... I just can't keep doing this to you. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't do this anymore. I can't keep up this charade of being okay in this role of mine. I need to be more. But I'm not allowed to be... Ready to spread my wings but your cage stops me. I've flown once, and I'll never fly again. And with that, I'd rather die than stay in this cage that I know will never will never set me free again. Release me from this hell... And let me die.
... Did I write that?
I was looking through my old blog posts (2005-old), and that little passage was in there. I don't think I wrote it. Just because in the original post, it was in italics, and I usually italicise quotes I find in books or whatever. But I can't seem to find it anywhere.
It's kind of annoying when that happens.
If anybody recognises it, please let me know.
... It's 4AM and I can't sleep. Yet.
Sunday, 30 December 2007
Saturday, 15 December 2007
London, Colbie, C&R, Tate Britain&Anniversary, Heathrow airport and other things.
Current mood: 
awake Current song: Colbie Caillat - Mistletoe
This blog might be hefty. Stout. Chunky. Elephantine. And allll that jazzzzz.
*jazz hands*
Y'know, just a warning.
So I am now back in Stoke. Boo, seriously.
But I'm in a good mood.
Although I'm not in a great mood. Ashley's gone to Florida.
But y'know, I'm completely skipping chapters here. So let's begin from the beginning. Well, not really. We'll begin in the middle of the beginning and the actual middle, as opposed to the actual beginning since you all know how that went in my last blog.
Basically, this is the extended version of the last blog. Y'know, reprise. Or a remix. I can't really tell.
But anyway.
So, London. The main reason of my visit being the Colbie Caillat gig. And since I was so rude in not gracing the last blog with pictures because I had limited resources last time, but not so limited now. Here are a few pictures:-
The support was a guy called Julian Perretta. He was actually pretty good. His voice is some sort of amazing.
Difference in quality... Because I wanted to use my other camera and see what happens. And this did.
I feel somewhat spoiled by my SLR, lol.
Oh! Before I forget, do y'all remember David Sneddon, of previous Fame Acamedy, uh, fame? He was there at the gig and I was the only one who knew it was him at first sight. Everybody else was more "I know him from somewhere".
I'm still trying to decipher whether I am sad for remembering or y'know, not.
The next thing on the agenda is Winter Wonderland, which was the last thing I was blogging about. Well, as my London friendies know, there's a Winter Wonderland thingy at Hyde Park. Like, in a small part of Hyde Park, because hello, Hyde Park is huge. I went with my aunt's daughters, Aufa and Rirah, and their cousin, Cits, (who lives with them). As I've mentioned, they wanted to go ice-skating buuuut, by the time we got there, the ice-skating tickets were all sold out. Which was a bummer, but it wasn't a complete suck-fest. There were looooads of people. Mostly tourists. We looked at a few stalls, and we actually went through the Haunted Mansion, where I was nearly deafened by Aufa... Seriously, she's one heck of a screamer.
Oh! After we were done with Wonderland, me, Rabbit, TweedleDee and TweedleDum (hardeharhar, what? I think the reference is funny!), we were waiting for the bus to get back 'cause we were just tired of walking (we actually walked from the house 'cause we originally thought it wouldn't be so far, but guess what? It fucking was). But anyway, the bus finally arrived, we all got on, but then the bus driver didn't believe that Rirah was under 16 (she's actually 13), and he wanted ID. Though to be fair, she looks more 17 than anything. So she and her sister offered to buy a ticket right there and then, but he said to go and buy from the ticket machine instead. Which they went to do. And he closed the door and drove off, with me and Cits in it, and the two girls, left in our care may I add, left behind.
So you can guess that was all shades of suck.
Cits didn't have their number to contact them, and neither did I. So we had to get off at the very next stop to walk back and meet them. She didn't have her Oyster card either, so she wasted some change on a ticket that was practically useless.
(Don't worry, this ends well)
Aufa did have Cits' number so she called, and we agreed to meet halfway. And also unanimously decided to get a cab. You can imagine that on a Friday night, near to Christmas, outside of Hyde Park, and the other side being the Dorchester and Hilton... The roads were slightly busy. "Slightly" being the very understated operative word. But, we persevered. I think it took about twenty minutes until we managed to flag one down. However, there was another problem. He was three lanes away and heading the other direction. But, he saw us and motioned for us to get to the other side. The other side where the hotels were and where there were probably other fares waiting. But we walked. And the traffic lights were not in our favour. But we saw that the cabbie was still there. And he was still there, when we finally reached the other side.
When we got inside, he said that we were lucky he saw us, and after we thanked him profusely, he said that once he sees a fare, he commits to that. It's refreshing. That someone can be like that. Especially after the little ordeal with the bus driver.
Balance is restored.
(See I told you it ends well)
So let's fast forward a couple of days, to Sunday afternoon. I had a lunch date with my other relatives. They're relatives on my dad's side, and as I've mentioned before in blogs past, these are the relatives I feel are the ones on my wavelength, but it's precisely because of that, we aren't that close. But we're close enough to know that we're family. They've spent almost a decade here, I think. And I'm almost sure that they are PRs here in the UK.
We had lunch at C&R, this Malaysian restaurant at Westbourne Grove. It's good, but it unsettles me because I see so many people from my hall of residence, and I know they know me because of the way they look at me. Like they're surprised I'm even there at all. But believe me when I say, a certain amount of staring is expected 'cause they really like to stare.
Anyway, we also had lunch with our relatives from Singapore. I don't really know what I'm supposed to call him. Whether he's an uncle, or some distant cousin, or some other kind of relative-noun, all that really matters to me is that they're family, y'know? Anyway, he was in London with his family, just for a holiday. I don't normally see him and his family when I visit Singapore though, so it was nice to get to know him and his family outside the usual setting. We were at the restaurant for a loooong time. But as soon as Irma (my cousin) had to go, we stayed for just another hour or so, and then parted ways.
It was great to see them, and a nice change of pace. It was even my first time hanging out with my relatives, all on my own, now that I think about it. I never really thought I could handle that, to be honest with you. I always thought I'd clam up or something. But it was all good. And again, Auntie Huzi promised to introduce me to her "writer friend", who is actually writing a book at the moment.
Speaking of writing. You would not believe how vigilant I've been with the whole writing thing. Pages and pages, I tell you. And funnily enough, not poetry. Funny how that happened, huh? I don't really know what genre it really falls under, but I guess I'll discover that after I write some more. One thing I have discovered is how my writing style has completely evolved.
Feels pretty darn good.
Tate Britain&Anniversary.
As my reader would know, I've mentioned a project called 'imagine art after' that's currently being showed at the Tate. until 6th January 2008. But I mentioned only one exhibit that I showed an interest. Mostly because of how I knew the magnitude in how much I could relate to it. "Self-portrait with Aunt and Rebecca" by Estabrak Al-Ansari.
It was a beautiful day. Tuesday, I think it was. And as you know, the lovely Ashley lives in London, and I'm not stupid, I took advantage of the fact that I was there. (Well, I wasn't the only one taking advantage, but let's not go there). On that very Tuesday, it just happened to be our anniversary... One year and two months (and three days now) that we're together. Which is pretty amazing really, considering my track record, this would have been the time to panic, or something drama-ey happens. But nope. Just, bliss. And you have no idea how happy I am because of that. Because of her.
Ashley was given time off since she was going to Florida on the Wednesday. So, we went together to the Tate. Kind of an anniversary date. We'd have a picnic 'cause it really was a beautiful day, but it was just way cold. We did take the boat to Tate Modern, though we didn't actually go in there, lol.
We walked around the Tate for awhile, looking at other pieces of art before heading to the Lightbox where the Self-portrait videos are shown, along with another video segment by Denis Hyka and Violana Murataj, 'Finding Grandma's Garden'. We went inside, but had to wait for the group that was there to leave. And they weren't there for the reason to watch the videos. The boys were being rude, because of Rebecca (she's topless in the video of her, y'see). We had to wait through Finding Grandma's Garden, since the segments were shown one after the other. That was kind of interesting. But not really the reason we were there, so we just sat and wait. And finally, it came.
Watching the Self-portrait videos together, resonated some feeling of realization for the both of us, I think. We cried watching the video of her Aunt talking to her (though in a way, it's kinda "us" 'cause we're in Estabrak's point-of-view, hence we=Estabrak). We smiled at the interaction with Rebecca, and swelled feeling the love that came off from her every pore towards the person behind the camera. I can see the purpose as to why she has both videos playing simultenously, audio overlapping each other at some points. At least what I think it is anyway. Maybe in a way, she's showing that neither parts of her life are ever going to be really out of her mind. She's always going to have that niggly feeling of knowing that her being gay might not ever really be accepted in her Arab-Muslim family. But at the same time, she'll have Rebecca in her mind, telling her how amazing and wonderful she is. And it keeps going in circles, no matter which way you're looking.
It was great to watch Rebecca, and sometimes it felt like I was listening to me and Ash talking. And listening to Rebecca voice her fears about Estabrak's family not accepting her, or them as they really are. And seeing Ashley cry while hearing that part, it made me hurt.
Me and Ashley were just so quiet after we left the room. Everything we heard in there, we could just completely relate to. Apart from that Arab-Muslim thing, but it's all so similar that it might as well had been my video, y'know?
I don't want to hide her from my family forever. And it's not like I know whether we will be together for the rest of our lives. Or that I'm saying that we will. I'm just saying, she means that much to me that I'm willing to risk losing out on my own family. Just so that they know this other big part of my life. Her.
She means that much to me that it physically hurts I even have to deny her at all. Deny my own heart.
Cruel joke, man. Cruel.
Despite that, it was still worth it to be there to see it.
Which comes down to the last thing on the list, Heathrow Airport.
I didn't get to spend the night with her because... Auntie worries, and I didn't really want her reporting back to mum saying I was out and stayed over at somebody else's place. I know I'm 23, and they know I'm 23, but I'm still a Malay woman, and I'm still bound by certain societal rules, especially when I'm living with people not immediate family. Blargh.
But yeah, I went to Heathrow the next day. And I stayed there until she absolutely had to go. And off she went, *sigh*.
So it is on that sad note, that I ended my London visit. Sort of.
I mean, I had a great time with Auntie's daughters and Cits. We got along so well, we laughed a hell of a lot. But still... Missing Ashley kinda shadows everything by just a smidge.
But I am still in a good mood. Because really, when you strip away everything, I'm alive and I'm loved. Tis all that matters.
Speaking of, I got my Christmas presents from Mr James. And I probably should have waited until Christmas to actually open them, but whatever, I love them! He got me books. Smart boy. Books are always the best way to go with me. And the list of books I want is growing by the second, and list of things really.
And speaking of books, I bought the new book by Kate Mosse called Sepulchre. Finished it within the week. Loooooved it. There was a character reference to Labyrinth, and those who have read Labyrinth will know who I'm talking about. It really was a good read. She really knows how to weave through time. It does help that I love the fact that her protagonists are women.
Oh, before I forget. I'm an Aunt. Again!
Anyway, that's enough for now. If you have managed to still be reading to this very end, congratulations. Let me know, and I'll buy you a drink. Or whatever you want, with a limit of a 100quid.
That's a promise.
And you know I don't break my promises.
awake Current song: Colbie Caillat - MistletoeThis blog might be hefty. Stout. Chunky. Elephantine. And allll that jazzzzz.
*jazz hands*
Y'know, just a warning.
So I am now back in Stoke. Boo, seriously.
But I'm in a good mood.
Although I'm not in a great mood. Ashley's gone to Florida.
But y'know, I'm completely skipping chapters here. So let's begin from the beginning. Well, not really. We'll begin in the middle of the beginning and the actual middle, as opposed to the actual beginning since you all know how that went in my last blog.
Basically, this is the extended version of the last blog. Y'know, reprise. Or a remix. I can't really tell.
But anyway.
So, London. The main reason of my visit being the Colbie Caillat gig. And since I was so rude in not gracing the last blog with pictures because I had limited resources last time, but not so limited now. Here are a few pictures:-
That's Tim, one of the guitarists.
Colbie and Tim
Colbie
Justin, the other guitarist. He's playing the ukelele for one of the songs.
Will, pianist. He was actually pretty awesome.
That's Michael, obviously the drummer.
The support was a guy called Julian Perretta. He was actually pretty good. His voice is some sort of amazing.
I feel somewhat spoiled by my SLR, lol.
Oh! Before I forget, do y'all remember David Sneddon, of previous Fame Acamedy, uh, fame? He was there at the gig and I was the only one who knew it was him at first sight. Everybody else was more "I know him from somewhere".
I'm still trying to decipher whether I am sad for remembering or y'know, not.
The next thing on the agenda is Winter Wonderland, which was the last thing I was blogging about. Well, as my London friendies know, there's a Winter Wonderland thingy at Hyde Park. Like, in a small part of Hyde Park, because hello, Hyde Park is huge. I went with my aunt's daughters, Aufa and Rirah, and their cousin, Cits, (who lives with them). As I've mentioned, they wanted to go ice-skating buuuut, by the time we got there, the ice-skating tickets were all sold out. Which was a bummer, but it wasn't a complete suck-fest. There were looooads of people. Mostly tourists. We looked at a few stalls, and we actually went through the Haunted Mansion, where I was nearly deafened by Aufa... Seriously, she's one heck of a screamer.
Oh! After we were done with Wonderland, me, Rabbit, TweedleDee and TweedleDum (hardeharhar, what? I think the reference is funny!), we were waiting for the bus to get back 'cause we were just tired of walking (we actually walked from the house 'cause we originally thought it wouldn't be so far, but guess what? It fucking was). But anyway, the bus finally arrived, we all got on, but then the bus driver didn't believe that Rirah was under 16 (she's actually 13), and he wanted ID. Though to be fair, she looks more 17 than anything. So she and her sister offered to buy a ticket right there and then, but he said to go and buy from the ticket machine instead. Which they went to do. And he closed the door and drove off, with me and Cits in it, and the two girls, left in our care may I add, left behind.
So you can guess that was all shades of suck.
Cits didn't have their number to contact them, and neither did I. So we had to get off at the very next stop to walk back and meet them. She didn't have her Oyster card either, so she wasted some change on a ticket that was practically useless.
(Don't worry, this ends well)
Aufa did have Cits' number so she called, and we agreed to meet halfway. And also unanimously decided to get a cab. You can imagine that on a Friday night, near to Christmas, outside of Hyde Park, and the other side being the Dorchester and Hilton... The roads were slightly busy. "Slightly" being the very understated operative word. But, we persevered. I think it took about twenty minutes until we managed to flag one down. However, there was another problem. He was three lanes away and heading the other direction. But, he saw us and motioned for us to get to the other side. The other side where the hotels were and where there were probably other fares waiting. But we walked. And the traffic lights were not in our favour. But we saw that the cabbie was still there. And he was still there, when we finally reached the other side.
When we got inside, he said that we were lucky he saw us, and after we thanked him profusely, he said that once he sees a fare, he commits to that. It's refreshing. That someone can be like that. Especially after the little ordeal with the bus driver.
Balance is restored.
(See I told you it ends well)
So let's fast forward a couple of days, to Sunday afternoon. I had a lunch date with my other relatives. They're relatives on my dad's side, and as I've mentioned before in blogs past, these are the relatives I feel are the ones on my wavelength, but it's precisely because of that, we aren't that close. But we're close enough to know that we're family. They've spent almost a decade here, I think. And I'm almost sure that they are PRs here in the UK.
We had lunch at C&R, this Malaysian restaurant at Westbourne Grove. It's good, but it unsettles me because I see so many people from my hall of residence, and I know they know me because of the way they look at me. Like they're surprised I'm even there at all. But believe me when I say, a certain amount of staring is expected 'cause they really like to stare.
Anyway, we also had lunch with our relatives from Singapore. I don't really know what I'm supposed to call him. Whether he's an uncle, or some distant cousin, or some other kind of relative-noun, all that really matters to me is that they're family, y'know? Anyway, he was in London with his family, just for a holiday. I don't normally see him and his family when I visit Singapore though, so it was nice to get to know him and his family outside the usual setting. We were at the restaurant for a loooong time. But as soon as Irma (my cousin) had to go, we stayed for just another hour or so, and then parted ways.
It was great to see them, and a nice change of pace. It was even my first time hanging out with my relatives, all on my own, now that I think about it. I never really thought I could handle that, to be honest with you. I always thought I'd clam up or something. But it was all good. And again, Auntie Huzi promised to introduce me to her "writer friend", who is actually writing a book at the moment.
Speaking of writing. You would not believe how vigilant I've been with the whole writing thing. Pages and pages, I tell you. And funnily enough, not poetry. Funny how that happened, huh? I don't really know what genre it really falls under, but I guess I'll discover that after I write some more. One thing I have discovered is how my writing style has completely evolved.
Feels pretty darn good.
Tate Britain&Anniversary.
As my reader would know, I've mentioned a project called 'imagine art after' that's currently being showed at the Tate. until 6th January 2008. But I mentioned only one exhibit that I showed an interest. Mostly because of how I knew the magnitude in how much I could relate to it. "Self-portrait with Aunt and Rebecca" by Estabrak Al-Ansari.
It was a beautiful day. Tuesday, I think it was. And as you know, the lovely Ashley lives in London, and I'm not stupid, I took advantage of the fact that I was there. (Well, I wasn't the only one taking advantage, but let's not go there). On that very Tuesday, it just happened to be our anniversary... One year and two months (and three days now) that we're together. Which is pretty amazing really, considering my track record, this would have been the time to panic, or something drama-ey happens. But nope. Just, bliss. And you have no idea how happy I am because of that. Because of her.
Ashley was given time off since she was going to Florida on the Wednesday. So, we went together to the Tate. Kind of an anniversary date. We'd have a picnic 'cause it really was a beautiful day, but it was just way cold. We did take the boat to Tate Modern, though we didn't actually go in there, lol.
We walked around the Tate for awhile, looking at other pieces of art before heading to the Lightbox where the Self-portrait videos are shown, along with another video segment by Denis Hyka and Violana Murataj, 'Finding Grandma's Garden'. We went inside, but had to wait for the group that was there to leave. And they weren't there for the reason to watch the videos. The boys were being rude, because of Rebecca (she's topless in the video of her, y'see). We had to wait through Finding Grandma's Garden, since the segments were shown one after the other. That was kind of interesting. But not really the reason we were there, so we just sat and wait. And finally, it came.
Watching the Self-portrait videos together, resonated some feeling of realization for the both of us, I think. We cried watching the video of her Aunt talking to her (though in a way, it's kinda "us" 'cause we're in Estabrak's point-of-view, hence we=Estabrak). We smiled at the interaction with Rebecca, and swelled feeling the love that came off from her every pore towards the person behind the camera. I can see the purpose as to why she has both videos playing simultenously, audio overlapping each other at some points. At least what I think it is anyway. Maybe in a way, she's showing that neither parts of her life are ever going to be really out of her mind. She's always going to have that niggly feeling of knowing that her being gay might not ever really be accepted in her Arab-Muslim family. But at the same time, she'll have Rebecca in her mind, telling her how amazing and wonderful she is. And it keeps going in circles, no matter which way you're looking.
It was great to watch Rebecca, and sometimes it felt like I was listening to me and Ash talking. And listening to Rebecca voice her fears about Estabrak's family not accepting her, or them as they really are. And seeing Ashley cry while hearing that part, it made me hurt.
Me and Ashley were just so quiet after we left the room. Everything we heard in there, we could just completely relate to. Apart from that Arab-Muslim thing, but it's all so similar that it might as well had been my video, y'know?
I don't want to hide her from my family forever. And it's not like I know whether we will be together for the rest of our lives. Or that I'm saying that we will. I'm just saying, she means that much to me that I'm willing to risk losing out on my own family. Just so that they know this other big part of my life. Her.
She means that much to me that it physically hurts I even have to deny her at all. Deny my own heart.
Cruel joke, man. Cruel.
Despite that, it was still worth it to be there to see it.
Which comes down to the last thing on the list, Heathrow Airport.
I didn't get to spend the night with her because... Auntie worries, and I didn't really want her reporting back to mum saying I was out and stayed over at somebody else's place. I know I'm 23, and they know I'm 23, but I'm still a Malay woman, and I'm still bound by certain societal rules, especially when I'm living with people not immediate family. Blargh.
But yeah, I went to Heathrow the next day. And I stayed there until she absolutely had to go. And off she went, *sigh*.
So it is on that sad note, that I ended my London visit. Sort of.
I mean, I had a great time with Auntie's daughters and Cits. We got along so well, we laughed a hell of a lot. But still... Missing Ashley kinda shadows everything by just a smidge.
But I am still in a good mood. Because really, when you strip away everything, I'm alive and I'm loved. Tis all that matters.
Speaking of, I got my Christmas presents from Mr James. And I probably should have waited until Christmas to actually open them, but whatever, I love them! He got me books. Smart boy. Books are always the best way to go with me. And the list of books I want is growing by the second, and list of things really.
And speaking of books, I bought the new book by Kate Mosse called Sepulchre. Finished it within the week. Loooooved it. There was a character reference to Labyrinth, and those who have read Labyrinth will know who I'm talking about. It really was a good read. She really knows how to weave through time. It does help that I love the fact that her protagonists are women.
Oh, before I forget. I'm an Aunt. Again!
Anyway, that's enough for now. If you have managed to still be reading to this very end, congratulations. Let me know, and I'll buy you a drink. Or whatever you want, with a limit of a 100quid.
That's a promise.
And you know I don't break my promises.
It's not Christmas when the snow don't fall
And I'm still standing here three feet small
Lose our troubles because after all
Its Christmas time
And I've been waiting for you to come
And it's hard 'cause I feel so alone
And I just want you to come home
And I'm still standing here three feet small
Lose our troubles because after all
Its Christmas time
And I've been waiting for you to come
And it's hard 'cause I feel so alone
And I just want you to come home
Colbie Caillat - Mistletoe
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