I'll go on. Loving as I do.

I've been back here for almost half a year and there have been a lot of moments when I wish I could just pack up and leave. Moments where I think to myself, "I'm not meant for this place." My mum thinks that I haven't accepted that I'm back, but that's the thing, I have. But just because I'm here, doesn't mean I'm going to change the way I am. She gets annoyed that I don't go out and hang out with friends, or enjoy the time that I'm here. Or use it productively. But it's more that she doesn't accept me. Because this is the way I am. I've never been one to actively go out and hang out with friends. Not that I don't want to. Of course I love hanging out with my friends, but I cherish my solitude. I've hardly ever gotten that since I've been back. I do enjoy the time that I'm here. I'm more than thankful that I am here to see my nephews and nieces and watch them grow up. I'm more than thankful that I'm here to witness my own cousins growing up into their own people. I'm just not meant to be here.

It doesn't make me angry that she doesn't accept it. There are other, bigger, important things about me that she definitely will never accept. It just makes me sad. That these unimportant things blind her love for me.

So I accept that I'm here. I accept that it may be a certain amount of time before I can go back to where I want to be. I accept it all. So I promised myself then that I would do my best to use my time here wisely.

A friend of mine asked the other day whether I had a New Year's resolution. I don't consciously make a New Year's resolution. I only have a wish for the year and that it be filled with a lot of love and laughter. Everything else that I don't need to wish for, I just have to y'know, get it done. And there are a lot of things to get done.

It's a funny word, "resolution".
Definition: "the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose"
Firmness of purpose. It sounds like a forever kind of thing, doesn't it? When most of the time, people tend to forget their resolutions by March at least. It sounds like it should be something more than just "I want to lose weight" or "I want to find a boyfriend/girlfriend". It sounds like it should be something more than just superficial desires. You get down to the root of all those desires and you can call it for what it is.
"I want to be at peace with myself."
"I want to be happy."

I'm not a happy person. I'm the type of person to have small doses of happy moments at certain points in time. But I'm not depressed either. What I am is that I am at peace with myself. I know who I am, and god knows, I've come to like who I am as a person. I may change and evolve, but I'm not about to do that on somebody else's command.

I have no desires. All I want to be is who I am. And love.

That's all.